jokes (27)
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, its like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
She says, confused, "sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, its like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
2 tourists driving through wales.
at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they stopped 4 lunch.
One of the tourists asked the blonde waitress.
"Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The Blonde waitress leans over and says "burr-gurr-king"
at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they stopped 4 lunch.
One of the tourists asked the blonde waitress.
"Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The Blonde waitress leans over and says "burr-gurr-king"
Ever wondered why you rarely see men's letters in agony aunt
columns....
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next
to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of
the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine
seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
columns....
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next
to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of
the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine
seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
drink has a lot to answer for...
Escapad convict breaks into a bedroom, ties up the husband in a chair and the wife on the bed.
Jupms on top of the wife, kisses her ear and then goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells his wife: Satisfy him or he will both kill us, i saw the way he kissed you, BE STRONG, i love you!!
Wife says: he didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the vaseline, i told him it is in the bathroom,
You BE STRONG, i love you.
Jupms on top of the wife, kisses her ear and then goes to the bathroom.
Husband tells his wife: Satisfy him or he will both kill us, i saw the way he kissed you, BE STRONG, i love you!!
Wife says: he didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the vaseline, i told him it is in the bathroom,
You BE STRONG, i love you.
Very good scintilla, im liking that joke!!!
very good!!!Hows u tonite Cheyni
Im good hun,,,sitting here having a vodka,,,and you?
Sittin here depressed hon, will I ever meet a nice, decent girl.
I know u dont know me hon.
I know u dont know me hon.
babe,,,,,,you ok? just mailed ya hunni 
Ah thanks Cheyni hon
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided
after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Too good not to share...
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So
Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was
just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, " It was the final straw - you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the f~*!'s that on the balcony with Dave?"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So
Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was
just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, " It was the final straw - you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the f~*!'s that on the balcony with Dave?"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He always enjoyed tinkering with engines, and thought he'd become a mechanic. So, he enrolled in mechanics' school.
He did fairly well right until the end of the semester. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it-obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynaecologist friend did the test and waited anxiously for the results.
The day he received his grade, he got quite a surprise. He got 150%!
He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said, "No, no, that's right. First I gave you full credit,
for 50%, for stripping down the engine - a very thorough and efficient job. Next, I gave you full credit, or 50%, for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. One of the best I've ever seen.
And then, I gave you a bonus for doing it all through the exhaust."
He did fairly well right until the end of the semester. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it-obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynaecologist friend did the test and waited anxiously for the results.
The day he received his grade, he got quite a surprise. He got 150%!
He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said, "No, no, that's right. First I gave you full credit,
for 50%, for stripping down the engine - a very thorough and efficient job. Next, I gave you full credit, or 50%, for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. One of the best I've ever seen.
And then, I gave you a bonus for doing it all through the exhaust."
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- The Real Stormy Story
- Have it both ways!
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- I'm a 53 YEAR'S YUNG MAN that lives back in the 80s
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Naturall the doctor asks him what has happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a field of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it.....stuck right in the middle of the cown bottom. That when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cows tail again and yelled to my wife, "hey this looks like yours!" "I dont remember much after that.........."