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Betrayal and Blame ( Archived) (100)

Nov 3, 2008 8:11 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
Have you ever faced this, with friends, colleagues, school mates, loved ones?

I have felt this.

You share a secret, or sentiment with someone, someone who encourages it and continuously says you are doing nothing wrong. Someone else finds out, you get the fall, alone. Suddenly it's a bad thing you have been doing. Ever heard of three sides of a story? Well that's the case.

Accusations, innuendos through friends, collegues or family, any attempt to make you out to be a villain. Remember this, whatever you did, you did in confidence, and didn't mean to hurt anyone. Kinda like your slip showing.

I have been feeling this for a while now, and the person who accused me of this, has said nothing, NOTHING at all, while i keep getting blame for God knows what. The person who betrayed me, has the audacity to 'explain' things to his friends, remember, suddenly they can't say a word to me and i get the blame. I feel like i just cheated with a married man, yet i haven't. Explaining yourself doesn't help, because the person who has been 'hurt' says it's over, tells you to let it go, but clearly they haven't.

Here's the funny thing, before the accusations, you get so uneasy, you decide to stop communication.

Now, everyone else gets comforted and you get nothing but blame. Tell me, should i who was told i did nothing wrong (which i didn't) be the one to blame for this hurt?

My question is, how would YOU resolve this?

I want honest answers, because i have tried to work it out myself but can't, why, because i need answers i am not getting.


No forum kamikaze her, just ideas to solve this. I have never in my year here, felt such confusion, yet i have dated a man, not a man i exchanged an email with, but a man i deeply cared for, respected and spent my time with. Now this, because of a man i never even thought i would ever meet.


1. I'm confused, if i wasn't doing something wrong ( which i think is true), then should i feel my confidence was betrayed? Help me out here.
2, If i was doing something wrong all the while, why didn't this person who seemed to respect me, not let me know or try to correct me themselves? Why did i have to hear from a third party that i did something wrong? Why did this person never even try to stop communication with me (the wrong doer) before i did?

Opinions?
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Nov 3, 2008 8:16 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
If anyone of you calls me their friend, they will give me an honest opinion how to deal with this.


I can't find closure, because it's like i've been hit with a bomb, then immediately slapped with the 'things are back to normal' slap across my face.


What the hell? dunno
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Nov 3, 2008 8:20 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
samora77
samora77samora77Staten Island, New York USA46 Threads 724 Posts
peace Alway's three sides Your's Their's and the truth. Oh and you never get others involve. It's you and you made the choice.
Sorry JMOuh oh
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Nov 3, 2008 8:22 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
samora77: Alway's three sides Your's Their's and the truth. Oh and you never get others involve. It's you and you made the choice.
Sorry JMO



Clearly i'm paying for it.


Thank you.

wine
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Nov 3, 2008 8:25 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
Fallingman
FallingmanFallingmanDublin, Ireland45 Threads 17 Polls 18,473 Posts
Luscious....I don't quite understand the detail. Are you confused personally because you are unsure of your own feelings or are you being hurt by being judged by others. You are a strong person so I am surprised by the tone of your thread

hug
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Nov 3, 2008 8:25 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
ive been in i think similar situations

dont look for resolution

and thats like my hardest thing

im way older than you and it still plagues me

the desire for clarity, neatness

i have issues being accused of stuff i havent done
goes back to my mother who was crazy and abusive

it is very frustrating to be mischaracterized but it is possible to have peace even tho there is propoganda out there about you



dont ask me howcomfort

but it does bother less, i mean i recover from it and leave it alone faster than i used to-maybe cuz i frickin exhausted myself the other way

trying to convince people that have already made a decision is fruitless-

im so sorry and i totally understand

sorry i couldnt be more help but jes sayin-you aint alone
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Nov 3, 2008 8:26 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
Fallingman: Luscious....I don't quite understand the detail. Are you confused personally because you are unsure of your own feelings or are you being hurt by being judged by others. You are a strong person so I am surprised by the tone of your thread



maybe you dont get it cuz youre up way too late


rolling on the floor laughing
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Nov 3, 2008 8:27 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
Fallingman
FallingmanFallingmanDublin, Ireland45 Threads 17 Polls 18,473 Posts
mindfful: maybe you dont get it cuz youre up way too late


I don't get it coz I'm stupid
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Nov 3, 2008 8:31 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
Sparky55
Sparky55Sparky55Somewhere, Afghanistan68 Threads 1 Polls 4,749 Posts
Sometimes people have difficulty telling others bad news. Perhaps they felt that you were wrong in whatever it is you were doing but were afraid to correct you because they thought this would compromise your friendship. Ironically, it seems to have had that result by making no corrective comment.

It's strange how we can say we have close friendships and relationships but we often do just the opposite of what we should do. Lousy answer but that's the way I have seen similar things go down in the past. I try to be brutally honest with friends and it has cost me in the past but at least I wasn't smiling to their face and talking about them behind their backs.

