11. English really is the universal language. All alien life forms with enough intelligence to communicate will understand English.
12. When eating a meal, you must always leave one side of the table open, even if it means you have to cram the rest of the party together.
13. All school classes always start with the ring of the bell, and they all finish at the exact same time at the sound of the bell. School hallways are emptied and filled within a matter of seconds.
14. Undercover agents lead an interesting, yet predictable life. The bad guys just won’t let you do your job. Instead, they’ll be giving you the guilt trip of your life when you try to put them behind bars, and the leader will probably get away with or without your help. But on the other hand, you will hook up with a beautiful, innocent friend of the gang.
15. It’s perfectly normal, and makes perfect sense to order a drink in a bar, and then just leave.
16. Animals with a brain the size of a peanut are not as stupid as they may seem. Not only do they want to eat you, they also want personal revenge for lost family members and to humiliate you completely.
17. Bad things usually happen at night. Daylight is the ultimate solution to evil.
18. Children need to work on their credibility. They see and hear the darnest things, yet grown-ups never believe them.
19. Firearms are not to be mistaken for – although their capability and function may suggest otherwise – long-distance weapons. When threatening to shoot someone with a gun or a rifle, you must stand close enough for your opponent to be able to grab your weapon.
20. Rewinding or fast forwarding a video cassette or an answering machine makes fast, high-pitch sounds.
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
A blonde went to get her hair cut in a salon and when she arrived she specifically told the girl that was cutting her hair that she could not take off her ear phones for any reason at all.
But when the hair stylist started to cut her hair the ear phones were getting in the way, so the hair stylist moved the cords and the ear phones fell out of the blonde's ears.
And the blonde started to die!
The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to listen and heard, "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out...."
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item "Behavior modification reinforcers."
Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, "What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?"
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it costs?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That’s fine," said the girl. "I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write?"
The administrator said, "Yes we can"! Just fill out this form." _____________________________________________________________________________________
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!" _____________________________________________________________________________________
The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?"
The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow.
Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."
p_seg Forum Posts (4,497)
RE: What are you doing at the moment
I'm sitting in front of my PC (obviously), but should be preparing dinner!!So its better that I make a move, otherwise it will me a midnight meal and not dinner!