Nice Ones

Brother Wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Clause, 'Send me a Brother....'
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER....'

Meaning Of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!'

Importance of PERIOD
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of Period?'
Kid: 'Yah, once my sister said she has missed one, my Mom fainted, Dad got a Heart attack & our Driver ran away.'

Confident vs. Confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between Confident and Confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I am confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that is Confidential!.'

Anger Management
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your Toothbrush!'

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

item

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

print

RE: food fight!!!

well, at the moment I can't have chocolate, so its not a problem if you keep it for yourself!! wave

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

yeast

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

young

wave

RE: food fight!!!

melted chocolate!! tongue

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

emerald

Traffic Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Burglary Trial

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”

The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.

“They’re people just like you – your equals.”

“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

RE: Use the Letters of the Last word - game

liberty

RE: Mad Wife Disease

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RE: I wish...

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RE: $$$$Fast Dollars!

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RE: Computer Marraige Guidance

Bump!!

For those who liked the Installing Husband v1.0 joke!! grin

RE: A drunk is at the door..

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Installing Husband v1.0

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Premier league 5.0, Six nations 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed
Desperate
__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "HTTP: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Hope this works?!
Tech Support

RE: Computer Marraige Guidance

Nice one minimoo!!

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I've got the female version, I'll post it in another thread!

RE: Just to let Barnagie know he's not alone...

He seems to have had a sense of humour then!! wink

RE: Just to let Barnagie know he's not alone...

Nice one mate!! thumbs up

Btw, how did the boss take it?

RE: HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!!!!!!

Happy Canada Day!! party party hat balloons

Some jokes

Papa Bear tossed and turned, but could not fall asleep.

When his restlessness woke Mama Bear, she cried in exasperation, "How many times do I have to tell you? No coffee after September."
______________________________________________________________________________________

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
______________________________________________________________________________________

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

RE: Masquerade

Nice one GB!! thumbs up applause applause

RE: What song are you listening to,part deux?

Pink Floyd - When the Tigers Broke Free

RE: Don't shoot the messenger, this is just too funny!

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RE: On the Beach Meeting

Ok, so I'll keep a look out for the date.

wave

RE: On the Beach Meeting

Has the date been decided upon?

Depending on my work schedule, I might be able to attend.

RE: A work friend.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's demise. Its a pity that he did not talk about his problems, at least that would have eased his burden.

My sympathies to you and his family!!

comfort sad flower

The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you idiot.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Villager: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

RE: Top 10 Lists...

Though a bit long, there worth the time reading them Kansan!!

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This is a list of forum posts created by p_seg.

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