Need some help here. (37)
woody636Elgin, Illinois USA3 Threads 1,267 PostsThose of you that don't know me , my wife passed away last year. Wonderful woman, wonderful marriage, but I'm ready to move on and have started dating. Having a problem with my daughte who is 30+. Talked about it beforehand and she was fine , but when the actual event occurred she sort of went bonkers. Couldn't handle the actuallity of my being with/dating someone other then her mother. We've talked about it, but nothing has changed. I realize it's going to take her time to adjust but feel bad for her. At the same time, I'm not ready to change how I feel either. Any suggestions??
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She's a big girl, you've talked about it, so let her get over it however she needs to. There's no reason you should change, she's the one who's going to have to get through her own grieving process.
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alabamabebe: She's a big girl, you've talked about it, so let her get over it however she needs to. There's no reason you should change, she's the one who's going to have to get through her own grieving process.
Yep, me too what Bev said!
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She's a big girl, you've talked about it, so let her get over it however she needs to. There's no reason you should change, she's the one who's going to have to get through her own grieving process.[/quote
sort of what I've figured. But it's really tough. Her brother/my son died 10 years ago and its only the 2 of us left. Tears me up to see her distraught.
b
sort of what I've figured. But it's really tough. Her brother/my son died 10 years ago and its only the 2 of us left. Tears me up to see her distraught.
b
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woody636: She's a big girl, you've talked about it, so let her get over it however she needs to. There's no reason you should change, she's the one who's going to have to get through her own grieving process.[/quote
sort of what I've figured. But it's really tough. Her brother/my son died 10 years ago and its only the 2 of us left. Tears me up to see her distraught. b
I'm sorry woody, I know it can't be easy. I really can't imagine, just let her know you love her, that's really all we can do. sort of what I've figured. But it's really tough. Her brother/my son died 10 years ago and its only the 2 of us left. Tears me up to see her distraught. b
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alabamabebe: I'm sorry woody, I know it can't be easy. I really can't imagine, just let her know you love her, that's really all we can do.
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
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woody636: sort of what I've figured. But it's really tough. Her brother/my son died 10 years ago and its only the 2 of us left. Tears me up to see her distraught. b
In the end, memories by themselves make for a pretty poor companion. It is wonderful to keep someone's memory alive, but life itself demands that we must carry on and part of that entails finding someone to share the load.
If you were both 30 years older, it might be possible to finish the journey alone together, but you're not and it's simply not fair - to you, your daughter or the woman whose life you might change for the better - to live inside a shell of memories.
I feel for you, my friend, and I wish you all the best!
Luck to both of you!
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woody636:
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Funny thing about a heart -- When it's empty, there's no room in it for anybody or anything. But when it's full, you can fit the whole world in there...
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The_Kansan: In the end, memories by themselves make for a pretty poor companion. It is wonderful to keep someone's memory alive, but life itself demands that we must carry on and part of that entails finding someone to share the load.
If you were both 30 years older, it might be possible to finish the journey alone together, but you're not and it's simply not fair - to you, your daughter or the woman whose life you might change for the better - to live inside a shell of memories.
I feel for you, my friend, and I wish you all the best!
Luck to both of you!
If you were both 30 years older, it might be possible to finish the journey alone together, but you're not and it's simply not fair - to you, your daughter or the woman whose life you might change for the better - to live inside a shell of memories.
I feel for you, my friend, and I wish you all the best!
Luck to both of you!
Thanks bud! Rough road to hoe; live thru a lot worse and we'll make it somehow. Just have to face realities which is tough sometimes. Just wish I could make her understand everything that I feel inside. Tough to do.
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woody636:
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Just a thought Woody but maybe she is having a hard time at the thought of you moving on because she has been unable to move on herself and the thought of you with somebody else would face her with the stark reality......... whilst there is nobody else around in your life she seems to be having a hard time of closing that final door on acceptance - has she had any counselling?
