How often have you been sent to prison. ( Archived) (37)

I once got a penalty, it was more than I wanted to pay, so I decided to go to jail for a few days instead, it was better payed than my boss (McD ) used to pay me then.

He'd never have to worry even if he was in prison. Even the worst offenders have some small degree of taste.

I was rejected by my own cat that way once. It had been her way of telling a few cats to Gitfo from her room.

The day before I was to transfer from D Wing to A Wing a "friend" named Bones came up to me and asked if I would like a Sealy Mattress. I laughed but sure enough Bones had in his cell A BRAND NEW SEALY POSTERPEADIC MATTRESS!!!!!! What???? How ????? Well, in prison you don't ask questions. I knew there was a Mattress factory in the prison. But convicts could only have "submarine mattresses". These are mattresses that are used on submarines. Very thin (about 3" thick).
I asked Bones... How much did he want for that mattress? He said One carton of cigarettes. Expensive... but certainly worth it.
What I didn't know was I was being played. 3 mattresses had come up missing in the factory and now the whole prison was being searched wing by wing. 2 had been found but they couldn't find the 3rd one. Bones knew he'd be in serious trouble if caught with it, so he played me and got a carton of cigs out of me to boot.

I believe we've all heard God watches over children and fools. Needless to say... I was no child. The next thing I knew I was getting a call... My transfer to A wing was approved and for me to get a rolling cart (like you see at Home Depo) and put all your stuff on it with this transfer paperwork and go to A Wing immediately, before head count as my name & number 4480755 are now associated with A Wing. You could be listed as an escapee if you are NOT where you are supposed to be at head count. That my friends is an additional 5 years. I got a cart, loaded the Sealy mattress covered with sheets and blanket and all my personal stuff on top. As I said my good byes I made my way to A Wing with my transfer pass. As I was going through the halls I saw what looked like S.W.A.T. storm troopers heading to D Wing. Little did I know they were looking for the 3rd mattress. They had already thouroughly searched A,B & C Wings. In my ignorance I pushed right past them and went to my new cell in A Wing where my new cell mate was an older guy who owned a bunch of Snelling and Snelling agencies (an employment firm) who didn't pay in taxes or some other federal reason (I actually forget). I began fixing up my side of the cell and all the mob bosses and cartels and bankers and everyone... saw I had a brand new Sealy mattress. Ahhhhhhhh.

mustang is definitely a writer. Barns and Noble is calling

I used to save prisoners too.

I resemble that remark!

LOL... I've known Merc longer than two of my marriages.

One thing they make you do in Federal Prison is take an IQ test to evaluate your intelligence. The test is 4 hours long. I (and another guy) finished it in an hour. The clerk handing out the tests in the education dept was a convicted lawyer that I had become friends with.
Later that day he asked me 'What did you do, just color in the circles?' (It was multiple choice).
I said 'No, I did the test' He said he would check my score. A few days later two suits from the government showed up with my file and they began to interrogate me about the test. Questions like... 'Did I have the answers... How could I have completed it in such a short time'...etc., etc.
I shrugged and said I just did the test. I did acknowledge on the math part that I didn't do all the equations as I could pretty much discern what the correct answers would be by any incorrect answers listed in the multiple choice.
They said "So you guessed"
I said "Yeah, I guess you could say that." With that they closed my file, got up and began to leave my cell. I remember saying "Yeah, but they were intelligent guesses" . They left and I never heard anything else.
I suspect they were from sort of alphabet agency considering my score and the 'crime' I had committed in the first place, as well as my family name.
Eventually I saw my convict lawyer friend out on the yard and explained the strange visitation by the feds and their questions to him. I asked him if he knew anything about it. He said 'No' but did add that I scored scary high on the test. I never took an I.Q test before so it was rather strange for a score to be 'scary high'.
"How high is scary high?" I asked.
"Higher than Einstein" he replied.
Ahhhh. That explained the alphabet suits visiting. And their pushiness that I must've cheated or guessed.
Since then I have found out that an IQ test is an Intelligence Quotient test, generally describing a score on a test that rates the subject's cognitive ability NOT actual smarts. But it is what the government looks for in certain recruitment procedures.

