Betrayal and Blame (90)
lusciousmile: Whatever i do in public, i do in private too, be it talking, sharing music or flirting.What among those things is wrong, in your opinion?
There is nothing wrong with any of that... but in your initial post you said one of the reasons for the problem was that one person betrayed your confidence... which would lead me to think that whatever confidence was betrayed, you didn´t want the other person to know.
Now it´s really sounding like a tongue twister...
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wait a minute!!
this IS about CS?
and a man?
ohnoooooooooooooo
i cannot stand if there is drama before a commitment
i mean has anyone ever heard of dating?
theres no wrong in 'dating' more than one person at a time
and i dont feel everyone involved needs to know
if its one of the daters that tells-thats just weird and der-AMA
i think the question would be what does that talkative dater
hope to gain from talking?
you either date people and then narrow the field or -i dont know
but man whats that saying? discretion is the better part of valor?
sounds messy
this IS about CS?
and a man?
ohnoooooooooooooo
i cannot stand if there is drama before a commitment
i mean has anyone ever heard of dating?
theres no wrong in 'dating' more than one person at a time
and i dont feel everyone involved needs to know
if its one of the daters that tells-thats just weird and der-AMA
i think the question would be what does that talkative dater
hope to gain from talking?
you either date people and then narrow the field or -i dont know
but man whats that saying? discretion is the better part of valor?
sounds messy
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it seems to me that whenever i've read your posts you're often arguing with someone or having some kind of drama. i'm sure it's not like that all the time. I probably haven't read a tenth of your posts so no doubt i've missed much but perhaps,maybe, possibly you're taking this place far too seriously, no? after all, in the end it's merely words on a screen isn't it?
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lusciousmile: Have you ever faced this, with friends, colleagues, school mates, loved ones?
I have felt this.
You share a secret, or sentiment with someone, someone who encourages it and continuously says you are doing nothing wrong. Someone else finds out, you get the fall, alone. Suddenly it's a bad thing you have been doing. Ever heard of three sides of a story? Well that's the case.
Accusations, innuendos through friends, collegues or family, any attempt to make you out to be a villain. Remember this, whatever you did, you did in confidence, and didn't mean to hurt anyone. Kinda like your slip showing.
I have been feeling this for a while now, and the person who accused me of this, has said nothing, NOTHING at all, while i keep getting blame for God knows what. The person who betrayed me, has the audacity to 'explain' things to his friends, remember, suddenly they can't say a word to me and i get the blame. I feel like i just cheated with a married man, yet i haven't. Explaining yourself doesn't help, because the person who has been 'hurt' says it's over, tells you to let it go, but clearly they haven't.
Here's the funny thing, before the accusations, you get so uneasy, you decide to stop communication.
Now, everyone else gets comforted and you get nothing but blame. Tell me, should i who was told i did nothing wrong (which i didn't) be the one to blame for this hurt?
My question is, how would YOU resolve this?
I want honest answers, because i have tried to work it out myself but can't, why, because i need answers i am not getting.No forum kamikaze her, just ideas to solve this. I have never in my year here, felt such confusion, yet i have dated a man, not a man i exchanged an email with, but a man i deeply cared for, respected and spent my time with. Now this, because of a man i never even thought i would ever meet.1. I'm confused, if i wasn't doing something wrong ( which i think is true), then should i feel my confidence was betrayed? Help me out here.
2, If i was doing something wrong all the while, why didn't this person who seemed to respect me, not let me know or try to correct me themselves? Why did i have to hear from a third party that i did something wrong? Why did this person never even try to stop communication with me (the wrong doer) before i did?
Opinions?
eight words of wisdom come to mind, that robin williams once said......''joke 'em if they can't take a f*ck''..........I have felt this.
You share a secret, or sentiment with someone, someone who encourages it and continuously says you are doing nothing wrong. Someone else finds out, you get the fall, alone. Suddenly it's a bad thing you have been doing. Ever heard of three sides of a story? Well that's the case.
Accusations, innuendos through friends, collegues or family, any attempt to make you out to be a villain. Remember this, whatever you did, you did in confidence, and didn't mean to hurt anyone. Kinda like your slip showing.