If she has a partner maybe you could point out that she has somebody to share her dark times with and that you also want this most basic of human needs to be met. Maybe (if you havent already) point out to her that meeting somebody else doesnt mean that you love her Mum any less, its simply that you all need to move on.
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woody636: Those of you that don't know me , my wife passed away last year. Wonderful woman, wonderful marriage, but I'm ready to move on and have started dating. Having a problem with my daughte who is 30+. Talked about it beforehand and she was fine , but when the actual event occurred she sort of went bonkers. Couldn't handle the actuallity of my being with/dating someone other then her mother. We've talked about it, but nothing has changed. I realize it's going to take her time to adjust but feel bad for her. At the same time, I'm not ready to change how I feel either. Any suggestions??
Woody, your daugher loves her mother, and i believe what she is doing is trying to preserve the sanctity of what once was.. but she should also understand that her mother, your wife is no longer here, this is something that has to be handled very carefully.. I suggest inviting her over, spend the day together and talk about how you feel to her, and I believe your late wife loved you enough that she would want you to be happy, and wouldn't expect you to be alone the rest of your life, also get her to understand that you loved her mother, your wife, and that no one will ever replace her, and the memories of her will always be a part of you, at the same time Woody, when this new lady comes into your life, remember she is her own person, so don't campare her to your late wife... Be ready to accept that she will be different, and love her for who she is.. I hope that helps..
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trish123:
Just a thought Woody but maybe she is having a hard time at the thought of you moving on because she has been unable to move on herself and the thought of you with somebody else would face her with the stark reality......... whilst there is nobody else around in your life she seems to be having a hard time of closing that final door on acceptance - has she had any counselling?
If she has a partner maybe you could point out that she has somebody to share her dark times with and that you also want this most basic of human needs to be met. Maybe (if you havent already) point out to her that meeting somebody else doesnt mean that you love her Mum any less, its simply that you all need to move on.
Just a thought Woody but maybe she is having a hard time at the thought of you moving on because she has been unable to move on herself and the thought of you with somebody else would face her with the stark reality......... whilst there is nobody else around in your life she seems to be having a hard time of closing that final door on acceptance - has she had any counselling?
If she has a partner maybe you could point out that she has somebody to share her dark times with and that you also want this most basic of human needs to be met. Maybe (if you havent already) point out to her that meeting somebody else doesnt mean that you love her Mum any less, its simply that you all need to move on.
And....she may feel like she's losing you too...if you "move on" ....
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Indyfella: And....she may feel like she's losing you too...if you "move on" ....
Good point Indy.. well said..
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Woody, doesn't she have a boyfriend, husband, her own family by now? If she does, why wouldn't she want to let you do the same? If she doesn't, maybe it's the high time she focused on that rather than living in her memories of the beloved people that have passed and will NOT return? Can you tell her than her brother AND Mom would be the happiest to see you and her happy?
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woody636: Those of you that don't know me , my wife passed away last year. Wonderful woman, wonderful marriage, but I'm ready to move on and have started dating. Having a problem with my daughte who is 30+. Talked about it beforehand and she was fine , but when the actual event occurred she sort of went bonkers. Couldn't handle the actuallity of my being with/dating someone other then her mother. We've talked about it, but nothing has changed. I realize it's going to take her time to adjust but feel bad for her. At the same time, I'm not ready to change how I feel either. Any suggestions??
My 2 cents worth ...
If she was ok about it before the event, it means your daughter's logical mind accepted that you need to move on and have a life of your own.
Sounds to me like her eaction is purely emotional. May be it would help to talk with her about what her fears are rather than whether it's right or wrong in her eyes for you to start dating again. I think that a lot of gut emotional reactions are created by fear of something. If her feelings were validated by you saying that you understand that she is still hurting from the loss of her Mum may be it would help. Also encouraging her to share with you or may be encourage her to write about what her fears are, then share them with you ... It could be something as simple as her projecting forward and imagining you being intimate with someone in what used to be yours and her Mum's private space ...
