01. Both take up too much space on the bed. 02. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 03. Both are threatened by their own kind. 04. Both like to chew wood. 05. Both mark their territory. 06. Both are bad at asking you questions. 07. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 08. Both tend to smell riper with age. 09. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 10. Neither does any dishes. 11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 12. Both like dominance games. 13. Both are suspicious of the postman. 14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. 15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
The Year 6 science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking children a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Head Teacher, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'
A maid wanted a pay increase. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now, Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (really furious now): "Did the Master say so as well?" Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time," he said. "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Notice to Employees (Includes Temporary and Part Time Staff)
SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' notes as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having any type of surgery will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program goes into effect immediately.
It seems that my previous post was taken as if I was against Americans posting in the Intl Forums.
Well, I'm sorry if my post was misunderstood. Everybody is free to post in the Intl forums, the Intl forum name covers the whole wide world.
The problem seems to be that for some reaseon, certain people are ready to pounce on other posters typos. Even thoough I'm referring to Irishlass post. I'm not implying that its her, far from it.
"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm laying golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
The thing is most Americans don't post in their own forums and most of these forums haven't seen a post for months (yes the site does has a forum for each and every US state), and treat the International one as their own.
What puts me off is when posters post their threads using SMS/cell text abbreviations, e.g. gr8, l8ter etc etc.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
As I was watching my 12 year old son putting a model car together and getting more frustrated by the minute until he was screaming.
I walked in the kitchen and calmly said “Tom, you know what they say about patience" and he looked up at me and said "I know Mom, patience is a VIRGIN".
I just smiled and said well yes you could say that too.
p_seg Forum Posts (4,497)
RE: 25 Things Women Should Know About Men: