gypsykisses: don't you think that the person in question would be the one with the low self esteem?
Nooooooo...but they mistake that sometimes for women who want to find real love....they sometimes make the wrong choices...but yet get away with it for a time...at least until you want them to put their money where their mouth is...and while you think they are genuine....then the 360 happens...all the excuses..coolness and hot and cold..at least until you put an end to it...then they try to blow hot again...just so they can set you up again to pull the rug out from under you...each time you except their excuses etc...you will find you get less and less...
Hugz_n_Kissez: Nooooooo...but they mistake that sometimes for women who want to find real love....they sometimes make the wrong choices...but yet get away with it for a time...at least until you want them to put their money where their mouth is...and while you think they are genuine....then the 360 happens...all the excuses..coolness and hot and cold..at least until you put an end to it...then they try to blow hot again...just so they can set you up again to pull the rug out from under you...each time you except their excuses etc...you will find you get less and less...
so the ones that need ego boosts through this method have high self esteem
geez Shel, I think i'd have to be St. Bob to not be a little guily of a couple of those things, and yet I feel I am in a VERY commited relationship. Are you unavailable if you are guily of ANY of these things or do you need to be guilty of all of them? Scoring system??
I’ve focused on what they’ve said, how they chased me, the promises but in truth, this is just a bit of chump change.
As I pointed out to a reader today “It doesn’t matter that they chased you intensely for the first four months - what matters is that now that two years have gone by, he’s not been chasing, treating you decently, or behaving consistently for the remainder of the time.”
If a man chases you for two months of the year and plays hide and seek for the next 10, that means that for eighty three percent of the year, he’s been messing with your head and this is his true character and his true behaviour.
I’m all for optimism, but this is taking the glass is half full mentality to the extreme and putting your focus on the wrong things.
Sometimes, you need to get medieval with yourself. When I realised I’d been with one guy for 5 months and he only blew hot for 2 weeks, I knew I was doing a disservice to myself.
Suddenly I realised that it was time to stop seeing shades of grey and that it was time to see things in black and white as they are, because in reality, people in healthy relationships don’t need to blur the lines and live in la la land to make things sit more comfortably.
This is the same way that you have to look at yourself too because emotional unavailability is not just about flip flapping men who often come back when they need an ego stroke - It’s about emotionally unavailable women who regardless of whether these men attempt to come back, are putting their lives on hold in the hope that he will come and ‘fall back’ on them.
Shades of grey indeed! Often, it is what it is, even if that makes for unpleasantries but in recognising the truth in your involvement, comes grief, comes acceptance, comes time to move the hell on.
Remember, from the moment that you know he doesn’t want you, you shouldn’t be worrying about why he doesn’t want you - I’d concern yourself from detaching yourself and your emotions from someone who doesn’t recognise your value.
bob1959: geez Shel, I think i'd have to be St. Bob to not be a little guily of a couple of those things, and yet I feel I am in a VERY commited relationship. Are you unavailable if you are guily of ANY of these things or do you need to be guilty of all of them? Scoring system??
You're emotionally unavailable if you give the impression that you want to commit...but in reality have no intention of committing to anyone or anything...it's not just a check list Bob...it's a whole emotional mind game that presents itself when it's time to put your money where your mouth is and action behind your words...this is someone who has no intention on committing to anyone..doesn't care about anyone but himself and his own needs and turns the tables on his s/o to make it her fault when he gets caught....
Very strong advice Hugz...shades of grey surround many relationships. Hopefully it will make a bit of sense and help a few people stop making excuses for their shady relationships. Although I don't think so---most ppl don't want to admit it.
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