But she might find sharing this with you difficult. Also may be she is imagining someone walking into your home and starting to change it from what it used to be like and she is not ready to face up to those changes yet because the home how it used to be/is now holds her Mum's memories ... Even though she knows you love her, it's also possible that she is scared that once you have a serious relationship with someone there won't be "much room for her" and you're the only one she has left. Again it's about fear ... I'm just guessing here ... and me be way off the mark ...
Basically what I mean to say is, for you to chat with her NOT about how she's acting/reacting but about what emotions she is feeling and what feers are creatings such reactions ...
I hope you and your daughter will be able to resolve this very emotional dilemma
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Thanks all for the responses. Try to be involved with her life as much as possible. She's not just my daughter; she's a best friend. Evidently I taught her too well to be independent as she will not commit to her boyfriend until she's satisfied that she comes first in his life. I know that a lot of what is happening is because it's new, but it doesn't make it easier. A lot is emotional change but that applies to both of us at this particular time. Still not easy to deal with. So where do you draw the line and say this is best for me or this is best for us?? Really crosses the line on what you want out of life. Have to go with what my heart says is right but how do you know for sure? Guess if I had the answers I'd be a millionaire.
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Daniel4021: Woody, I can only imagine what you are going through because I have never experienced that myself, but I have had friends go through it, and have observed how it was for them... My mother passed away on Feb 5th of 07.. I must admit that if I was to see my Dad with another woman, it would be strange because I have only ever known him to be with my mother, but I would accept the fact that he has a life, and needs of his own.. and that my mother would want him to be happy, because that is the kind of lady that my mother was.. so to honor her memory and out of respect for my dad, I would welcome this new lady in his life..
Daniel, I've never talked to you before, but I've seen some of your posts and comments by other people about your posts. Your everything they said you were, just good people. Wish more had your attitude. Thanks dude!
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hmm i dont have anything wise to say here. ... maybe woody if you find someone whom even your daughter starts liking and gets along with i think gradually she will understand how u feel and may be ready to accept another person in your world.
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woody636: Thanks all for the responses. Try to be involved with her life as much as possible. She's not just my daughter; she's a best friend. Evidently I taught her too well to be independent as she will not commit to her boyfriend until she's satisfied that she comes first in his life. I know that a lot of what is happening is because it's new, but it doesn't make it easier. A lot is emotional change but that applies to both of us at this particular time. Still not easy to deal with. So where do you draw the line and say this is best for me or this is best for us?? Really crosses the line on what you want out of life. Have to go with what my heart says is right but how do you know for sure? Guess if I had the answers I'd be a millionaire.
Well the thing about children is that they are champions at using what I call "emotional blackmail" to make us parents feel guilty (sometimes in small ways sometimes in big ways). Because we love them so much, it's difficult to watch them suffer while they work through their own emotions (whether the emotions are warranted or not and whether they are the result of their own actions or not). If they can pin their emotional turmoil on something we have done or are doing then our feelings are mixed with guilt and it makes it all the more difficult think clearly for us. But more impotantly also for them because all the while they are focusing on what we are doing or not doing they are not working on themselves and their own emotional growth.
To know for sure one has to separate the "guilt factor" from the equation ... then look at what feelings are left within ourselves ...
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woody636:
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Really at a loss here. She knows she's 1st in my life. But I can't stand still. Just not in my nature. I've made it as plain as possible that she's loved and nothing will ever change my feelings but that just doesn't seem to be enough at this point in time. How do you make a 30 year old understand what your going thru? Beats the hell out of me!
Alabame is right.. its her grief and her issue (however understandable) which she is projecting on you... maybe tell her that you have no intention of rushing into things.. and you need company and companianship like everyone else... which u do you are only human... and its even worse when u have been fortunate enough to have a fabulous marraige.. the hole is so much larger...
She will come around... ultimately she loves you... so her concern for your happiness as opposed to her grief (and desire to keep the status quo) will eventually sink in!!
Best of luck..
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