A few days after the IQ test, I was (t)asked to work in the education department helping convicts get their G.E.D. It was a good job as far as prison jobs go. A job that commanded respect, but I just didn't like it. Why? Because the job was inside the prison walls. There were too many jobs to be had outside of the prison walls.
Bones ( who was in for drugs) said he could get me a job in the food warehouse driving a forklift since I wasn't a flight risk or considered dangerous. Prison is like a small city. While still on prison grounds the warehouse was inside the electrified fence but outside the actual prison walls. I accepted and then thought about it. Why would Bones want to help me?
Figuring Bones had a reason other than being friendly I decided to tell Bones... I'll work in the warehouse but I won't mule food out for you. Mule-ing out food would be smuggling a frozen pie or any food (frozen chickens etc) out in your clothes. Once back in your wing that food would go for BIG BUCKS or trades from the inmates.
Imagine eating a Key Lime or Pecan pie ( meant for administration) when as an inmate everything has been denied you for years. If caught smuggling food one would receive 90 days in the hole (solitary).
After I told Bones that I wouldn't be interested; I'm sure in hindsight, was the reason why months later he would pull the mattress scam on me, all the while knowing the guards had the entire prison on shakedown.
In prison EVERYONE has an angle. I never held it against Bones. I actually liked Bones. I couldn't blame him for looking out for himself. Just remember... If someone wants to be your friend in prison, do so cautiously. After I was released I found out Bones got another year. They found drugs in his cell.

I did have two friends I could count on. "Buddy" the aforementioned race car driver caught with 20 keys of cocaine, and "Shad" a Brinks Security Guard who one day... decided to quit his job, but not before helping himself. They worked in 'landscaping and construction' , so I put in to work there and it was pretty much physical labor for any project around the prison. I put up 18 foot (6 meters) high fences topped with razor wire around the visitors parking, dug ditches, even planted a hedge of roses at the visitors entrance. Most was grunt work but I loved it. I was outside with the sun on my face, while working hard I built up my core strength, as prior to prison I was a … whoops... (almost) uh, let's say an executive. Lots of desk work.

But now I had built myself up by hard work and lifting weights in the yard. I remember not being able to touch my shoulders because my muscles were in the way. That said, I was small compared to some guys. There were guys in there that could bench press a Volkswagen. Who's arms were bigger than my legs. Never-the-less I was pretty pumped too and I was feeling good about myself.
Someone whom I worked with for 11 years came to visit me one Saturday, and didn't recognize me when I came into the visitor's room. Not only had my physical appearance changed but the air around me and how I carried myself changed.
I got off the booze and pot. I even quit cigarettes. I was eating healthy, working out and for the first time I had zero responsibilities. No house note, no bills, no car notes, no insurance....and no worries. In that sense prison was liberating for me. All I had to do was work on was myself. And I was determined to make prison a positive experience.

That was ...until I got shanked.

Wasn't stupid enough to ever get myself in trouble.

After Dave went home the "A Wing" guys prevented anyone else from being in my cell via delaying the vacancy paperwork. In other words in an over crowded prison system I had a cell to myself. Completely unheard of. Those 1 cent stamps really paid off. Life was good.
I was assigned as a "handyman/landscaper" to a Captains home. Many of the upper prison staff had homes on the prison grounds. This allowed me to go beyond the electrified fence and even drive a prison truck. I was basically a trustee at this point (again those 1 cent stamps paid off) . I managed to get Buddy and Shad on with me ( cashing in on even more of those favors) and they had the houses next to mine. This got us all outside in the fresh air.
Basically our jobs were to keep those houses in tip top shape. We mowed the yard, edged the sidewalk, raked leaves, painted, did any kind of carpentry work that was needed. We often talked with the wives and children. We weren't hardened criminals. Just a few guys who for whatever motivation made mistakes or transgressed the law. Race car driving was very expensive. Buddy imported cocaine to pay his dues. Shad's family was drowning in debt. Not making excuses... We all did wrong, but we weren't evil men.
Most prisoners would do their work half heartedly, but Buddy and Shad and I really got into it. We pretended these houses were our homes and we made them SHINE! The Captains were so impressed they complimented our C.O on the fine job, which made our CO look good to his superiors and he liked that and pretty much left us alone and if anyone (other CO's) gave us crap... to tell him.
One fall day as Buddy, Shad and I were raking leaves and placing them in large plastic bags... who would drive up? CO Sessions in the Electrical truck filled with his merry band of skinheads.
Sessions stopped the truck and leaned out his window and said "Hey Jesus! We're gonna get you Jesus!
I walked up to the truck and acted humble, hat in hand looking down and said "Boss, call me whatever name you like... But please don't run over our bagged leaves... We been working all day on them." The leaves were in large black plastic bags lined neatly along the side of the street until they would be picked up later that day.
The skin heads smirked and I could see that the idea that I had just implanted in Session's brain took hold.
"Yeah, whatever" Sessions said as he sped away. His cronies pointing their fingers like a gun at me.
Just then Buddy said "Why did you tell him that? You know he's now going to do it."
"That's what I'm counting on! Grab your bags and place them with mine around this fire hydrant"
To be continued....