minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households? ( Archived) (96)

Feb 23, 2008 8:07 PM CSTminor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois, USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts

minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?(Vote Below)

- (To Vote: select an option above, then press this button)
3 months in regular physical contact w/ the kids
24
39%
2 wks
1
2%
one sunday
4
6%
few phones, pics and a visit
2
3%
-we know best for kids
9
15%
if we are happy theyll be happy
22
35%
Total Votes
62
wondering what people think on this issue

nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away
it sets off so many alarm bells for me-
mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.

last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way
we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months.
he had kids and so did i-
i was so grateful i did it that way,
as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible

i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately,
as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad
on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok)
if kids suffer much loss-it damages them.
and much is different for every kid.

i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot,
'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them
to be flexible-that things change and its ok'

well, i feel differently now,
having adult children who have shared with me...

whats your opinion?
------ This thread is Archived ------
Feb 23, 2008 8:07 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
wondering what people think on this issue

nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away
it sets off so many alarm bells for me-
mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.

last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way
we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months.
he had kids and so did i-
i was so grateful i did it that way,
as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible

i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately,
as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad
on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok)
if kids suffer much loss-it damages them.
and much is different for every kid.

i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot,
'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them
to be flexible-that things change and its ok'

well, i feel differently now,
having adult children who have shared with me...

whats your opinion?
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Feb 23, 2008 8:09 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
j_goose
j_goosej_goosenorthfield, Ohio USA49 Threads 3 Polls 1,239 Posts
I told you we should wait a few weeks.....
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Feb 23, 2008 8:10 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Hugz_n_Kissez
Hugz_n_KissezHugz_n_KissezSomeplace, Ontario Canada59 Threads 2 Polls 25,438 Posts
mindfful: wondering what people think on this issue

nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away
it sets off so many alarm bells for me-
mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.

last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way
we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months.
he had kids and so did i-
i was so grateful i did it that way,
as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible

i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately,
as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad
on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok)
if kids suffer much loss-it damages them.
and much is different for every kid.

i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot,
'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them
to be flexible-that things change and its ok'

well, i feel differently now,
having adult children who have shared with me...

whats your opinion?


I can't really put a time frame on it...I do know not too soon though until the kids have got to know the person extremely well and are comfortable with him and with the idea of someone else moving in...They would have a say in it too....My kids are 16....conversing conversing
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Feb 23, 2008 8:10 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
you idiot

i cant believe you ran in here to say something stoopid

oh waitshock
yes i can


wave
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Feb 23, 2008 8:11 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
gentlepaws
gentlepawsgentlepawsAny town, Ontario Canada1,019 Threads 13 Polls 9,583 Posts
A child will always internalize change as "Their doing".
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Feb 23, 2008 8:13 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
j_goose
j_goosej_goosenorthfield, Ohio USA49 Threads 3 Polls 1,239 Posts
mindfful: you idiot

i cant believe you ran in here to say something stoopid

oh wait
yes i can



HAHA you know goose too well.....

Goose thinks that there should be a substanial waiting period for a move in. Kids (especially minors) tend to get attached rather quickly, and if two people move in too quickly and the relationship goes sour, the kids get hurt more than the parents alot of the time. (speaking from experience)
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Feb 23, 2008 8:14 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
sigh No "NEVER" option... My kids are raised and gone..peace
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Feb 23, 2008 8:15 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
Hugz_n_Kissez: I can't really put a time frame on it...I do know not too soon though until the kids have got to know the person extremely well and are comfortable with him and with the idea of someone else moving in...They would have a say in it too....My kids are 16....


i agree
no puzzle magically goes together in a blink of an eye
whether it be a 5 piece or 5000 piece

and i dont think age or how reasonable
the child seems about it matters

i get peeved when people wanna take a kids' word for how they feel about something if its the answer the adult wants to hear
and at other times say you dont know-youre just a kid

we have all done it im sure...

but really, developmentally, kids arent able to 'take care of themselves' emotionally and express their feelings
separate from what the parent wants. thats a fact.
helloooo? it is identified later as peer pressure? same dynamic.
some adults cant even identify their feelings beyond a partners-
its a learned skill-and up to a parent to help develop it.
sadly we accidentally take advantage of it...
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Feb 23, 2008 8:18 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
gentlepaws: A child will always internalize change as "Their doing".


uh yeah-
thats what i meant
laugh

_______________________

HJ you can still speak to the issue??
or not
wink

____________________________
poor goosecomfort
what was good for you was not good for the goslings?
(ive been waiting to use that word since you showed up)

HA!grin
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Feb 23, 2008 8:19 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Hugz_n_Kissez
Hugz_n_KissezHugz_n_KissezSomeplace, Ontario Canada59 Threads 2 Polls 25,438 Posts
mindfful: i agree
no puzzle magically goes together in a blink of an eye
whether it be a 5 piece or 5000 piece

and i dont think age or how reasonable
the child seems about it matters

i get peeved when people wanna take a kids' word for how they feel about something if its the answer the adult wants to hear
and at other times say you dont know-youre just a kid

we have all done it im sure...

but really, developmentally, kids arent able to 'take care of themselves' emotionally and express their feelings
separate from what the parent wants. thats a fact.
helloooo? it is identified later as peer pressure? same dynamic.
some adults cant even identify their feelings beyond a partners-
its a learned skill-and up to a parent to help develop it.
sadly we accidentally take advantage of it...