I have been feeling this for a while now, and the person who accused me of this, has said nothing, NOTHING at all, while i keep getting blame for God knows what. The person who betrayed me, has the audacity to 'explain' things to his friends, remember, suddenly they can't say a word to me and i get the blame. I feel like i just cheated with a married man, yet i haven't. Explaining yourself doesn't help, because the person who has been 'hurt' says it's over, tells you to let it go, but clearly they haven't.
Here's the funny thing, before the accusations, you get so uneasy, you decide to stop communication.
Now, everyone else gets comforted and you get nothing but blame. Tell me, should i who was told i did nothing wrong (which i didn't) be the one to blame for this hurt?
My question is, how would YOU resolve this?
I want honest answers, because i have tried to work it out myself but can't, why, because i need answers i am not getting.No forum kamikaze her, just ideas to solve this. I have never in my year here, felt such confusion, yet i have dated a man, not a man i exchanged an email with, but a man i deeply cared for, respected and spent my time with. Now this, because of a man i never even thought i would ever meet.1. I'm confused, if i wasn't doing something wrong ( which i think is true), then should i feel my confidence was betrayed? Help me out here.
2, If i was doing something wrong all the while, why didn't this person who seemed to respect me, not let me know or try to correct me themselves? Why did i have to hear from a third party that i did something wrong? Why did this person never even try to stop communication with me (the wrong doer) before i did?
Opinions?
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jbibiza: There is nothing wrong with any of that... but in your initial post you said one of the reasons for the problem was that one person betrayed your confidence... which would lead me to think that whatever confidence was betrayed, you didn´t want the other person to know.
Now it´s really sounding like a tongue twister...
Now it´s really sounding like a tongue twister...
Betrayed my confidence in the sense that they gave their side of the stories, in their version. I mentioned 'three sides of a story' in the beginning, meaning they take what i say to them, and relay it in a way i don't still understand, in a version i find unclear.
That is the purpose of this thread, the tongue twister would mean 'what i don't know' in the whole scenario.
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jlw45: eight words of wisdom come to mind, that robin williams once said......''joke 'em if they can't take a f*ck''..........
phew! you are now officially the new smartass
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Luscious, many others have already responded with enough advice and wisdom for me not to have much to add, except that I believe I know what you're speaking about, and I agree that I don't get involved behind the scenes...however, I want you to know that you have my friendship. You are a wise woman for such a young age, and have had plenty of experience for it. And you seem to be a bit like me...I do something, or say something, and have it blow up at me while I go "WTF was that about?"...luckily as I've gotten older I've learned how to avoid some of those pitfalls...mainly by having stepped in my share of pits.
We learn, we go on...it's part of your life learning experience. Yep...it's confusing and it hurts. Time will heal it and someday you won't even remember it, or it will come to mind when somebody else is in a similar situation and you'll be able to advise them about how you finally worked through it. You'll get through this. You're a strong lady. I haven't seen it turn general enmity toward you, so it will be ok in the end.
We learn, we go on...it's part of your life learning experience. Yep...it's confusing and it hurts. Time will heal it and someday you won't even remember it, or it will come to mind when somebody else is in a similar situation and you'll be able to advise them about how you finally worked through it. You'll get through this. You're a strong lady. I haven't seen it turn general enmity toward you, so it will be ok in the end.
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Moema
You have said a lot, and every little word i store with me. I know my mistake was probably not realising that no matter how much i may feel i have 'the right' to do something, (in this case me and this man flirted back and forth) as long as there is someone else more hooked/interested in this man, there will be turmoil. Believe me, i'm not a complete monster and on numerous times, put this on the table, but this man told me to relax as he wasn't taken. All harmless fun. My mistake was not following my intuition and relying on someone else's. I own up to that, and if i deserve the blame, it's for that, not following me own direction.
Yes, it has been a lesson, because come next time, i would not dare even look this way again. Not in a situation where numerous versions of truth could be created. I care for me, and forgot that for a second. I should have pleased myself, and the little bit of discomfort should have been enough for me to know i wouldn't be that pleased in the end. It should have sent me running, without asking.
Thanks, Mo'.
