How to read between the lines part 2 (30)

Sommerauer71: We should leave them blank....

Sommerauer71: Morning Cath...

I have had the most amazing message off a person that I cannot simplybring myself to discuss it...

Lagoona22: Spill the beans babe...make my day...

Sommerauer71: I cannot stop looking at it, it is that ridiculous.

I was prowling as I do sometimes, not often, but I do like to read profiles, and Friday I came across this guy who wanted and I quote: 'A tender, loving sex slave'

So I and thought, I would to him.

I sent a simple message, in my warm, kind way: 'Tender loving sex slave hum?

And his response well, apparently, he has looked at my profile, I am a child, I need to be shown what love is (which he has got a point) that I am begging for love and i need to read a hundred books, and that I am proud of things that I should be ashamed of.

Amongst other things that he would have to love me for a long time, for me to understand him, and that he is very clever and do I know what theological faith is?
Anyway I have written back to him, in a nice way, being kind, gentle and warm. I am fascinated by his response and need him to explain further.

Truly, I am astonished.

phoenix: WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

ATTRACTIVE Plain. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive.' In the real world it means 'pleasant to look at' - in the internet-speak it means: two eyes, two ears and a mouth.

FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE Gutchurningly hideous. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry. Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Calvin Klein model next to this guy. Meeting under the cover of darkness is advised.

TOLD ATTRACTIVE By my mother, the only woman I've every loved or am ever likely to.

RUGBY PLAYER'S BUILD One who retired 10 years ago. Stop thinking: Jonny Wilkinson. Start thinking: Johnny Vegas.DISCRETION EXPECTED I'm married and don't want my wife to know.

DISCRETION OFFERED I don't care if you're married too.

HOPE YOU LIKE MY PICTURE Taken 10 years ago and bears no resemblance on now.

MODERN MAN We'll be splitting the bill 50/50. I go on three of these internet dates a week. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner.

NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.

WILLING TO TRAVEL Lives in a filthy flea-ridden hovel that he can't possibly let you see.

ADVENTUROUS Pervert. He can turn anything into a double entendre. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails and talk dirty with you over the garlic bread.

NORMAL KIND OF GUY Normal in a Norman Bates kind of way. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point.

GSOH (GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR) No sense of humour. The golden rule of internet dating is that anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one.

EARNS A SIX-FIGURE SALARY Yes, he does. But he includes pence in that figure.

NEVER DONE THIS Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first.

FUN AND ZANY Mental age of a 12-year-old. Your date will be a riot of whoopee cushions, itching powder and fake-dogpoo-filled fun.

LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.

5ft 10 5ft 7. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft 10.

SPORTY I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team.

UNIQUE Sex change. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.

NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am.

OLD FASHIONED Male chauvinist pig. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts.

TRADITIONAL Patronising. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day.

MANLY Hairy. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture.

DISTINGUISHED Old. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet. The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema.

INDEPENDENT Lying, cheating commitment-phobic scum.

UNCONVENTIONAL Insane. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.

ASPIRATIONAL Broke. He has lofty ideas, but not a penny to his name. Expect early-bird specials on your date.

ROMANTIC Oily creep. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.

rusty_knight: A friend is coming over from Malta to Gozo to see me this afternoon.

She's a friend - I don't give a monkey's if people perceive her as being attractive or not...... a friend is a friend and I'm honoured somebody is bothering to come over and see me!thumbsup:

(actually she is a very attractive woman, but I'm taken so there!)

Sommerauer71: You are my subject today...

Why do you feel the need to state that she is attractive?

Why do you feel the need to state that you are taken, we know you are...

Like people who say they are honest, faithful, decent, lovely...

A flower never tells you it is beautiful, it just is...

Sorry, I am on a mission today...