I just saw this ad on Craigs list!! ( Archived) (393)

Wanted! Somebody to go back in time!

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Date: 2002-06-13, 9:27AM PDT



Wanted! Somebody to go back in time with me!

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons! Extensive computer skills are required.

Saefty is not guaranteed. I have only done this TWICE before.
Last guy who answered did not return home with me.

ONLY SERIOUS RESPONSES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plan to leave in a few weeks.



Any body up for a TRIP

Girls you can not possible be done now!
We want more!
With bated breath we are waiting.

Rules for living in the apartment above me.



Thanks to the "Bonus Gravity" provided by my landlords, whoever moves in above me will weigh approximately nine times their normal weight. To remind me that you got the "Bonus Gravity" deal, please make sure to stomp your huge, ham-filled feet every step you take. If I cannot track your current location to within a centimeter, you aren't doing your job.

When not watching television, you should take it off the TV stand and face it, screen down, at the floor. Make sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible. If I cannot hear what lesson Kimmy Gibbler learned today on "Full House", I will petition for your eviction.

The best time for your idiot friends to come over is between 2:00 and 8:00 am or whenever I'm sleeping. Once you see my lights turn off, make sure your crazy pal Eddie is on his way over with that DVD of "The World's Largest Explosions - Caught on Film!"

All of your phones must have their ringer hooked up to a bass guitar amplifier. This way, when your phone rings for the 10,000th consecutive time without you picking it up, I will realize you must've accidentally tripped over and broke your 1500-pound skull on the coffee table and I should probably alert the proper authorities.

When shutting doors, pretend the Grim Reaper himself is chasing you throughout your house. Slam them as hard as possible to prevent him from sneaking into your place causing the hundreds of filthy plants you own to die.

Taking a shower at 3:00 am is perfectly acceptable. Since my apartment is lined with hundreds of different pipes which carry water to approximately 17 different countries, make sure to urge your friends to take showers at the same time.

Every day at 8:00 pm, you should drop something large and heavy such as:
-A refrigerator
-A wheelbarrow full of lead and concrete
-A month's collection of all the Slim Jims and yahoo you consume
-The entire world

If you don't have access to any of those items, then just trip and fall over. Try to at least be holding some cinder blocks while doing so.

When speaking to a friend who has come over to visit and toss bowling balls around your apartment, make sure to use a megaphone whenever laughing at something he says. This way I'll know your friend is a very funny and witty man (who cannot catch bowling balls).

The "bass" knob on your stereo stands for "Better Acoustic Sounding Songs" and should be cranked up as loud as possible to reflect quality. Try to listen only to rap, techno, and anything which features a kick drum the size of a delivery van. If the song has lyrics, you should turn the bass up so high that it sounds like the the singer is repeatedly chanting, "mwog bbblrrgm gwaf."

Don't ever leave your apartment. Ever. Ypsilanti air is known for its trace amounts of cyanide floating around in it, so it's safer for you to simply hibernate in there for the next nine years.

Much like in exciting video games, hitting surrounding objects with a hammer may reveal magic prizes hidden inside. Smack everything you can find with a hammer or large wooden board. Then smack the wooden board with a hammer because, who knows, it might be a trick.

When the power in the entire block goes out at 10:00 PM and you notice everybody else's lights are off, be sure to shout, "DID THE POWER GO OFF?!?" out your window. There could be a family a few miles away that still has power, in which case you could go over to their house and borrow a cup of electricity so you may operate the jackhammer you've got going in your kitchen.


Sounds like my neighbours.....

My daughter's karate instructor would like some duct tape. That is because he needs to put it over his mouth before he throws another sales pitch at my child about signing up for some new karate related nonsense that will cost me more money. In case you didn't realize it a**hole, my kid doesn't have a job so all of her extra curricular activities are funded by yours truly and if you think for ten seconds you can convince me to give you more than the $150 a month you have already bilked me out of, you are sorely mistaken. The only reason I'm willing to throw the cash at you in the first place is that you are quite hot and I like seeing that part of your chest that the uniform doesn't cover. Perhaps if you'd be willing to teach the class shirtless and in shorts we could talk...but until then, my checkbook is closed.

The old guy I used to date on wednesdays would like a new cell phone, one that does not contain my number. Perhaps you could also find a way to explain to him that in retrospect, I realize that I only went out with him due to some self esteem issues I was having at the time and now the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl. Maybe tell him I said thanks for teaching me that even lots of money can't make an unattractive, mean spirited person any more appealing.

The hot, tall, younger, black soul mate who broke my heart this summer during the cooling-off period with alarm clock guy above would like an STD - either that or some sort of disfiguring disease or injury.

Ok now I'll throw in the basics: world peace and an end to war and poverty would really be swell. Lets face it though, if the good folks in the Bush administration can't fix that stuff you sure as hell can't. So don't worry your chubby little head about that and focus on my list. And get rid of the elves - those dudes freak me out.

Keep those cards and letters coming girl your still on a roll.

Hugz wrote:
Just for you lovaboy.....

RANT: Moths Flying Into My Room



That was a great one, just for him, I miss lovaboy , he was so sweet and cool.

Who is Craig?

It's not a who, It's a free online classifieds, although the man that created it is named Craig.
They have everything including personals and rant/rave section.
The best of craig is all funny or ridiculous stuff that has been taken out of those classifieds.