You have said a lot, and every little word i store with me. I know my mistake was probably not realising that no matter how much i may feel i have 'the right' to do something, (in this case me and this man flirted back and forth) as long as there is someone else more hooked/interested in this man, there will be turmoil. Believe me, i'm not a complete monster and on numerous times, put this on the table, but this man told me to relax as he wasn't taken. All harmless fun. My mistake was not following my intuition and relying on someone else's. I own up to that, and if i deserve the blame, it's for that, not following me own direction.
Yes, it has been a lesson, because come next time, i would not dare even look this way again. Not in a situation where numerous versions of truth could be created. I care for me, and forgot that for a second. I should have pleased myself, and the little bit of discomfort should have been enough for me to know i wouldn't be that pleased in the end. It should have sent me running, without asking.
Thanks, Mo'.
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BnaturAl: phew! you are now officially the new smartass
no he is NOT!
firstly you dont get to say-harumph
secondly i was gonna say that but felt it lacked decorum and the proper sentiment
this subject is no place for levity
and besides you aint gettin off the hook that easy b
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dillinger: it seems to me that whenever i've read your posts you're often arguing with someone or having some kind of drama. i'm sure it's not like that all the time. I probably haven't read a tenth of your posts so no doubt i've missed much but perhaps,maybe, possibly you're taking this place far too seriously, no? after all, in the end it's merely words on a screen isn't it?
Still what does the kind of drama i have here, have to do with what i did in private? We all have personality traits, and we aren't here to solve me as a person.
Perhaps you should have read the thread instead.
The drama is there by nature, has nothing to do with betrayal.
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BnaturAl: phew! you are now officially the new smartass
......i would like to give my thanks for this award to all the loving and caring people of CS....without ya'll, it could'nt have been possible.....thank you ,once again.................{we now return you to your regularly scheduled program}................------ This thread is Archived ------
BnaturAl: When the phone's broke you don't ask plumbers for advice.... You will only get resolution in one of two ways;
1)Talking it out with the phone guy, (your confidante?) because that's what is broken
2) In the event that no communication is happening, no measure of response from plumbers, aside from ' human comfort' will be achieved. The event won't be resolved you know? The brain responds to what we want and or we tell ourselves we want. It pays attention to what we are focused on. As long as your focus remains on the event you know your reactions are event centered. It is then more about changing the event or perceptions or the people involved in it, rather than on resolution.
If the other isn't communicating or you're not, and when you want resolution , that must be the focus. The brain won't care how you do it, though some attention to consequences is wise. I mean it's not a good idea to murder anyone just to have resolution However; symbols will help. I have used the burning of photos to symbolize the end of and resolution of matters. Its not so much the articles you use or how, it's about focus, about intention to resolve it personally and let go.
For most of us, there are stages involved in emotional response to events, so I realise that we get upset and it's not so easy to just turn it around in a second, especially when we feel truly hurt. Time is required so I don't mean to just flip a switch and get on with it. I mean at some point you will have to realise that communication is either over or it's not, if it's helpful or it's not and then focus on personal resolution if it isn't.
I'm not sure wrong or right matters and if does, winning that plum won't resolve it either. Maybe validation is the issue? Shot in the dark Your plumber (not taking sides)- BnaturAl
1)Talking it out with the phone guy, (your confidante?) because that's what is broken
2) In the event that no communication is happening, no measure of response from plumbers, aside from ' human comfort' will be achieved. The event won't be resolved you know? The brain responds to what we want and or we tell ourselves we want. It pays attention to what we are focused on. As long as your focus remains on the event you know your reactions are event centered. It is then more about changing the event or perceptions or the people involved in it, rather than on resolution.
If the other isn't communicating or you're not, and when you want resolution , that must be the focus. The brain won't care how you do it, though some attention to consequences is wise. I mean it's not a good idea to murder anyone just to have resolution However; symbols will help. I have used the burning of photos to symbolize the end of and resolution of matters. Its not so much the articles you use or how, it's about focus, about intention to resolve it personally and let go.
For most of us, there are stages involved in emotional response to events, so I realise that we get upset and it's not so easy to just turn it around in a second, especially when we feel truly hurt. Time is required so I don't mean to just flip a switch and get on with it. I mean at some point you will have to realise that communication is either over or it's not, if it's helpful or it's not and then focus on personal resolution if it isn't.
