Laugh of hte day (58)
KHD100Edmonton, Alberta Canada129 Threads 3 Polls 2,495 PostsMike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs. Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"
Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal for St. Valentine’s Day and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home and no stops at the pub. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there."
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The Taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. He told them "We have reached your destination."
The first drunk gave him money and the second drunk said "Thank you". The third drunk gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked and thought the third drunk knew what he did. He asked "What's that for?" The third drunk replied,
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!!" ...
The first drunk gave him money and the second drunk said "Thank you". The third drunk gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked and thought the third drunk knew what he did. He asked "What's that for?" The third drunk replied,
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!!" ...
KHD100: Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The Taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. He told them "We have reached your destination."
The first drunk gave him money and the second drunk said "Thank you". The third drunk gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked and thought the third drunk knew what he did. He asked "What's that for?" The third drunk replied,
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!!" ...
The first drunk gave him money and the second drunk said "Thank you". The third drunk gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked and thought the third drunk knew what he did. He asked "What's that for?" The third drunk replied,
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!!" ...
good one KD.
Redneck Magic Elevator...
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
kennn: Redneck Magic Elevator...
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
I hope others will add jokes or funny items to this thread.
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things
through, you will recognize this!
Axxxlor-Mxttxl Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss
was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes,
and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and
don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
through, you will recognize this!
Axxxlor-Mxttxl Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss
was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes,
and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and
don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy, one of the little people is planning to marry,
he is he is.
So he goes to visit the king of the little people and asks him how he could tell if his
Bride=to-be is still a virgin.
The king says, “Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish humans
Use three things for what they call a Do-It-Yourself
… Virginity Test Kit …
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel
Paddy asks, “Aye and to be sure, what do I do with these things Oh King?”
The king of the fairies replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your
Wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other one blue.
If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…!
You hit her with the shovel.”
Paddy, one of the little people is planning to marry,
he is he is.
So he goes to visit the king of the little people and asks him how he could tell if his
Bride=to-be is still a virgin.
The king says, “Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish humans
Use three things for what they call a Do-It-Yourself
… Virginity Test Kit …
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel
Paddy asks, “Aye and to be sure, what do I do with these things Oh King?”
The king of the fairies replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your
Wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other one blue.
If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…!
You hit her with the shovel.”
Good one KD
The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
kennn: Good one KD
The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
The Price You Pay For Being Good
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his
drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I
was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see
a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my
life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My
boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab
driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in
the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
neighbour. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison ..."
drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I
was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see
a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my
life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My
boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab
driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in
the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
neighbour. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison ..."
Kiddy01: A brain goes to a local barA brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
>
> The sharing of marriage....
>
> The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
>
> He unwrapped the plain hamburger and
> carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .
>
> He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
> and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
>
> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
> between them
> .... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
> were looking over and whispering.
>
> Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
> one meal for the two of them.'
>
> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
> offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
> just fine - they were used to sharing everything
>
> People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
> She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
> the drink.
>
> Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
> for them.
> This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
> everything..'
>
> Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
> napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
> eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
>
> She answered
>
> (Continue below - This is great)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'THE TEETH.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The sharing of marriage....
>
> The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
>
> He unwrapped the plain hamburger and
> carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .
>
> He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
> and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
>
> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
> between them
> .... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
> were looking over and whispering.
>
> Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is
> one meal for the two of them.'
>
> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
> offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
> just fine - they were used to sharing everything
>
> People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
> She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
> the drink.
>
> Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
> for them.
> This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
> everything..'
>
> Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
> napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
> eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
>
> She answered
>
> (Continue below - This is great)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'THE TEETH.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
>
> Do you know that when a woman wears
>
> a leather dress,
>
> a man's heart beats quicker,
>
> his throat gets dry ,
>
> he gets weak in the knees,
>
> and he thinks irrationally ?
>
> Ever wonder why?
>
>
>
> It's because she smells
> like a
> New Truck!
>
> Do you know that when a woman wears
>
> a leather dress,
>
> a man's heart beats quicker,
>
> his throat gets dry ,
>
> he gets weak in the knees,
>
> and he thinks irrationally ?
>
> Ever wonder why?
>
>
>
> It's because she smells
> like a
> New Truck!
Jesus walks into A hotel, Hands the guy at the front desk 3 nails and asks. Can you put me up for the night?
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What in hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"
Does she still have the hiccups?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"
Does she still have the hiccups?"
The Pickle Man
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
Freds' Note
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
The Blood Donor
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery , but prior to the surgery , the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises .
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood , it couldn't be found locally , so, the call went out .
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type .
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab .
After the surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars .
A couple of days later , once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery .
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again .
After the second surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates .
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated . He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again , that you would give me a BMW , diamonds & money , but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins ."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery , but prior to the surgery , the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises .
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood , it couldn't be found locally , so, the call went out .
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type .
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab .
After the surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars .
A couple of days later , once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery .
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again .
After the second surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates .
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated . He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again , that you would give me a BMW , diamonds & money , but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins ."
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