True...Not to mention...if I don't know him well...How are my kids going to...So I would have to say it would be a substantial time frame...Getting to really know someone is not a short process...wine
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Feb 23, 2008 8:19 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
I cannot spoeak to the issue. I have been there, done that and ain't doin it again...applause



hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:19 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
HJFinAZ: No "NEVER" option... My kids are raised and gone..


so this means our courtship is over then?

or we will be waiting 4 years until my kid is gone?


hit your buzzers







NOW
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Feb 23, 2008 8:20 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
HJFinAZ: I cannot spoeak to the issue. I have been there, done that and ain't doin it again...


well you just said it all my friend

doh
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Feb 23, 2008 8:21 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
dcj22
dcj22dcj22Somewhere, Tennessee USA102 Threads 3 Polls 11,581 Posts
j_goose: HAHA you know goose too well.....

Goose thinks that there should be a substanial waiting period for a move in. Kids (especially minors) tend to get attached rather quickly, and if two people move in too quickly and the relationship goes sour, the kids get hurt more than the parents alot of the time. (speaking from experience)



Dana agrees with Goose. thumbs up
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Feb 23, 2008 8:23 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
mindfful: so this means our courtship is over then?

or we will be waiting 4 years until my kid is gone?hit your buzzers

NOW


My dear lady, "courtship" and merging households are 2 different things. I would "always" be willing to court you, we have traveled some of the same roads..hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:23 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
thegreeneyedbrat
thegreeneyedbratthegreeneyedbratRidgecrest/China Lake, California USA14 Threads 2 Polls 261 Posts
mindfful: wondering what people think on this issue

nowadays if a guy is willing to move in right away
it sets off so many alarm bells for me-
mostly that he doesnt have a maturity to put a childs needs first.

last time i got in a relationship that may have ended up that way
we lived in the same town but separately for 6 months.
he had kids and so did i-
i was so grateful i did it that way,
as it turned out on some very deep levels, we were incompatible

i have seen/caused so much devastation, (not immediately,
as kids want to show a good face so mommy/daddy isnt more sad
on top of their relationship ending-kids act like its ok)
if kids suffer much loss-it damages them.
and much is different for every kid.

i didnt think so when i was younger-i thot,
'oh kids are adaptible-they are resilient, i should teach them
to be flexible-that things change and its ok'

well, i feel differently now,
having adult children who have shared with me...

whats your opinion?


Kids are adaptible, resilient and flexible... but the damage is irreversabel...
kids adapt to "normal things".... every day things, but life altering things are much more different.

I wouldn't consider anything other than an introduction for at least the first 6 mo.... then getting them use to each other another 6 mo... then start "camping" trips or other activities that include everyone together for extended times...
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Feb 23, 2008 8:24 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Claayer
ClaayerClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK107 Threads 9 Polls 15,888 Posts
Oo I think as much contact as possible... AFTER.. you are 100% sure you want to introduce them to your kids.. yanno that it might be going further.

My kids have never known an uncle..

I have had brief BFs my children have never even known about. Because I didn't want them too.. things like that screw with little minds IMO... I've kept my kids well away from any 'dates' etc.. they know narrrr-thing.

I think if you plan to take it a little further.. (when you are 100% sure yourself).. then you need to eeeease them into introducing them gradually.. and THEN.. if you were planning to take it further still.. then I think as much contact as possible... Lonnngg before it goes further (again).. just so you can all see where the land lays. ..and how everyone feels about it before you make an actual move.

Kids can reeally get messed up over things like that.. they are not the resilient little things we often think. IMO.

My kids have been throo A LOT... so I'm super cagey with their feelings... and I know from a past mistake.. how attached they got to someone I introduced them to too soon.. and when he and I didn't want it to go further.. my kids were distraught.

anyway.. its late.. and I'm waffling... roll eyes roll eyes

Howdy MF wave hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:24 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
hey D

seems ive heard experience is the best teacher
but i did this more than once when i was young
and people do it all the time, repeatedly
it just sucks...

moping
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Feb 23, 2008 8:28 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
j_goose
j_goosej_goosenorthfield, Ohio USA49 Threads 3 Polls 1,239 Posts
thegreeneyedbrat: Kids are adaptible, resilient and flexible... but the damage is irreversabel...
kids adapt to "normal things".... every day things, but life altering things are much more different.

