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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'
When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper, the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously
p_seg Forum Posts (4,497)
RE: World's worst intersections-traffic jams
I was only joking, I had already viewed the thread as you originally intended!!