I do not believe there is just *one* person out there for everyone, that when you meet and there are a lot of intense feelings, it's "Oh they're the one!!!" ... and if the relationship doesn't work out, then it's "Oh, they must not have been the one..." *Runs out and starts looking for the "real" One* again.
Way, WAY too simplistic, in my book.
Out of the entire population of the planet of 6 billion people, there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of people in the world with whom each of us could be happy, depending on each person's expectations, beliefs and issues, and how we handle them.
People may be wonderful and have similar interests, but be poor communicators, or communicate in a way that works for some people but not for us; have different values, different ways of listening, different ways of looking at the world, etc.
There are various styles of communication, no one of which works for everyone. For example, my ex (still) uses a lot of negative contractions, which motivate him but turn my kids' lights off. "If you don't finish your homework you won't be able to watch TV"... as opposed to "When you finish your homework you may watch TV." "Don't you want to..." as opposed to "Would you like to..."
His sounds aggressive, presumptuous and punitive to me, but that language is what motivates him; he literally *doesn't hear* negatives! To him, that would sound like, oh, I'd better do my homework so I can watch TV. "Wouldn't you like to" sounds like "Oh, I should want to, ok!" My communication style sounds like Martian to him, and leaves him feeling attacked and questioned, which totally astonished me, because in MY world, it's the most loving way I can imagine to say things.
Then you have love strategy: I am high auditory and kinesthetic, so if you want me to feel loved, say something wonderful to me while you firmly touch my hand or my arm, for example (it's like pushing "enter" on the keyboard... the info is out there, but won't register/get saved until that key is pushed.)
Doing things for me is fine, but I don't make decisions on love based on that; I can appreciate it, but speaking to my kids and me in a loving tone of voice, using loving words, and holding me and kissing me alot, is what really does it for me. I've even told my kids that they'll get a LOT more of what they want if they hug and kiss me a lot, but they're just not kinesthetic, the younger one NEVER initiates hugs or kisses with me.
My older one is "visual" which means she feels loved if you do things for her, like buy her things, or cook (which makes her high "gustatory" as well.) My soon-2-b-x is high visual and auditory. He didn't understand that doing things for me doesn't make me feel loved, and he thought that should be enough, and always said "no matter what I do, it's never enough!"
That's because he *wasn't paying attention.* If he had been, he would have clearly heard me say that I needed him to *talk to us differently*, and that would do it for me.
Differences in values... My highest value is to have a peaceful, loving household (and to get there by talking things through.) My ex's highest value was our safety. So sometimes the way he handled my daughter asking for social privileges was very hard and extreme, to us, because he would instantly say "NO!" without asking any questions or trying to work out a safe plan.
First off...there is no such term as a 'soulmate'; that is just PC garbage because you can be a 'soulmate' to your cat, your dog, your car, your tree in the backyard. This isnt Hollywood, honey, get a firmer grip on reality!
Wow..you've really put alot of thought into this...after my divorce, I read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus...great book. Helps you understand the male/female relationship from a general/generic point of view..
I have a "date" tonight...english is his second language...wonder if all of the above still holds true??
highplainsHighland Springs, Virginia USA4,288 posts
So, are you doing a study of the people on Singles websites? Or are you just making an attempt to impress us with your "Psycho Babble". God knows that there is a term and illness named for everything that troubles humankind. Congratulations on your degree(s) and your attempts to validate the "human condition". Are you a practicing PhD in your fields of claimed expertise?
Why is everyone getting so huffy?? Or am I just reading something into the comments here...Meilandra is just "verbalizing" some observations...I think it's interesting...makes you think..which is never a bad thing. Did I miss something?
I beleive others here have stated the same thing regarding no ONE soulmate... and also, theories of folks here that best freinds and others as soulmates. not just love intrests...
is that where you got the info?
I recall saying more than once, and have no degre other than life.
and John...it isn't pc created, LOL! soulmate thoughts were around before that.
SirenLydiaBury St Edmunds, Suffolk, England UK4,138 posts
I agree with you. Meli is great, but I don't agree with everything she says. But I would not tell her to get a grip! I think we can find soulmates if lucky enough. We all believe different things, which is no harm so long as your not trying to force opinions on others.
I agree that the are alot of potential people that we can be compatible with out in the world and that there just isn't "one" person.
A book I like is by Gary Chapman called the Five Love Languages which helps to explain the various styles of communication.
eg. someone taking the garbage out, doing the dishes to them that may be their way of showing love, but to me it is no big deal and should be done anyways, while I really need to hear "honey, I love you".
I reccommend picking up a copy at your library because too often in a relationship we feel like the person doesn't love us anymore.... so what changed? The love is probably still there but maybe we are not communicating love so that the other person can hear love.
Report threads that break rules, are offensive, or contain fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. click to report forum abuse »
If one of the comments is offensive, please report the comment instead (there is a link in each comment to report it).
Way, WAY too simplistic, in my book.
Out of the entire population of the planet of 6 billion people, there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of people in the world with whom each of us could be happy, depending on each person's expectations, beliefs and issues, and how we handle them.
People may be wonderful and have similar interests, but be poor communicators, or communicate in a way that works for some people but not for us; have different values, different ways of listening, different ways of looking at the world, etc.
There are various styles of communication, no one of which works for everyone. For example, my ex (still) uses a lot of negative contractions, which motivate him but turn my kids' lights off. "If you don't finish your homework you won't be able to watch TV"... as opposed to "When you finish your homework you may watch TV." "Don't you want to..." as opposed to "Would you like to..."
His sounds aggressive, presumptuous and punitive to me, but that language is what motivates him; he literally *doesn't hear* negatives! To him, that would sound like, oh, I'd better do my homework so I can watch TV. "Wouldn't you like to" sounds like "Oh, I should want to, ok!" My communication style sounds like Martian to him, and leaves him feeling attacked and questioned, which totally astonished me, because in MY world, it's the most loving way I can imagine to say things.
Then you have love strategy: I am high auditory and kinesthetic, so if you want me to feel loved, say something wonderful to me while you firmly touch my hand or my arm, for example (it's like pushing "enter" on the keyboard... the info is out there, but won't register/get saved until that key is pushed.)
Doing things for me is fine, but I don't make decisions on love based on that; I can appreciate it, but speaking to my kids and me in a loving tone of voice, using loving words, and holding me and kissing me alot, is what really does it for me. I've even told my kids that they'll get a LOT more of what they want if they hug and kiss me a lot, but they're just not kinesthetic, the younger one NEVER initiates hugs or kisses with me.
My older one is "visual" which means she feels loved if you do things for her, like buy her things, or cook (which makes her high "gustatory" as well.) My soon-2-b-x is high visual and auditory. He didn't understand that doing things for me doesn't make me feel loved, and he thought that should be enough, and always said "no matter what I do, it's never enough!"
That's because he *wasn't paying attention.* If he had been, he would have clearly heard me say that I needed him to *talk to us differently*, and that would do it for me.
Differences in values... My highest value is to have a peaceful, loving household (and to get there by talking things through.) My ex's highest value was our safety. So sometimes the way he handled my daughter asking for social privileges was very hard and extreme, to us, because he would instantly say "NO!" without asking any questions or trying to work out a safe plan.