something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please (16)

Jan 1, 2011 7:24 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
okay,

first of all....happy newyear to everyone. I hope all your wishes, in good health, will come through this year.

I was wondering about something and I want to ask you what you think of it. I don't know in which catgory my question belongs but I think 'relating' is a good option.

right after my wee girl was born, my ex and I broke up. I had a lot of soulsearching to do and after 3 years, I'm glad to say I'm ready for new things.
it came as no surprise that he moved on very short after the breakup and now he is living together with a girl (the one he met during our time together) and they will a have a baby soon. that's fine, I wish them well.

I know men move on much more easy then women with these things.
but what I never expected was that I have female friends in my circle who act the same. my former sister in law kicked her boyfriend out of the house and started a new relationship within a month and she is happily living with him for almost 2 years now. she claims he's an old friend and he was there to comfort her...one thing led to another...and so on.

a ohter friend of mine had her baby and after two months she broke up with her boyfriend. after 3 weeks she met an old friend and she is happily living with him now.

another friend, married for 10 years, had her babies 3 and 1 years ago...always happy with her husband untill the news came that they were going to be divorced because the love was gone and they lived as brother and sister. she is not even divorced yet, still living with her soon to be ex husband but already she is in a new relationship, a guy she knew a long time before. she claims he is not the reason for the breakup and I believe her.

believe me, I wish them all well but it makes me wonder. It took me quite some time to let my wounds heal, to get my life back on track and to find out what and who I am on my own, not as a part of a couple anymore and I wasn't ready and open for a new relationship untill now, 3 years later.
how come people, after a breakup, rush into a new relationship and don't take time to heal?

I mean, they say they are happy and that they made the right decision, but I doubt their motives and if these motives are genuine. I think they seek strength in another persons arms just to avoid negative emotions.

I guess my friends are taking their hurt from the previous relationship into the new one and setting themselves up for new hurt in the future.
am I right or wrong in this?
Jan 1, 2011 7:28 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
CuspofMagic
CuspofMagicCuspofMagiclight, South Australia Australia278 Threads 7,904 Posts
...You're right
Jan 1, 2011 8:17 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
wordsmith99
wordsmith99wordsmith99Lyon, Rhone-Alpes France2 Threads 399 Posts
We are all different. We deal with things differently. There is no right and wrong, only one way and another - different - way.
Jan 2, 2011 1:03 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
i know that.

but I was just wondering because already 3 women friends in my circle moved along so soon. it can be coincidence...and that's fine...i already said I wished them well...

but in my opinion this is a matter of monkey see monkey do....if one claims to be happy with the new partner and shows no negative emotions at all....then the other will try to achieve the same...

it seems to me that is it almost a shame to feel negative after a loss or breakup.

pfew....difficult to explain what I mean....
Jan 2, 2011 2:28 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
michimoo7
michimoo7michimoo7larnaca, Larnaca Cyprus9 Posts
I think it depends on the person, alot of people are in a relationship for a long time that they are not happy in, so when it does end they are ready to start again with someone else. life is very short and maybe thats why they start a new relationship quickly, but what is quick to one person may seem long to others.
Happiness doesnt come to you by waiting you have to go and grab it, if it doesnt last so be it but you wont know until you try.
Fear of getting hurt stops us from entering a new relationship it also stops us from being happy with another person. I think its good to go into a new relationship with a clear mind but each persons time limit on that is different, Healing is different for everyone, some people heal together doesnt mean they are wrong. No one knows if a relationship will work thats the risk we all take.
Hope that answers your question, im afraid no easy answer just acceptance.
Jan 2, 2011 8:33 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
JohnSavy
JohnSavyJohnSavyZurich, Switzerland13 Posts
I think it depends on personality as well as what the relationship meant to you. If you weaved your life around the relationship, it's difficult to get over it.
Jan 2, 2011 10:02 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
JohnSavy: I think it depends on personality as well as what the relationship meant to you. If you weaved your life around the relationship, it's difficult to get over it.


