nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away it sets off so many alarm bells for me- mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.
last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months. he had kids and so did i- i was so grateful i did it that way, as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible
i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately, as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok) if kids suffer much loss-it damages them. and much is different for every kid.
i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot, 'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them to be flexible-that things change and its ok'
well, i feel differently now, having adult children who have shared with me...
nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away it sets off so many alarm bells for me- mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.
last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months. he had kids and so did i- i was so grateful i did it that way, as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible
i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately, as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok) if kids suffer much loss-it damages them. and much is different for every kid.
i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot, 'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them to be flexible-that things change and its ok'
well, i feel differently now, having adult children who have shared with me...
mindfful: wondering what people think on this issue
nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away it sets off so many alarm bells for me- mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.
last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months. he had kids and so did i- i was so grateful i did it that way, as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible
i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately, as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok) if kids suffer much loss-it damages them. and much is different for every kid.
i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot, 'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them to be flexible-that things change and its ok'
well, i feel differently now, having adult children who have shared with me...
whats your opinion?
I can't really put a time frame on it...I do know not too soon though until the kids have got to know the person extremely well and are comfortable with him and with the idea of someone else moving in...They would have a say in it too....My kids are 16....
i cant believe you ran in here to say something stoopid
oh wait yes i can
HAHA you know goose too well.....
Goose thinks that there should be a substanial waiting period for a move in. Kids (especially minors) tend to get attached rather quickly, and if two people move in too quickly and the relationship goes sour, the kids get hurt more than the parents alot of the time. (speaking from experience)
Hugz_n_Kissez: I can't really put a time frame on it...I do know not too soon though until the kids have got to know the person extremely well and are comfortable with him and with the idea of someone else moving in...They would have a say in it too....My kids are 16....
i agree no puzzle magically goes together in a blink of an eye whether it be a 5 piece or 5000 piece
and i dont think age or how reasonable the child seems about it matters
i get peeved when people wanna take a kids' word for how they feel about something if its the answer the adult wants to hear and at other times say you dont know-youre just a kid
we have all done it im sure...
but really, developmentally, kids arent able to 'take care of themselves' emotionally and express their feelings separate from what the parent wants. thats a fact. helloooo? it is identified later as peer pressure? same dynamic. some adults cant even identify their feelings beyond a partners- its a learned skill-and up to a parent to help develop it. sadly we accidentally take advantage of it...
mindfful: i agree no puzzle magically goes together in a blink of an eye whether it be a 5 piece or 5000 piece
and i dont think age or how reasonable the child seems about it matters
i get peeved when people wanna take a kids' word for how they feel about something if its the answer the adult wants to hear and at other times say you dont know-youre just a kid
we have all done it im sure...
but really, developmentally, kids arent able to 'take care of themselves' emotionally and express their feelings separate from what the parent wants. thats a fact. helloooo? it is identified later as peer pressure? same dynamic. some adults cant even identify their feelings beyond a partners- its a learned skill-and up to a parent to help develop it. sadly we accidentally take advantage of it...
True...Not to mention...if I don't know him well...How are my kids going to...So I would have to say it would be a substantial time frame...Getting to really know someone is not a short process...
Goose thinks that there should be a substanial waiting period for a move in. Kids (especially minors) tend to get attached rather quickly, and if two people move in too quickly and the relationship goes sour, the kids get hurt more than the parents alot of the time. (speaking from experience)
mindfful: so this means our courtship is over then?
or we will be waiting 4 years until my kid is gone?hit your buzzers
NOW
My dear lady, "courtship" and merging households are 2 different things. I would "always" be willing to court you, we have traveled some of the same roads..
thegreeneyedbratRidgecrest/China Lake, California USA261 posts
mindfful: wondering what people think on this issue
nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away it sets off so many alarm bells for me- mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.
last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months. he had kids and so did i- i was so grateful i did it that way, as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible
i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately, as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok) if kids suffer much loss-it damages them. and much is different for every kid.
i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot, 'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them to be flexible-that things change and its ok'
well, i feel differently now, having adult children who have shared with me...
whats your opinion?
