jokes (27)

LITTLE BARRY

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time
to tell his mother what he wanted: "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home.

Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike
for his birthday, little Barry, of course, thought he did.


Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect
on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and
tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

ittle Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.


LETTER 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Barry



Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2

Dear God,


This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday

Thank you,

Barry.



Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and
started again.


LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red
bike for my birthday

Your friend,

Barry.


In truth, Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he
wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE.

Ian Paisley, as we all know adores the queen and the queen mother, he loved them so much, that he has a picture of each on either side of his bed.
Each night he would give his "girls a wee kiss and say goodnight.
Well his wife Eileen was getting sick and tired of the girls getting their kisses and she got none.So she took action, went to a tattoo parlour and got a tat of the "girls" done.
That night when the Big Ian went to bed, he discovered his "girls were gone!! While he shouted and roared, Eileen threw back the covers on the bed, "Big Man I have something for you, have a wee look", and by god did Big Ian get bigger for on the inside on Eilleen 's right thigh, there was an image of the Queen Mum and on the left the Queen herself!! Big Ian bent down and kissed the Queen Mum saying goodnight mam, he kissed the queen and bid her goonight.
As Eileen waited with bated breath her thighs all a quiver, Big Ian leaned back and said to poor Eilleen










"I'll be damned if I kiss Gerry Adams!!!!!"

Modern Ireland...

A Cuban, a Scot, a Latvian, and an Irishman are sharing a carraige on a train.
The Cuban lights up this enormous cuban cigar. About 12 inches long, worth about 800 pound. Takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full cuban cigar. He replies, "I'm from Cuba, have thousands of those things back home".
A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 years old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window. The other three in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt scottish whiskey, he replies, "I'm Scottish, I have thousands of those things at home".
A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Latvian out the window..............

Be sure and read the first line of text.





This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH:

This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again. Divert YOUR course.

IRISH:

Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.




IRISH: We are a lighthouse....................Your call.

When I heard this, it was a Polishman - but maybe that was because I was told it by a Polish guy

Menopause Jewellery:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.