Every morning for several years I wake up to reality which strikes with a pain.
Unbearable.
I have no man to protect me, so I invented the guardian.
I draw an image of him in my mind and shield my pain with it.
He comforts me, he makes me feel safe, he cares for me, he loves me. Pain goes, he brings life into me.
I am ready to get up and face the day.

The days are so long.
It is not true that time is running: it is crawling from one court decree to another, and there are so many mornings behind and ahead with a pain to strike.
I go through the day talking in my mind to this invented guardian, the only friend I have.
I can't afford the real friends, their lives are not prepared for the trouble I live in.
Their questions about my child only place a salt on my wound, their pity does not comfort, it pushes me into solitude.

Another day coming to an end.
Time to go sleep is a tough time too.
My mind controls my emotions when it is fully awake, but when it is just awaking or relaxed going to sleep, the control fails and I feel it all.
Immediately I draw the image of my guardian to shield the pain. He embraces me and caress me to sleep,
I feel safe in his arms.
I always sleep good.

If not for him I would not survive so long.
He keeps me alive for a number of years.

I tried to meet people but the image of my guardian dominates, it is strong and powerful, no ordinary person can compete with it.

And there is a real man, whose image I took.
I have never told him who is he for me.
He lives his life and has a very little space for me in it.
When I see him in person I feel that the line between the dreams and reality fades.
He looks at me like he knows more than he wants to say.
When I talk to him I look in his eye and I wonder what runs through his mind at times when he is waking up or falling asleep.
Does he know?