those that are separated/divorced? (57)

A recent conversation made me think about this...how is your relationship with your 'inlaws'?. I am still very friendly with mine.they babysit, or i will meet for a coffee, they will drop in on the way back to dublin from the ferry etc. are you still friendly with yours? I would hate to think i had to stop being friends with them,......their son/brother( ie my ex) and I are civil, and making the effort to get along for the sake of harmony and the kids.

Do you think there is anything wrong with keeping close ties with my kids uncles/aunties/grandma? I think it is wrong to cut them out of their lives. i suppose i am lucky that all my inlaws are lovely, and that my husband and I don't hate each other- just realised that wI didn't want to be married to him any more. I'm sure it makes it so much harder when things are not like that. what's your experience. posting this on the international site too, for a wider perspective.

I get on really well with my in-laws. As matter of fact I get on better with them than my ex does. We keep in regular contact and myself and the children are always included in family celebrations.

I would have like to maintain my connection to the "in-laws" but my ex didnt want me to. We are on civil terms - just her way of dealing with the separation. She chose not to keep contact with my siblings and parents. For the sake of my daughter would have preferred that I be able to visit the in-laws with her, but not my choice.

that sounds just like mine- when we went to visit or for lunch, he would sit and read the paper, and i would chat, mind the kids, and help with dinner!! so why should i not continue that- luckily he has no problem with it

i'm sorry to hear that GM- it's a shame that she can't see the advantages for your daughter to see you geting on with her aunties/uncles/grandparents. I know my family wuld be happy to see my ex in any kind of situation- isn't that what being a grown up is all about- they weren't married to him, as i wasn't maried to his family, so if i can get on with him, why not the family too?

My own experience ................

When I divorced my ex it was like I divorced the whole of my in-law family, which made the whole process much more painful at the time.

However, I always sent my parents-in-law my yearly annual report, (my Christmas letter on the year that was........) plus their favourite box of biscuits!

I always encouraged our daughter's to visit their grand parents. I did the odd time...........but found family funerals very difficult, brought up the the loss and associated pain.........

However, this year my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and a nurse thought I was "family", she told me he had two months or less to live...........I was the one given the task of telling my in-laws.........Difficult............but I did.

What was even more important for me, was I got an amazing chance to talk with my father-in-law, whom I have always loved and we had such wonderful courageous honest real conversations that night, I will always hold those dear and very very special.

I was with him the day before he died and fulfilled a promise I made to him............

I love my in-laws, I always have, they will always be part of my family.

Nothing will ever change that, they are in my heart.

No matter how it all pan's out..........

Love does NOT die, it can't, it's a positive energy........

My thought for this night!

Minx and thanks for the thread jampet.

that is so nice minx- yes we divorce the person, not the family and i'm glad you got to spend that time with you FIl and i'm sure your ex appreciates it too.i will always be close to my ex's family ( i was there when his dad died and helped the hospice nurse lay out his body- and would still have done that if it happened now.In some ways, i still love my ex- for the times that we shared and the kids we created- i never want to be 'with him' again, but the bond will always be there, i hope, so i will treat his family as my own , as long as i am allowed

I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping contact with them. I think it makes for a healthy upbringing for your children...your teaching them that despite conflict, relationships can be kept; I think that is wonderful Jampet and wish more people were as open as you. My ex and I also speak on nearly a daily basis, for our son. I want him to know everytihng is ok...even though we are not living together we can still get on. The inlaws ....well those are in the US and we speak very seldome but when I lived there...they would always be invited to birthday parties ect....you have to show your children how to maintain relatonship. As we all know...we all need as many people on our side as we go through life. Burning bridges is never a good idea..

I have the very same situation. I get on very well with the "in-laws". they have always treated me with respect and vice versa. However, my ex would prefer that I do not maintain that relationship and it is a hard decision on what exactly do you do.

While we seem to have civil enough relationship, she broke all contact with my family which they took very badly as she was made very welcome and when there are kids involved, it is something that really hurts the grandparents. However, it is also not fair on the children as it really does limit their getting to know their extended families.

Our divorce was not a messy one at all as we both came to the relisation that it was not working for either and we both wanted out. However, I would love to know what drives either spouse to doing this?