The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)

RE: Do you lough if you see someone fall down while walking.

Sure I'll laugh. Mostly because I can't help thinking of what my best friend said once when 'I' fell; "Don't cuss me because I laughed - I know you damn near broke your leg, but you'd have laughed too if you'd seen the look on your face!"

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Yeah... Haven't talked to him in probably 20 years, but we ate some of the same dirt when we were both younger and dumber.

He used to be a mean drunk and I was really glad to hear that he'd quit. (The "Scotch" in his glass when he's on stage is really apple juice.)

He's a pretty decent guy (when he's not drinking) and I'm really happy for his success - used to be he'd screw up every joke he tried to tell because he'd give the punch line away before he got the joke told - personally I never really cared all that much for spotlights...

RE: Why people here just for FUN???

I felt sorry for myself once - But then I realized how foolish that was because I'm so gawd-damn wonderful - Now I feel sorry for all those who've never had the chance to bask in the glow of my perfection!


(And anyone who believes that can call me - I've got some swampland in Northwest Kansas I'll sell ya'!)


...Even when I wasn't "on here just for fun" (before I met the lovely Jackson) I was STILL on here just for fun...

RE: How High Is Your Self Esteem!!

Modest

Your self esteem is about half and half. You notice that some things you do are pretty cool, but in general, you look up to other people. You don't feel special and other people can make you feel like dirt- sometimes. Don't let yourself fall ANY lower!! Be yourself and don't be afraid to- once you do, your light will shine and people will see how truly awesome you are!

Yeah, I guess so...

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Glad to be of service!

(Now you can explain to your neighbors that you were getting serviced by a guy from Kansas who lives in Tennessee. )

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

One more and then I'll let you have your thread back.

Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.

A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Or....


Who won the Belgian beauty contest?


























Nobody...

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Alright try this one:

Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?


























Cause their balls show...

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Or...

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain’t," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Joe."

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Maybe this'll help:


Cohen and Levy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Cohen,” asked Levy, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”

I don’t know,” Levy replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

“I do not know sir, I ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Levy asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Cohen said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Levy asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Hey Stooie...

Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)










After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

Glad to help, Anna -

I suppose you heard about Mr. Sam?


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

RE: I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect....

...And then there was the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart...



And the six year old that went crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."


Or... What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

RE: I'm getting indecent proposals here

Yep, ain't nothin' that'll bring the wimmen quicker than wearin' a coyote on your head!

RE: I'm getting indecent proposals here

Welcome to my world - tough cross to bear, isn't it?!!

RE: What color are you wearing today/tonight?

Beat-up brown cowboy boots, white socks, blue jeans, black T-shirt, tan jacket, tan ball cap. Have no idea what color my underwear is and I'm not gonna' look - I put it on in the dark this morning and didn't anticipate a CS fashion show - all that really matters is that it fits.

RE: name 3 things

My lovely wife.

The corner of Heaven where we live.

The Pork Tenderloin marinated in Draft Cider that I just roasted to perfection over mesquite coals in the smoker grill!

RE: how many people have fell in love with another person on this site?

ME! Me Me Me Me MEEE!

Not only that, but I was lucky enough to talk her into marryin' me!

Yep, it's true! I'm the luckiest S.O.B. on the face of the earth!

RE: Who would you like to be with in an island where there were nobody else?

Ah! Got it now!

No brainer here - It'd be my lovely wife, of course!

Nothin' we can't handle together!

RE: Who would you like to be with in an island where there were nobody else?

"Who would you like to be with in an island where there were nobody else?"

If there were nobody else, how could we be with anyone?

Somethin' Tells Me That it's Gonna' be One of Those Days...

Will do! And thanks! (Yer lookin' a bit pale, yerself!)

Anybody we know? Wait - don't answer that 'til I get a better signal or we get a new monitor for Jackie. Back to my honey-do's - I'll check back in later.

RE: Walmart Is Reporting.....

Ahhh! What they should have taught you was to never point a gun at anything you don't intend to shoot!

Somethin' Tells Me That it's Gonna' be One of Those Days...

Went out to the storage building a little while ago to install a new carborundum belt on the sander for the purpose of sharpening my axe and mattock... Couldn't get the damn sander to work. Called Jackson on the cell to have her check the breakers (saving me a trip back inside) and she didn't answer - because she was outside hanging clothes on the clothesline.

Came all the way back inside, checked all breakers and, finding none blown, thrown or otherwise out of whack, walked back out to the storage shed and discovered that I'd grabbed the wrong cord and plugged in the table saw instead of the sander.

Corrected that problem and sharpened the aforementioned implements and proceeded to the edge of the garden for the purpose of clearing out brush and saplings (this will be my "physical therapy" to get back into shape after surgery). Started chopping and felt a slight "stinging sensation" on my stomach. Thinking my T-shirt had "grabbed a hair," I reached down and tugged at shirt and jacket to "free up" said hair whereupon the stinging sensation intensified to white hot fire status. With some trepidation, I unbuttoned my jacket and discovered what I was afraid of - A yellowjacket had somehow gotten inside my jacket and stung hell out of me just above my navel.

I'm thinking maybe I should delay the start of my "therapy" until tomorrow...

RE: Walmart Is Reporting.....

FWIW, where I was raised "gun control" means being able to hit what you shoot at.

RE: Walmart Is Reporting.....

I can't speak for Zee, but I'll answer for myself:

I hunt as a way of life and as a supplementary source of food for my family. And yes, I have also supplemented my income through my hunting, though - except for a two year period when I was much younger - it's never been my primary source of income.

RE: Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin/Who ever

Precisely my point Bob.

RE: Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin/Who ever

"Duuuuuude as a Reporter"


A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl’s screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer: ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’

‘Why, it was nothing,’ said the man. ‘Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.’

‘I noticed a bible in your pocket. Are you a Republican,’ asked the journalist.

‘Yes, and I’m a Christian on my way to a bible study,’ the man replies.

‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed… I’m a journalist, my name is "Duuuuuuude" and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page: “Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.“

RE: Has anyone stopped and thought to think.......

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your ax?"

"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."

"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe.

"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my ax, one excuse is as good as another."

RE: Just thought I would pop in & say Hi ya'll

Howdy neighbor!

Almost ready for that canoe ride to see the fall colors?

RE: Walmart Is Reporting.....

"Essy" bluebloods...