Thought I would be a cat for this challenge, not just any cat though. Macavity. From a poem by T.S.Eliot. Thought it was about time he was allowed to put his side of things. Apologies to that fine work.

ME?
They say, I am a kinda mystery cat, they call me "The Hidden Paw"
They say, I am a master criminal, who can defy the law,
That, I'm a bafflement to Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair,
For, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.

They, say it's me you see. But, I say, that day I went to Daventry,
They, say I've broken every human law, even the law of gravity,
That, my powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
That, when they reach the scene of a crime, I simply am not there.

You may seek me in the basement, you may seek me in the air,
But, I tell you once, and, once again.....I simply am not there!

I'm a bit of a ginger cat, I'm really quite tall and thin,
You might know me if you saw me.......My eyes are quite sunken in,
My brow is always lined with thought, My balding head is highly domed,
I dispute my coat is dusty from neglect, that my whiskers are uncombed,
That, like a snake I sway my head from side to side, is a mistake,
Though....It's true that when you think I'm half asleep, I'm always wide awake.

It's always me, they say, you see.....There is no-one like Macavity,
That, I'm a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity,
That, you can meet me in a side street, or, see me in the square,
But, when a crime's discovered......I simply am not there!

They say I'm outwardly respectable, they also say I cheat at cards,
And, I know my footprints are not to be found in any file of Scotland yard's.
When the larder is looted, or, a jewel case is rifled,
When the milk is missing, or, another "Peke's" been stifled,
The greenhouse glass is broken, or, the chicken wire's past repair,
They cannot understand the wonder of the fact that I am simply never there!

When the Foreign Office finds a treaty has gone astray,
Or, The Admiralty lose some top secret plans again..."By the way",
There may be a clue, a scrap of something in the hall or on the stair,
But, it's useless to investigate, 'cos I'm not there,
And, when the loss is disclosed, some politician might say,
"It must have been Macavity".....But, I'm always miles away,
Where, you'll be sure to find me resting, or, licking fish from my thumb,
While I'm engaged in something else, like, a long division sum.

It's me they say, you see.....There's no-one like Macavity,
But, I ask you...Do I appear to you as a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity?
I always have an alibi, even one or two to spare,
Cos, whatever time the deed took place, I simply wasn't there!

So, now all the facts you've got,
All that's been said is true,
Make your own mind up,
Maybe, even some evidence accrue,
Just....Find somewhere where I am....Rather than where I'm not!