Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the jail
Lots of creatures were stirring
Even a vengeful inmate with a nail
The toilet paper was hung by the communal toilet without care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there
The prisoners were nustled unsafe in their beds
While visions of freedom danced in their heads
And I in my orange prison uniform and the guard in her cap
Wished we could settle down for a long winter's nap
When up from the roof there arose such a clatter
The prison guard sprang from her chair to see what was the matter
I knew that someone was up on that roof so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick
And then in the twinkling I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof
Then when I felt all would be well
In St. Nicholson came into our cell
He spoke a few words and went straight to his work
Then he exclaimed like a jerk
Deadbeat dads who make kids cry
Bad check writers who steal and lie
Drunk drivers who maim and make people fret
You all deserve the baloney sandwich you're going to get
But I come here to give you more than words
I also give you my Christmas turds
Then he laid a finger aside of his nose
And majically a chimney arose
Up he went and I heard him exclaim as he faded from sight
Merry Christmas to everyone else and I wish them all well
But as for you
You can all go to hell!