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How to give a cat a pill (9)

Sep 20, 2008 4:09 PM CST How to give a cat a pill
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
Here you are folks

A set of instructions on How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fil l et steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14 Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hadies and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
Sep 20, 2008 4:58 PM CST How to give a cat a pill
no1brightongirl
no1brightongirlno1brightongirlbrighton, East Sussex, England UK15 Threads 286 Posts
oh mike you are a case
Sep 20, 2008 11:17 PM CST How to give a cat a pill
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
no1brightongirl: oh mike you are a case


Hi B1
Glad you think so - wine

In my trade we deal with Nuts & bolts so an allegedly true headline in a news paper many many years ago before you were born about an escapee from a lunatic assylum They were called that then (in factory slang a nut factory) read -

Nut screws washers and bolts grin -

It's my type of humour as it is many stand up comics today. Now here is another.

banana

Dave & Jim

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. - Y' know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this
morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often.'

Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Perth.'
Sep 21, 2008 2:01 AM CST How to give a cat a pill
no1brightongirl
no1brightongirlno1brightongirlbrighton, East Sussex, England UK15 Threads 286 Posts
10 out of 10,think its humour that the young of today,often dont understand
Sep 21, 2008 5:09 AM CST How to give a cat a pill
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
no1brightongirl: 10 out of 10,think its humour that the young of today,often dont understand


Yeah - And ther's more if I get a simple vote to send them here YES or NO to signify will do - I am not into professor social analysis

or socio-political engineering laugh although I know a fair bit about the latter and *they* don't like our humour or us bein able to take the Pi%% back -

If you get my drift grin

so wine wine wine 4 U & cheers cheers cheers for the lads

from the Shitehawk angel devil yay yay yay
Sep 21, 2008 1:18 PM CST How to give a cat a pill
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
no1brightongirl: 10 out of 10,think its humour that the young of today,often dont understand


As YOU are now my honorary First mate here wink and the only one to comment thus far I thought I would send anotherbanana


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f***ing gates

Well I thought it was funny when I had it sent to me from a Meccano mate in Yorkshire laugh
Sep 22, 2008 4:21 AM CST How to give a cat a pill
bluebelle4000
bluebelle4000bluebelle4000Meath, Ireland66 Threads 8,679 Posts
Hi Mike

Not sure if your going to come back online but was just reading through the forums and that cat joke is the funniest i have read in years... the tears flowed down my face with the laughing... thank you... needed that first thing on a monday morning

Bluebelle wave
Sep 22, 2008 6:11 AM CST How to give a cat a pill
Seabiscuit
SeabiscuitSeabiscuitPlymouth, Devon, England UK69 Threads 2,362 Posts
no1brightongirl: 10 out of 10,think its humour that the young of today,often dont understand


We do understand it, honest
Sep 22, 2008 12:03 PM CST How to give a cat a pill
anglophile
anglophileanglophileChattown, Washington USA5 Threads 974 Posts
Hiya Mike,

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

My vote is definitely YES!!!!!!!!!! All of them are great!!!.

Especially the "giving a pill to a cat" joke. As the tears were rolling down my face in laughter since I would occasionally glance down at the scatches on my hand.

Anglophile
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