If you want to solve it, talk to her and maybe you can salvage the friendship or at least get an explaination as to why. If you don't want to solve it, cut it off.
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Nov 3, 2008 8:33 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
Fallingman: Luscious....I don't quite understand the detail. Are you confused personally because you are unsure of your own feelings or are you being hurt by being judged by others. You are a strong person so I am surprised by the tone of your thread


I know my feelings and i am probably one of the most direct people here. My problem probably is how i could be blamed, and this person i did 'nothing wrong' with gets the pat on the back, the comfort, the credit and anything else that can be given, while i get portrayed to be the monster. I never had a knife to this person's throat and only talked to them. The person has been arrogant enough to act indifferent. I'm kinda glad this is happening online, because imagine how it would be if i was say meeting with a 'taken' man. This is why it bothers me i guess, i can't imagine how crazy it would have been if i felt that kind of betrayal, and over what, nothing.



Everyone knows that i am not a saint, but if i am wrong, shouldn't we both be wrong? I don't want to be a victim and only need a way to deal with this.

How am i the monster in this scenario?

Thank you, FM.

wave hug
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Nov 3, 2008 8:36 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
jbibiza
jbibizajbibizaIbiza, Balearic Islands Spain133 Threads 6 Polls 7,679 Posts
I don´t know what was said by who to who and I don´t want to... I stay out of the behind the scenes stuff.

I will address one question that you ask.... The fact that you say something in confidence... does it change that fact that you said it? To me saying something negative about a person "in confidence" is worse then saying to their face. It´s called backstabing and I think is worse then betraying a confidence.

If you had a friend and someone came to you and told you something hurtful about them where would your loyalty lay... with the friend being slagged off or the one doing the slagging?

Again I don´t know anything about the situation except what I´ve seen on the threads and don´t know what was said behind the scenes, so my comment is a general one.
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Nov 3, 2008 8:38 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
Fallingman: I don't get it coz I'm stupid


*raises eyebrow*

you want me to say thats preposterous











dont you


























rolling on the floor laughing
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Nov 3, 2008 8:39 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
mindfful: ive been in i think similar situations

dont look for resolution

and thats like my hardest thing

im way older than you and it still plagues me

the desire for clarity, neatness

i have issues being accused of stuff i havent done
goes back to my mother who was crazy and abusive

it is very frustrating to be mischaracterized but it is possible to have peace even tho there is propoganda out there about you
dont ask me how

but it does bother less, i mean i recover from it and leave it alone faster than i used to-maybe cuz i frickin exhausted myself the other way

trying to convince people that have already made a decision is fruitless-

im so sorry and i totally understand

sorry i couldnt be more help but jes sayin-you aint alone


Thanks MF, you have had more experience with this in life than i have, so i do understand what you're saying. Maybe somethings have no answers.

hug
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Nov 3, 2008 8:40 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
Sparky55: Sometimes people have difficulty telling others bad news. Perhaps they felt that you were wrong in whatever it is you were doing but were afraid to correct you because they thought this would compromise your friendship. Ironically, it seems to have had that result by making no corrective comment.

It's strange how we can say we have close friendships and relationships but we often do just the opposite of what we should do. Lousy answer but that's the way I have seen similar things go down in the past. I try to be brutally honest with friends and it has cost me in the past but at least I wasn't smiling to their face and talking about them behind their backs.

If you want to solve it, talk to her and maybe you can salvage the friendship or at least get an explaination as to why. If you don't want to solve it, cut it off.


There was no real friendship between me and the person i hurt, they say i have, but won't tell me what it is.

Thanks.

hug
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Nov 3, 2008 8:45 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
jbibiza: I don´t know what was said by who to who and I don´t want to... I stay out of the behind the scenes stuff.

I will address one question that you ask.... The fact that you say something in confidence... does it change that fact that you said it? To me saying something negative about a person "in confidence" is worse then saying to their face. It´s called backstabing and I think is worse then betraying a confidence.

If you had a friend and someone came to you and told you something hurtful about them where would your loyalty lay... with the friend being slagged off or the one doing the slagging?

Again I don´t know anything about the situation except what I´ve seen on the threads and don´t know what was said behind the scenes, so my comment is a general one.


tongue my comment was more general

i didnt even know this was about CS?

looked over the op 1 and 2
i answer thusly
1. i think i would feel my confidence was betrayed
but i have learned that people do such things-tell- for various motivations and it has little to do with me and more to do with them

and to 2. uh-after reading it again i have no answer for that one
as ive said-to try to read minds or get people to understand themselves or be honest or say if they know...

not worth the expenditure- if youve stopped w/ the person-good job cuz it sounds like it hurt. if theres something for you to learn about your part its more likely youll learn it later and away from the conflict
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Nov 3, 2008 8:45 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
jbibiza: I don´t know what was said by who to who and I don´t want to... I stay out of the behind the scenes stuff.

I will address one question that you ask.... The fact that you say something in confidence... does it change that fact that you said it? To me saying something negative about a person "in confidence" is worse then saying to their face. It´s called backstabing and I think is worse then betraying a confidence.