I'm not sure wrong or right matters and if does, winning that plum won't resolve it either. Maybe validation is the issue? Shot in the dark Your plumber (not taking sides)- BnaturAl
Thanks Plumber.
I'll probably catch my neighbour's chickens and pluck their feathers every time i have these questions. No murder.
Seriously though , i do realise that there will not be any communication with these people and frankly i think that would be best. I am thinking that now. So my brain can focus on other things like solving it within me. I need to forget these people, but i have to devise my own way of achieving this.
I get you.
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This is, no doubt, quite complicated, perhaps more than I can sort out after a very long day at the office.
I will say this: You should know if your confidence was betrayed - if so, accept and move on. If not, well, accept and move on anyway.
Reconciling this situation seems to require the confluence of you and the parties involved. This also seems like it may or may not happen, perhaps the latter.
Life can be like that. We want things neat, clear, cleaned up, etc. There are times where this is simply not possible, and the introspection can drive you mad.
I agree with the others that there is something to be learned here.
Hang in there.
I will say this: You should know if your confidence was betrayed - if so, accept and move on. If not, well, accept and move on anyway.
Reconciling this situation seems to require the confluence of you and the parties involved. This also seems like it may or may not happen, perhaps the latter.
Life can be like that. We want things neat, clear, cleaned up, etc. There are times where this is simply not possible, and the introspection can drive you mad.
I agree with the others that there is something to be learned here.
Hang in there.
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Once loyalty walks out the door truths become distorted- walk through it and close it behind you- the alternative could be :-
"et tu Brute"- Julius Caesar --- Shakspere
"et tu Brute"- Julius Caesar --- Shakspere
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lusciousmile: Thanks Plumber. I'll probably catch my neighbour's chickens and pluck their feathers every time i have these questions. No murder. Seriously though , i do realise that there will not be any communication with these people and frankly i think that would be best. I am thinking that now. So my brain can focus on other things like solving it within me. I need to forget these people, but i have to devise my own way of achieving this.
I get you.
I get you.
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mindfful: no he is NOT!
firstly you dont get to say-harumph
secondly i was gonna say that but felt it lacked decorum and the proper sentiment
this subject is no place for levityand besides you aint gettin off the hook that easy b
firstly you dont get to say-harumph
secondly i was gonna say that but felt it lacked decorum and the proper sentiment
this subject is no place for levityand besides you aint gettin off the hook that easy b
oh... I always get a say, even if its just 4 ums or 5 ohs...
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lusciousmile: Play away. This is lush, remember?!
wait
id like to solve you
((time machine-fast forward 20 years))
youre welcome
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BnaturAl: oh... I always get a say, even if its just 4 ums or 5 ohs...
how about an oomph
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it would appear that you are making a private drama a public one. i'm certainly not trying to judge you or solve your personality traits. I doubt they need to be solved. often people get tangled up in things which take on more importance than they're actually worth. as I say these are merely words on a screen.
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You will only get resolution in one of two ways;
1)Talking it out with the phone guy, (your confidante?) because that's what is broken
2) In the event that no communication is happening, no measure of response from plumbers, aside from ' human comfort' will be achieved. The event won't be resolved you know? The brain responds to what we want and or we tell ourselves we want. It pays attention to what we are focused on. As long as your focus remains on the event you know your reactions are event centered. It is then more about changing the event or perceptions or the people involved in it, rather than on resolution.
If the other isn't communicating or you're not, and when you want resolution, that must be the focus. The brain won't care how you do it, though some attention to consequences is wise. I mean it's not a good idea to murder anyone just to have resolution
For most of us, there are stages involved in emotional response to events, so I realise that we get upset and it's not so easy to just turn it around in a second, especially when we feel truly hurt. Time is required so I don't mean to just flip a switch and get on with it. I mean at some point you will have to realise that communication is either over or it's not, if it's helpful or it's not and then focus on personal resolution if it isn't.
I'm not sure wrong or right matters and if does, winning that plum won't resolve it either. Maybe validation is the issue? Shot in the dark
Your plumber (not taking sides)- BnaturAl