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Grumbler... (15)

Oct 1, 2008 2:33 PM CST Grumbler...
Elley
ElleyElleyCadiz, Andalusia Spain201 Threads 1 Polls 4,916 Posts
...twelve years ago my first ex did everything she could to cut me out of my kids lives with no cause other than sheer bitchiness. Anyway, as the kids were very young I decided to hold my tongue in order to protect them, but swore to myself that one day when they were all grown up I would explain to them exactly what had happened.

For the record I took her to court a great many times over this and each time the judge persueded her to behave, which she did for a week or so, and then back to square one.....

In private I asked the judge for a court order but he explained that although such a legal process existed judges were reluctant to issue such orders because if she then disobyed then they were dutybound to legally punish her. Punishment, the judge explained, would have to be either a fine (but that takes money away from the children) or a spell in prison (but that takes the mum away from the children). So in effect the law is a toothless tiger.

Anyway, this holiday with my son, now 22, seemed the ideal first proper opportunity to enlighten him, in a non vindictive manner I might add. The response ? " Dad, why are you grumbling about what happened twelve years ago ?" Really I just wanted hiom to know that I did not abandon him,but that I was deliberately cut out of his life through no fault of my own

So here I am a second time with my son of six. Again I,m holding my tongue to protect him. Of course, the law here in Spain is a lot fairer to men in some ways at least and will act against women who deny access without cause. However, he is curious to know why mummy and daddy are divorced. Of course, I can,t tell him that it,s basically cause mummy has another man. Guess I,ll just haver to wait and be called a grumbler by him in another fourteen years.

mumbling mumbling mumbling mumbling mumbling
Oct 1, 2008 2:45 PM CST Grumbler...
tinaferrara
tinaferraratinaferraraedinburgh, Lothian, Scotland UK17 Threads 278 Posts
im sure when the oldest son, is about 30,he will well and truly understand you,at 22 you are usually only interested in you
Oct 1, 2008 3:01 PM CST Grumbler...
Elley
ElleyElleyCadiz, Andalusia Spain201 Threads 1 Polls 4,916 Posts
True.

I think actually he,s a little embarrassed that a mothe he loves had been so nasty and is suffering a little from divided loyalties. Like you say, time will tell.thumbs up
Oct 1, 2008 4:18 PM CST Grumbler...
Elley: True.

I think actually he,s a little embarrassed that a mothe he loves had been so nasty and is suffering a little from divided loyalties. Like you say, time will tell.
Good to "see" you again Fellow.thumbs up wave
Oct 1, 2008 5:09 PM CST Grumbler...
mike69spain
mike69spainmike69spainAlmuñécar, Andalusia Spain41 Threads 6 Polls 5,508 Posts
Elley: True.

I think actually he,s a little embarrassed that a mothe he loves had been so nasty and is suffering a little from divided loyalties. Like you say, time will tell.


There seems to come a point in life where things make their own explanations. He will arrive there too.

But, he seems already past it by commenting on the subject as grumbling laugh

If he felt the need to protect his image of his mom he would reacted differently, I am sure.

By showing your love today he will fill in the gap in the story himself. wine
Oct 1, 2008 6:29 PM CST Grumbler...
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
I do not think you should tell them...

Why burden them with the tale? Let them be and if they feel they need to ask, then answer the questions...

If you let it all out, you are reliving the pain that you suffered, people think that children suffer much more than they do in these instances, when in reality they are not aware...

You need to move forward now, Elley, there is nothing you can do about the past, it hurts, of course it does, but do not prolong the agony by reliving it with the children...

You have them back in your life now, your son travelled to be with you, is that not enough?

Look to the future, shake it all off, dust it out of your mind and concentrate on what you have with them now, you have gained more from that than you lost...

My children are older now, I do not feel it necessary to tell them 'my side' they were children at the time, we look forward we have fun, we laugh and we remember the good times when we all lived together...

Don't come across as bitter to them, however you explain it, it will come across as that, they do not need to be reminded, they will make their choices as they grow into young adults....

Good to see you and I hope you had a super time with your son.
Oct 1, 2008 6:48 PM CST Grumbler...
rusty_knight
rusty_knightrusty_knightGozo, Malta254 Threads 4 Polls 10,684 Posts
Elley: ...twelve years ago my first ex did everything she could to cut me out of my kids lives with no cause other than sheer bitchiness. Anyway, as the kids were very young I decided to hold my tongue in order to protect them, but swore to myself that one day when they were all grown up I would explain to them exactly what had happened.

For the record I took her to court a great many times over this and each time the judge persueded her to behave, which she did for a week or so, and then back to square one.....

In private I asked the judge for a court order but he explained that although such a legal process existed judges were reluctant to issue such orders because if she then disobyed then they were dutybound to legally punish her. Punishment, the judge explained, would have to be either a fine (but that takes money away from the children) or a spell in prison (but that takes the mum away from the children). So in effect the law is a toothless tiger.

Anyway, this holiday with my son, now 22, seemed the ideal first proper opportunity to enlighten him, in a non vindictive manner I might add. The response ? " Dad, why are you grumbling about what happened twelve years ago ?" Really I just wanted hiom to know that I did not abandon him,but that I was deliberately cut out of his life through no fault of my own

So here I am a second time with my son of six. Again I,m holding my tongue to protect him. Of course, the law here in Spain is a lot fairer to men in some ways at least and will act against women who deny access without cause. However, he is curious to know why mummy and daddy are divorced. Of course, I can,t tell him that it,s basically cause mummy has another man. Guess I,ll just haver to wait and be called a grumbler by him in another fourteen years.


