Yeah, I've had issues with some things you've said, but that's my problem.
Seeing as you haven't cottoned on yet, I'd rather you didn't demand certain behaviours, including respect, from me in public, or in private mail.
That's coersive respect and if I were to acquiesce, I wouldn't be true to myself.
The kind of respect I can offer you is recognising that you have your own story behind your behaviours, but because I find them manipulative and you're the only person on here in 12 years who I recall having been truly enraged with (it doesn't happen very often), I'd like you leave me alone.
All scenarios, according to many humanistic schools of thought, including Gestaltism.
One idea is that when we judge others, it's actually something inside of ourselves that is the problem. The more we judge, the less able we are to respect our own behaviour, the more our inner-self stews in it's own juice.
Say I'm the kind of person who squeezes the toothpaste tube from the bottom and neatly rolls it up, but I have a guest who squeezes it in the middle and dumps it lidless on the sink, oozing paste.
I may judge them as having a lower standard and berate them for it, or I may accept they do things differently from me.
It doesn't 'make' me angry (because no one can force me have an emotion), but I may feel anger. I can blame them for my angry feelings, or I can acknowledge I feel angry (mindfulness) and question what my problem is here.
It may be a need to control everything to reduce my own anxieties, poverty leading to toothpaste being a precious commodity, or the feeling that my guest is disrespecting me by not cleaning up after themselves, for example. All of those things are understandable and valid.
But what if my guest was yelled at and beaten black and blue as a child for the slightest spillage, or mess? What if middle-squeezing and dumping is an emotional rebellion, a joy and a part of their healing process? Would I, should, I judge them the same and still feel justifed in berating them harshly, or losing their friendship over a blob of toothpaste?
Will I lose more self-respect accepting they have their own ways, or reasons, or lose more self-respect for berating them, reminding them of their horrible childhood?
Self-respect is as key as other-respect when it comes to being healthy and powerful. We are most uncomfortable with others when we are most uncomfortable with ourselves.
When we are comfortable with ourselves, other people's choices are not a threat. We can still behave courteously and avoid trying to damage them back. We can walk away, especially if it's not important enough to hurt someone, or lose self-respect over.
It's because my grandchildren can read and comprehend now they're past their fourth birthdays and so have a better grip on reality: they get research, learning and debate techniques in a way that many people here don't.
Except for the little'un, but he's a non-verbal evil genius so he outstrips half the members here just in mime.
You bahstard, Sel. I've just wept inconsolably at a Dolly Parton song.
I wonder how my daughter remembers that now. I still remember the riches of making her things because I enjoyed pouring my love for her into it so much.
She came home from school one day with a letter announcing that World Book Day was going to be combined with a 'book character' costume competition.
"I want to be Blackavar from Watership Down!" she declared in her childish squeak. <--- me
That was made from any scraps I could lay my hands on in my workshop, including the padding it took to make her skinny, 8 year old self look rabbit shaped. I think the letter was in the bottom of her bag for a few days as well, so it was a couple of consecutive night shifts, fitting my customers' commissions in durng the day. I may, or may not have cursed her a little.
She won the competition anyway, and certainly enjoyed the dragon, daffodil and other costumes I made her for St.David's day and school plays. I hope she remembers the joy over the jealousy and that no one stole her riches from her for long.
I remember a friend telling me that her eldest son always wanted material things, like more and more expensive technlogy. She was fully aware that it was about him never forgiving her for the existence of his two younger siblings who he viewed as imposters. She asked him if he thought my daughter (his friend) was deprived because she had nothing like that. He gave a flat 'no' without hesitation. It was actually undivided attention he longed for, not stuff. I think being allowed to adopt a cat of his very own and giving the moggy his undivided attention resolved that.
When my daughter was 13, I got her a small decorative storage box for Christmas (the size of a large shoe, or small boot box) and packed it with CD's, make-up, nice undies, perfume - things I thought were appealing to a tiny teenager who struggled to get age appropriate clothing and not be treated like an 8 year old. A couple of days after Christmas I treated her to a trip to the local chippy. We stepped out into the street to find all the local kids playing and they swarmed around us announcing their Christmas gifts.
I was like, "I got a phone and a bike and a play station and..." It wasn't like one got a phone and one got a bike, it was like they all got everything. I quietly died inside, mortified that my daughter was listening to this in comparison to her lower budget gifts.
When we were being served in the chippy, the man (who was unlikely to be Christian) asked if she'd had a nice Christmas and if she'd had lots of nice presents. Her eyes sparkled, she beamed at him and breathed, "Yes! I had loads!" like she was the richest person on Earth. <--- me again
Even the young man in the chippy picked up on her spirit and beamed back at her.
No, we don't all have...but I'm more than grateful for the the deal I got on the exchange rate.
When a competitive weightlifter/bodybuilder was asked how he could be as strong as an ox on a vegan diet, he replied, "Since when have oxen eaten meat?"
I used to make a lot of my daughter's clothes because she was s small it was dificult t get age appropriate garments, like without nappy room when she was five.
I got a bit creative with school uniform requirements. One glance at 'red and white check' and my imagination went off on one. I had to stop in the end because the jealousy and discrimination became nasty, even from adults.
Unpicking clothes can be the base for designing something different, too. I'm not sure I was ever as skilled as your mum, mind.
I have an innate ability for creating, or not creating illusion, though. That got me a lot of work. The greatest joy was, no matter how much a customer felt like a sack of spuds when they arrived, they left feeling like were the business.
jac_the_gripper Forum Posts (5,363)
Hello, Rosie. 
<--- me 
I may, or may not have cursed her a little. 
RE: RESPECT .. should it be earned or should it be given?
Only because you think I'm a werewolfTell me about fishing and the moon?