fascinating..
the last two friends I mentioned certainly weaved their lives around the relationship. no doubt about that...but they went straight into an old friend arms as soon as was possible.

perhaps it is a personality thing. but what is it in personality that makes one flee into a third persons arms?
I mean...they all just had babies..in my opinion you don't make a baby with someone who you don't really care for.
are they afraid they will be alone with their baby and therefore seek the comfort of the presence of the old friend?
and let that prevail above their own hurt feelings?
that sounds too easy to me...
Jan 2, 2011 12:26 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
tomboygirl
tomboygirltomboygirllarnaca, Larnaca Cyprus225 Posts
carenza: fascinating..
the last two friends I mentioned certainly weaved their lives around the relationship. no doubt about that...but they went straight into an old friend arms as soon as was possible.

perhaps it is a personality thing. but what is it in personality that makes one flee into a third persons arms?
I mean...they all just had babies..in my opinion you don't make a baby with someone who you don't really care for.
are they afraid they will be alone with their baby and therefore seek the comfort of the presence of the old friend?
and let that prevail above their own hurt feelings?
that sounds too easy to me...


Perhaps you should ask yourself why what they are doing bothers you so much?
That is their life choice,and one person can not(in my opinion)tell another their choice is wrong,because you will never know how that person functions/thinks/needs.somehow your friends were able to trust and open up to another person despite the hurt.

I believe nobody gets over a big breakup,we are all in various stages of change,brought on by life's losses,relationships,experiences and if finding comfort even for a year or two in the closeness of another who cares,makes life richer for someone,I think they are lucky.
So many people wondering this site,lonely,and horribly isolated,unable to risk the emotional trauma of another breakup..
Jan 2, 2011 12:49 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
tomboygirl: Perhaps you should ask yourself why what they are doing bothers you so much?
That is their life choice,and one person can not(in my opinion)tell another their choice is wrong,because you will never know how that person functions/thinks/needs.somehow your friends were able to trust and open up to another person despite the hurt.

I believe nobody gets over a big breakup,we are all in various stages of change,brought on by life's losses,relationships,experiences and if finding comfort even for a year or two in the closeness of another who cares,makes life richer for someone,I think they are lucky.
So many people wondering this site,lonely,and horribly isolated,unable to risk the emotional trauma of another breakup..


well,

you do have a point there, thanks for your post.

it doesn't bother me at all. as I said before, I wish them well.
I only hope they're not setting themselves up for another future drama.
it just made me wonder how my friends can so easely step into another relation.
it makes me think about their old relations. for the outside world, everything looked fine...but the end came quickly in all situtions and i cannot imagine you don't take a lot of hurt with you into the new relationship.
my referring point is my own misery. surely I did have good friends to support me but it didn't come into my mind to step into a relationship.
i wonder what the difference is between me and my friends. maybe that is bothering me the most. what makes them different from me?

and sure....everyone is different and to each his own....i know that...but I'm just puzzled about why people rush into a new relationship after a breakup or loss.

is it because they are vulnerable at that moment?

i just don't understand.
Jan 2, 2011 1:50 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
Bental
BentalBentalAttard, Majjistral Malta2 Threads 574 Posts
It might be all about the values one puts to things and stuff.

Personally I am finding it very difficult to part with the "good" past. I used to be big on positive thinking but I am not so sure now. Now I am just tring to go with the flow and getting as much as possible out of the way.

Sometimes it is hard...very hard.
Jan 2, 2011 3:25 PM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
Tulefel
TulefelTulefelGöteborg, Vastra Gotaland Sweden24 Threads 1 Polls 2,848 Posts
carenza: okay,

first of all....happy newyear to everyone. I hope all your wishes, in good health, will come through this year.

I was wondering about something and I want to ask you what you think of it. I don't know in which catgory my question belongs but I think 'relating' is a good option.

...

I guess my friends are taking their hurt from the previous relationship into the new one and setting themselves up for new hurt in the future.
am I right or wrong in this?



When I divorced my friend told me not to wait too long before getting into another relationship, even a brief and unserious one. Otherwise, she warned me, you’d get used to being alone and there is practically no way out of it.