If you had a friend and someone came to you and told you something hurtful about them where would your loyalty lay... with the friend being slagged off or the one doing the slagging?

Again I don´t know anything about the situation except what I´ve seen on the threads and don´t know what was said behind the scenes, so my comment is a general one.


I don't believe it's about anything negative, because i have implored the person in private to tell me, and they told me to forget it. Fine i could.

My worry is, why this person i communicated with never corrected me of anything i did wrong. Why is what i did wrong being kept a secret from me, yet got bombarded with massive public dedication to this wrong i've done?

Why are they explaining this to each other after she decided to let me know she knew. What was the aim? I ask myself this.


It's like a tongue twister-
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Nov 3, 2008 8:51 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
jbibiza
jbibizajbibizaIbiza, Balearic Islands Spain133 Threads 6 Polls 7,679 Posts
lusciousmile: I don't believe it's about anything negative, because i have implored the person in private to tell me, and they told me to forget it. Fine i could.

My worry is, why this person i communicated with never corrected me of anything i did wrong. Why is what i did wrong being kept a secret from me, yet got bombarded with massive public dedication to this wrong i've done?

Why are they explaining this to each other after she decided to let me know she knew. What was the aim? I ask myself this.It's like a tongue twister-



If you didn´t feel you were doing anything wrong then why was it done in confidence and not out right?
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Nov 3, 2008 8:54 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
jbibiza: If you didn´t feel you were doing anything wrong then why was it done in confidence and not out right?



Whatever i do in public, i do in private too, be it talking, sharing music or flirting.


What among those things is wrong, in your opinion?
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Nov 3, 2008 8:57 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
lusciousmile
lusciousmilelusciousmileThere, Aland Islands Finland31 Threads 2 Polls 17,895 Posts
This person who got hurt, to my knowledge (it has been said publicly), has been the one apologising to the man we have both been talking too.


Strange.
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Nov 3, 2008 9:02 PM CST Betrayal and Blame
Moema
MoemaMoemaBrasilia, Distrito Federal Brazil58 Threads 5 Polls 1,054 Posts
lusciousmile: I know my feelings and i am probably one of the most direct people here. My problem probably is how i could be blamed, and this person i did 'nothing wrong' with gets the pat on the back, the comfort, the credit and anything else that can be given, while i get portrayed to be the monster. I never had a knife to this person's throat and only talked to them. The person has been arrogant enough to act indifferent. I'm kinda glad this is happening online, because imagine how it would be if i was say meeting with a 'taken' man. This is why it bothers me i guess, i can't imagine how crazy it would have been if i felt that kind of betrayal, and over what, nothing.
Everyone knows that i am not a saint, but if i am wrong, shouldn't we both be wrong? I don't want to be a victim and only need a way to deal with this.

How am i the monster in this scenario?

Thank you, FM.


Hi Lus,

You seem to be looking for honest answers, in an open environment, so I´m going to take that as a start. I´m going to tell you something about my own experience. Maybe you will find it useful to your purpose, maybe you won´t but I´ll try.

First of all, I´ve learned to take every bump and fall as an opportunity to learn something, and what I have gathered from this is that there´s always something I´ve overlooked. There´s always some sign that was there all the time, which I chose not to see it because it wasn´t convenient for my needs or desires. So first question, instead of trying to do anything at all, is (for me) to examine my conscience - as honestly as I can - and try to find what it was that I overlooked, and why.

If I realize I was wrong, I apologize and watch myself so I don´t do it again, for my own sake, so I don´t have to go through that sort of pain and loss again. Or if I still think I´m right, I know that I´m going to clash with whoever is accusing me, and they do that because they feel they´ve been wronged somehow. In that case, I will have to deal with the consequences of having a different opinion from theirs, which may mean ending a friendship (I just did, last week), facing difficulties (at work for instance) and other things.

Then comes the part of choosing how to deal with those problems in a way that makes you feel good, in peace with yourself. You can´t avoid losses. They´ll always be there. As you "grow up", problems get more and more complex, according to the level of responsibility you´re prepared to take on.

So what I can say to you is this: take responsibility for YOUR own acts. You can´t demand justice on others, you can´t save the world, you aren´t always right, you can´t fix other people, and so on. All you can do is choose what to hold on to, what to let go and how that affects your "trip" on this planet. You will find you don´t certain things, and how to stay away from them, and that´s YOUR responsibility.

I believe we create the world we live in, and I´ll explain to you why I think that, because it´s it´s not toilet time psychology self-help. It´s something I read once and have tried to follow as much as my human, imperfect condition and understanding allow me...

Watch your thoughts: they become your words.
Watch your words: they become your actions.
Watch your actions: they become your habits.
Watch your habits: they become your character.
Wacth your character: it becomes your destiny.

Where are you now and where are you going? What is truly important to you? What do you want to experience, what kind of people do you want around you, how do you want to live? It´s acknowledging those things that you make the right choices - for YOU - and sticking to them you do the appropriate things, the ones you need to do to get there. And then the rest doesn´t really matter.

Hope this is worth something...
Take care.


bouquet
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