Kids are adaptible, resilient and flexible... but the damage is irreversabel... kids adapt to "normal things".... every day things, but life altering things are much more different.
I wouldn't consider anything other than an introduction for at least the first 6 mo.... then getting them use to each other another 6 mo... then start "camping" trips or other activities that include everyone together for extended times...
ClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK15,888 posts
Oo I think as much contact as possible... AFTER.. you are 100% sure you want to introduce them to your kids.. yanno that it might be going further.
My kids have never known an uncle..
I have had brief BFs my children have never even known about. Because I didn't want them too.. things like that screw with little minds IMO... I've kept my kids well away from any 'dates' etc.. they know narrrr-thing.
I think if you plan to take it a little further.. (when you are 100% sure yourself).. then you need to eeeease them into introducing them gradually.. and THEN.. if you were planning to take it further still.. then I think as much contact as possible... Lonnngg before it goes further (again).. just so you can all see where the land lays. ..and how everyone feels about it before you make an actual move.
Kids can reeally get messed up over things like that.. they are not the resilient little things we often think. IMO.
My kids have been throo A LOT... so I'm super cagey with their feelings... and I know from a past mistake.. how attached they got to someone I introduced them to too soon.. and when he and I didn't want it to go further.. my kids were distraught.
seems ive heard experience is the best teacher but i did this more than once when i was young and people do it all the time, repeatedly it just sucks...
thegreeneyedbrat: Kids are adaptible, resilient and flexible... but the damage is irreversabel... kids adapt to "normal things".... every day things, but life altering things are much more different.
I wouldn't consider anything other than an introduction for at least the first 6 mo.... then getting them use to each other another 6 mo... then start "camping" trips or other activities that include everyone together for extended times...
seems ive heard experience is the best teacher but i did this more than once when i was young and people do it all the time, repeatedly it just sucks...
A very, very, very dear man, one that I love and respect once told me, "Patrick, when it comes to a woman & her children, a man will always suck hind tit".. Charles & Matie have been married as long as I have been alive, they have 4 children. Charlie tells me that applies to him also.
I am way to old to be daddy again, although I could & would be their friend if they were adults. Young children would have to be out, it would not be fair to the kids or to me..
ClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK15,888 posts
HJFinAZ: A very, very, very dear man, one that I love and respect once told me, "Patrick, when it comes to a woman & her children, a man will always suck hind tit".. Charles & Matie have been married as long as I have been alive, they have 4 children. Charlie tells me that applies to him also.
I am way to old to be daddy again, although I could & would be their friend if they were adults. Young children would have to be out, it would not be fair to the kids or to me..
I agree... (funny expression hahah)... but I do think its parent & their child
ClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK15,888 posts
HJFinAZ: Ok ladies, I ask a very important question..
Who's welfare, saftey comes first??
I say it is that of the children, they did not ask to be where they are...
And in this old man's opinion, I see a few pretty damn good mom's on here....
My kids would come before anything and anyone. Even at the expense of my own happiness... if I met the love of my life.. and my kids couldn't stand him.. then I would end it.
HJFinAZ: Ok ladies, I ask a very important question..
Who's welfare, saftey comes first??
I say it is that of the children, they did not ask to be where they are...
And in this old man's opinion, I see a few pretty damn good mom's on here....
this was some of my point that a man that WOULD rush in has an ego problem an insecurity problem a maturity problem and is not fit to be 'head' of the household.
i want a MAN that can steer and take care of the families needs in an appropriate way-as an adult sometimes that means putting off your own happiness, for the good of a child. thats responsible behavior.
claayer i doubt that any guy would wait 4 years for me but that doesnt mean im not worth it
Report threads that break rules, are offensive, or contain fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. click to report forum abuse »
minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?(Vote Below)
nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away
it sets off so many alarm bells for me-
mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.
last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way
we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months.
he had kids and so did i-
i was so grateful i did it that way,
as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible
i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately,
as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad
on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok)
if kids suffer much loss-it damages them.
and much is different for every kid.
i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot,
'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them
to be flexible-that things change and its ok'
well, i feel differently now,
having adult children who have shared with me...
whats your opinion?