Dear Elley,

Life can indeed be a b*tch - but sometimes one has to look at it this way (I think)........

You, like myself, would like the truth to be known - my own son from my second marriage does not know the truth and it hurts me to think he probably thinks I abandoned him before he was even born.

How have I come to terms with it?

I think it's a little like when you do a good turn you shouldn't tell the world............. the inverse can also be true!!!!!!! The one thing is that YOU know the truth (and, if there is a God He/She/It also knows the truth) - it hurts YOU that somebody may think falsely about you but the truth cannot be changed and one day the truth will come out without you having to force it (fingers crossed).

Yes - both you and I are old grumblers........ that's the truth too! crying

It seems for me, though, that some miracle has happened and my eldest son is on speaking terms with me - he even rang me tonight on my way home from the airport to enquire if I was ok and had enjoyed my cruise.......... first time he's rung me in about six years!

Life can be so weird - when you have given up almost all hope of having a decent 'normal' relationship with the fruit of your loins they suddenly unexpectedly turn up 'trumps'.

As long as your kids know that you love them and that you are there for them if they ever decide they want to get to know you better; there is always hope - even hardened criminals are often loved by their children so we should not fear them judging us........ as children become adults they eventually do realise that love is unconditional - and it can work both ways (whether we are indeed grumbly old farts or not!)

thumbs up grin
Oct 2, 2008 8:38 AM CST Grumbler...
Elley
ElleyElleyCadiz, Andalusia Spain201 Threads 1 Polls 4,916 Posts
Thankyou all for your positive and helpful comments. Yeah we did have a great time, tho I discovered that I aint 22 no more. Last weekend we went out at ten Friday night and didn,t get back til seven next morning. Slept all day then did the same that evening/morning.Left me wrecked. Twas a bit wierd cause tho I was out with my son, twas also like a couple of mates out on the town havin a laff, a couple of beers and enjoying the lovely sight of available female fleshbanana banana
Oct 2, 2008 9:03 AM CST Grumbler...
smoky
smokysmokyUnterland, Zurich Switzerland300 Threads 6 Polls 13,267 Posts
Sommerauer71: I do not think you should tell them...

Why burden them with the tale? Let them be and if they feel they need to ask, then answer the questions...

If you let it all out, you are reliving the pain that you suffered, people think that children suffer much more than they do in these instances, when in reality they are not aware...

You need to move forward now, Elley, there is nothing you can do about the past, it hurts, of course it does, but do not prolong the agony by reliving it with the children...

You have them back in your life now, your son travelled to be with you, is that not enough?

Look to the future, shake it all off, dust it out of your mind and concentrate on what you have with them now, you have gained more from that than you lost...

My children are older now, I do not feel it necessary to tell them 'my side' they were children at the time, we look forward we have fun, we laugh and we remember the good times when we all lived together...

Don't come across as bitter to them, however you explain it, it will come across as that, they do not need to be reminded, they will make their choices as they grow into young adults....

Good to see you and I hope you had a super time with your son.


Wholly wholly do I agree with Sommer here! Yes, your kids are NOT interested in the details of what happened between parents. They love you both.

I had the experience of growing up with my Dad, and visiting my Mom now and again. Mom would attempt to tell me everything that Dad did wrong in their marriage - and I was NOT interested - I loved them both..... All she managed to do was to make me embarassed and not look forward to being with her for fear she would bring up their past to me. I wanted them both to be happy, and to move forward, and to be aware of ME.

So, you have to forget about the past. Just be your own good self.... like a "new" person.cheers
Oct 3, 2008 3:18 PM CST Grumbler...
phoenix
phoenixphoenixparis, Ile-de-France France103 Threads 4 Polls 5,247 Posts
Elley for what it's worth I don't think you are a grumbler...
Oct 5, 2008 2:34 PM CST Grumbler...
Elley
ElleyElleyCadiz, Andalusia Spain201 Threads 1 Polls 4,916 Posts
phoenix: Elley for what it's worth I don't think you are a grumbler...


Ah methinks I do detect a fellow sufferer. Thankyou Phoenix.wine
Oct 7, 2008 4:32 PM CST Grumbler...
phoenix
phoenixphoenixparis, Ile-de-France France103 Threads 4 Polls 5,247 Posts
Elley you aint a 'grumbler'...maybe lots off things but a grumbler no..
Someone who speaks from their heart yes.. but not a gumbler..

phoenix
Oct 8, 2008 3:28 AM CST Grumbler...
rusty_knight
rusty_knightrusty_knightGozo, Malta254 Threads 4 Polls 10,684 Posts
phoenix: Elley you aint a 'grumbler'...maybe lots off things but a grumbler no..
Someone who speaks from their heart yes.. but not a gumbler..

phoenix


Are gumblers grumblers with dentures? sigh dunno
Oct 8, 2008 9:35 AM CST Grumbler...
phoenix
phoenixphoenixparis, Ile-de-France France103 Threads 4 Polls 5,247 Posts
rusty_knight: Are gumblers grumblers with dentures?


No..that would make them suckers...laugh
Oct 8, 2008 9:37 AM CST Grumbler...
rusty_knight
rusty_knightrusty_knightGozo, Malta254 Threads 4 Polls 10,684 Posts
phoenix: No..that would make them suckers...


I want to meet a nice gumbly woman then! blushing
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by Elley (201 Threads)
Created: Oct 2008
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