Everyday I go down and read to the pigeons. We have an agreement. I read to them and I take one home for dinner.

Pigeon 1: “look it’s that tuned loony who thinks we understand English!”

Pigeon 2: “I thought he was talking to himself?”

Pigeon 1: “no it’s definitely us”

Pigeon 2: “we should be able to speak English by now, he keeps reading the same fffing page from his book!”

Pigeon 1: “hang on a minute... that’s not a book he’s reading to us... it’s a menu!”

Pigeon 2: “why is he reading us a menu??”

Me: “anyone hungry ???!”

Pigeon 1: “??...

Pigeon 2: “jokes on him we’ve already eaten!”

Pigeon 1: “where’s the rest of our band? We’re four pigeons shy of a full canter?”

Pigeon 2: “I haven’t seen the others since this dastardly muttley start turning up?”

Pigeon 1: “something Isn’t right here. This dizzy sherbet arrives at dawn everyday fattening us up on bread while he has pigeon a la carte!”

Pigeon 2: “stale bread!”

Pigeon 1: “stale as a loaf capsized from the ancients!”

Pigeon 2: “what makes you think he even eats pigeon?”

Pigeon 1: “well he talks to pigeons walks like a pigeon and with that haircut he’s starting to look like a pigeon”

Pigeon 2: “I’m scared”

Pigeon 1: “get a grip we’re pigeons not chickens!”

Pigeon 2: “is this war?”

Pigeon 1: “this Isn’t war. This is “Saving Pigeon Ryan!”

Pigeon 2: “what we gonna do?”

Pigeon 1: “shit on his menu and find a new location!”