But as times before the divorce were rather laborious, both physically and emotionally, I thought that I deserved to be alone for some while. I started dating, and there was a few proposals that were worth consideration, but I thought that I haven’t enjoyed being on my own long enough… I’ll wait, I’ll give myself little more time of freedom, I thought.

And now I’m used to it. It’s so convenient: I don’t need to compromise or consider someone’s dreams and pains and wishes and hopes. Or habits. I’m free. Such a wonderful feeling… Yeah… until you meet some happy and functioning couple. Then you know that you are alone, plain and simple.

So from that experience I can tell that your friends did the very right thing. Whether they are happy as they say, or it was a chain reaction, or their relationships would hold in the long run… Well, actually that’s no one business.

And happy New Year!

cheering
Jan 6, 2011 5:01 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
tomboygirl
tomboygirltomboygirllarnaca, Larnaca Cyprus225 Posts
Phoenix: Just 'feel's good'...Trust me folk's getting intimate with nubiles is better than 'feel's good'...


I don't know Phoenix,just this once,I might have to test this theory a few times,rather than taking your word for it..

grin
Jan 6, 2011 5:15 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
zzoen
zzoenzzoenRotterdam, South Holland Netherlands5 Threads 2 Polls 57 Posts
Solution: don't let anyone get under your skin. dancing
Jan 6, 2011 6:11 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
Phoenix
PhoenixPhoenixSarkoville, Ile-de-France France110 Threads 32 Polls 2,591 Posts
tomboygirl: I don't know Phoenix,just this once,I might have to test this theory a few times,rather than taking your word for it..


So you'll test my theory on other nubiles...(TBG you're a good girl)..Just let me know the out come (research for my up coming block buster of a book)
Jan 6, 2011 9:33 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
anblu45
anblu45anblu45treviso, Veneto Italy31 Threads 2 Polls 731 Posts
simply we are not a monogamus "specie" some religions created the marriage life-target, but we are evolving grown up.

the soul-mate do not exist
Jan 6, 2011 10:11 AM CST something about old hurt and new relationships...your opinion please
Bluebutterfly100
Bluebutterfly100Bluebutterfly100Brussels, Brussels (Bruxelles) Belgium1 Posts
I used to believe that there was "no right and wrong" when I was younger, but now I am not so sure. I believe that trust and honesty within a relationship with anyone, even your friends, are traits that preserve our respect for each other's dignity and is part of what makes us human. Without them, we may as well be animals acting purely on instinct and whatever feels right in the moment. I know that there alot of people who buy into this relativist approach because it tends to support the ego's desires (that is until that particular ego finds itself the one damaged by someone else's betrayal and then relativism doesn't seem quite so cool).

Having been in a similar situation to the one posted (partner left long-term relationship and v. small children for much younger colleague - nice cliche) I don't quite buy that you wish them well. I don't really with my ex. Not that I wish him harm either, but there is an inbuilt human desire for justice that means I do wish that he would experience the pain of being dumped unceremoniously for someone he can never be again (younger, childless whatever). My husband would never admit it, but he just couldn't cope with the responsibility of family life, he felt "neglected" by me because we had small children, and he basically had an affair to massage his fragile ego. Not cool. Not grown-up. Not responsible. And yet he did choose to marry me, we discussed having children extensively before we had them and we both wanted them. He just couldn't deal with the reality. There is another interesting blog about the 3 stages of love which makes that point that in the modern age we are preoccupied with the first stage of love, physical love, which is why so few relationships make it through to the third stage, unconditional love. I tend to agree with that point.
In any case, you were treated badly, you have friends who are treating others badly and if it helps at all, I seek solace in the fact that, as arrogant as it may sound, I have a deeper understanding of the world, love and life than my ex ever had, or will have. The minute his ego is needy in his new relationship, no doubt thoughts of finding that "adoration" that he is seeking will enter again. I don't wish him well, I wish him the capacity for deeper thought and to be at peace with himself without needing others to make up for his lack of self esteem.
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