Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up?' ”
The newlyweds were on their way to Dublin. The shy bride was a bit embarrassed they might seen as honeymooners. So when she and her husband pulled into the station, , she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
The Blood Donor An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery , but prior to the surgery , the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises . As the gentleman had a rare type of blood , it couldn't be found locally , so, the call went out . Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type . The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab .
After the surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars . A couple of days later , once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery . His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again . After the second surgery , the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates .
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated . He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again , that you would give me a BMW , diamonds & money , but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins ."
Just be yourself. Even when saying something nice, someone will take it the wrong way and be upset. Don't worry, there are some people on here who will give you what for if you say the wrong thing.... even if they are in the wrong...
Be warned there are one or two on here who will get their Irish up.
It's not easy to interpret everything, so take a deep breath, and relax.
Mama told me when I was young Come sit beside me, my only son And listen closely to what I say. And if you do this It'll help you some sunny day. Oh Yah! Oh, take your time... Don't live too fast, Troubles will come and they will pass. You'll find a woman, yea yea, you'll find love, And don't forget son, There is someone up above.
(Chorus) And be a simple, kind of man. Oh be something, you love and understand. Baby be a simple, kind of man. Oh, won't you do this for me son, If you can?
Forget your lust, for the rich man's gold All that you need, is in your soul, And you can do this, oh baby, if you try. All that I want for you my son, Is to be satisfied.
(Chorus)
Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself. Follow your heart, lord, and nothing else. And you can do this, oh baby, if you try. All that I want for you my son, Is to be satisfied.
(Chorus)
Baby be a simple, be a simple man. Oh be something, you love and understand. Baby be a simple, kind of man.
You are allowed to vent Kiddy. Please contact Healthlink and they can give you some information for Grief support. It really helps to have that support.
I wish you did not have to suffer the loss of your daughter. No parent should have to suffer a loss such at that. People shy away when a tragedy happens. There are many who understand how you feel. This is why a support group would help a lot. It's never easy to grieve, but it's how we cope and find some healing.
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What in hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"
Irish Virginity Test Kit Paddy, one of the little people is planning to marry, he is he is. So he goes to visit the king of the little people and asks him how he could tell if his Bride=to-be is still a virgin.
The king says, “Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish humans Use three things for what they call a Do-It-Yourself … Virginity Test Kit …
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel Paddy asks, “Aye and to be sure, what do I do with these things Oh King?”
The king of the fairies replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your Wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other one blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…! You hit her with the shovel.”
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a step forward (away from the lie) Allow your self to heal and move on.
Sounds easy, it takes wanting to move on and heal, find happiness in your self, love yourself, and forgive yourself. Don't waste your energy being angry at the other person, it's a waste that steals from your energy. If you stay angry at them, they are still in charge and you might be surprised they are not even wasting any thought or energy on you.
Move on, love yourself, take that first step for yourself. Allow yourself to heal and find happiness.
Where does it say a person HAS to get married. There are so many people that are true, and have a wonderful healthy relationship with out the benefit of a marriage certificate. I will speak for my uncle who has been with the same lady for 47 yrs. Never married, and they are both very happy.
A piece of paper does not make the relationship or make it work. It's the people involved.
A best friend is a valuable gift to have in a person's life. Better a best friend than none (JMO)
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The Taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. He told them "We have reached your destination."
The first drunk gave him money and the second drunk said "Thank you". The third drunk gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked and thought the third drunk knew what he did. He asked "What's that for?" The third drunk replied, "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!!" ...
Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal for St. Valentine’s Day and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home and no stops at the pub. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there."
Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs. Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"
Unfortunately you will get many messages from people from over seas. Some for scams, or green card. Everyone gets them. Just use your instincts. It also helps to (politely) let them know you are not interested and all else fails, block them. Good luck.
KHD100 Forum Posts (2,495)
Laugh of hte day