I wouldn't consider anything other than an introduction for at least the first 6 mo.... then getting them use to each other another 6 mo... then start "camping" trips or other activities that include everyone together for extended times...


Hey green eyed brat...how ya feeling today???
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Feb 23, 2008 8:28 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
j_goose
j_goosej_goosenorthfield, Ohio USA49 Threads 3 Polls 1,239 Posts
dcj22: Dana agrees with Goose.


Uh only Goose shall speak in third person, thank you.......:)
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Feb 23, 2008 8:30 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
mindfful: hey D

seems ive heard experience is the best teacher
but i did this more than once when i was young
and people do it all the time, repeatedly
it just sucks...


A very, very, very dear man, one that I love and respect once told me, "Patrick, when it comes to a woman & her children, a man will always suck hind tit".. Charles & Matie have been married as long as I have been alive, they have 4 children. Charlie tells me that applies to him also.

I am way to old to be daddy again, although I could & would be their friend if they were adults. Young children would have to be out, it would not be fair to the kids or to me..

wink


hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:36 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
HJ
cant we get a sidecar?

applause
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Feb 23, 2008 8:39 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
Ok ladies, I ask a very important question..

Who's welfare, saftey comes first??

I say it is that of the children, they did not ask to be where they are...dunno

And in this old man's opinion, I see a few pretty damn good mom's on here....




thumbs up



hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:40 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Claayer
ClaayerClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK107 Threads 9 Polls 15,888 Posts
HJFinAZ: A very, very, very dear man, one that I love and respect once told me, "Patrick, when it comes to a woman & her children, a man will always suck hind tit".. Charles & Matie have been married as long as I have been alive, they have 4 children. Charlie tells me that applies to him also.

I am way to old to be daddy again, although I could & would be their friend if they were adults. Young children would have to be out, it would not be fair to the kids or to me..


I agree... (funny expression hahah)... but I do think its parent & their child
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Feb 23, 2008 8:43 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
Claayer: I agree... (funny expression hahah)... but I do think its parent & their child


But what if there is only one parent?????? Come on now, how often do we see this in today's world?






hug
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Feb 23, 2008 8:46 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Claayer
ClaayerClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK107 Threads 9 Polls 15,888 Posts
HJFinAZ: Ok ladies, I ask a very important question..

Who's welfare, saftey comes first??

I say it is that of the children, they did not ask to be where they are...

And in this old man's opinion, I see a few pretty damn good mom's on here....


My kids would come before anything and anyone. Even at the expense of my own happiness... if I met the love of my life.. and my kids couldn't stand him.. then I would end it.
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Feb 23, 2008 8:50 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
HJFinAZ: Ok ladies, I ask a very important question..

Who's welfare, saftey comes first??

I say it is that of the children, they did not ask to be where they are...

And in this old man's opinion, I see a few pretty damn good mom's on here....


this was some of my point
that a man that WOULD rush in
has an ego problem
an insecurity problem
a maturity problem
and is not fit to be 'head' of the household.

i want a MAN that can steer and take care of the families needs
in an appropriate way-as an adult sometimes that means
putting off your own happiness, for the good of a child.
thats responsible behavior.


claayer i doubt that any guy would wait 4 years for me
but that doesnt mean im not worth it
rolling on the floor laughing
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Feb 23, 2008 8:50 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Claayer
ClaayerClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK107 Threads 9 Polls 15,888 Posts
HJFinAZ: But what if there is only one parent?????? Come on now, how often do we see this in today's world?


No that's what I mean... a single mum or dad puts their kids before anyone.. (i think.. well they SHOULD lol)
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Feb 23, 2008 8:52 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA235 Threads 8 Polls 18,996 Posts
is this a hot issue?
only 4 votes?
or maybe its not well placed-being a saturday night and all

maybe i should do a poll on THAT question

blushing
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Feb 23, 2008 8:53 PM CST minor children involved? appropriate time to blend households?
Claayer
ClaayerClaayerWild Wild South West, Cornwall, England UK107 Threads 9 Polls 15,888 Posts
mindfful: is this a hot issue?
only 4 votes?
or maybe its not well placed-being a saturday night and all

maybe i should do a poll on THAT question


I think its just timing at the moment..

if you boot this back up tomorrow in daylight hours.. im sure it will get loooooads response.
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Message #318

Stats for this Poll

62 Votes
2,689 Views
96 Comments
by mindfful (8 Polls)
Created: Feb 2008
Last Viewed: Mar 26
Last Commented: Mar 2008
Last Voted: Jul 2017

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