Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

RE: What was one of the hardest things you've ever had to do or decisions you've ever had to make?

To say I'd had enough.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Wow - no wonder you're called "Ur Knight"

God, that is not a likely route to romance...too stressful, I think. Though I suppose it could lead to something if both parties were in the right state of mind.

Yeah, few trips are dull and boring when done for the first time. I think it was around the thirtieth time I drove north that the scenery started looking a tad too familiar.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Thanks, 2. That WAS fitting.

I'm glad you did hijack the thread. It needed some hijacking. :hattip:

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Dang it, Intrigue, you're not going to make this another "size" thread, are you?

Yeah, I'm headed toward those mountains shortly - gonna visit the Black Hills and nearby sites for a few days after enduring a visit with my mom where I'll purportedly meet the new love of my life.

You're right, driving through the prairies is boring as hell...but at least I can set the cruise control to "near-infinite" and just sit back and enjoy my tunes as the dull countryside whizzes by. It got so that my trips to Brandon, MB were basically on autopilot. One moment I'd set the cruise control, the next I was entering the city. Well, except for the blizzards, floods, deer, highway patrol, over-zealous border agents, hitchhikers wearing weird robes, etc., of course.

RE: Are your photos current - showing the real you?

I'd like to point out something which I'm sure all of us have noticed: it's next to impossible to capture your real, "live" appearance with one or even many photos. At best, they show various aspects of you, depending on the light, background, clarity, and even what kind of day you're having.

I've taken photos that (I think) make me look like Bill Murray, William Hurt, Paul Newman, Alfred C. Newman :), Jeff Bridges, Arnold S., Bono (U2), and many others. So who's the "real" me? Is it the photo you're looking at right now (it's the most current)? Is is the photo where I look like crap?

I'm guessing if you averaged out fifty photos you might have some reasonable idea of what we truly look like. For myself, I rarely post the ugly photos. There's only so much self-torment I can take.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Well, "mixed bag" is better than all bad, no?

I'm glad you feel the same way about the US that I do about Canada. Yeah, the border-crossings and the driving were total hassles, but the travel and the new culture also really expanded my horizons, and I loved that and will always be grateful for it.

And the travel doesn't always have to be so far. Manitoba's closer to me than most US states. And there were generally much fewer people on the road.

RE: Falling in and out of LOVE . . . it happens . . .

Unfortunately, you're not able to choose multiple options, which makes it next to impossible to answer your poll in a satisfying way (for me), Coffee.

I think a virtual relationship is much easier to begin and end *usually* for the obvious reasons. All you have to do send and reply to emails/phone calls, and to end the relationship merely stop replying to/sending emails and phone calls, and - voila! - c'est finis. The emotional bonding will usually be less in purely virtual relationships, of course.

However, virtual relationships can sometimes be more difficult to disentangle yourself from because so many questions have not been answered. So you hang on, hoping to get those answers. But then, sometimes that's the whole point: one or both of the parties involved may not actually want the answers - preferring the haze of possibility instead.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

You know, Intrigued, there are so, so many wonderful Canadians on this list. It's such a cool country, in my opinion (yes, I miss it very much...I feel like I lost a close "kissing cousin" when I stopped visiting it). The people there, by and large, seem wonderful.

So I wouldn't throw in the towel over a bad apple here and there...

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Yeah, CC, that really shocked me. I honestly wonder why he was so upset. Regardless, there was no excuse for that outburst, imo.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Always a pleasure to hear from you, Dag.

I liked your last sentence a lot. That was an unconscious adage that got me through much of the last three years.

I do think you're ahead of the "game" by meeting your prospective partner. I think that can answer a lot of questions which can linger for nearly forever in a completely virtual relationship. And of course, it provides the opportunity to move to next relationship level.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

A quick word about The Wall, before returning to civilized discussion.

I was willing to overlook his comments about me, but his exchange with Bodecia showed me this is not someone who deserves to be on this list. I've always had a tolerant view of his constant and largely incoherent spoutings, believing he was a man with a good heart but who carried lots of frustration and pain, but no longer.

I have reported his relevant posts to the MODs.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Right, Natalia, and sometimes I think these people who just want a Platonic friendship can be a tad manipulative - that is, they believe they can't hold onto your friendship unless they persuade you that they actually do have a romantic interest, and thus act deceptively in that regard.

I have no problem with a Platonic friendship, but I do have a problem with dishonesty. You need to let the other person know exactly where you stand.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Yeah, if a person's telling you constantly they just want to be friends, then you ought to listen!

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

I wouldn't fall for words on a computer screen, either. But a voice...a beautiful, loving voice...and the words it made. Yes.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Right, Lang. I've already decided, and said as much to someone I like here, that doing that would be exploitive.

I feel I've already hurt others enough in my life. I want avoid that for the rest of my life. Hence I'm gonna take it sloooowwwww, as a wise person used to often counsel me.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

I did respond to your opening comments, C.

Yeah, he does sound like a great guy. Too bad we're both straight! Otherwise we might chat lovingly with each other for the next several months or years and talk about how good it would be to finally meet in person while never quite ever making that happen.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Sorry, Nance, I missed this earlier.

I guess you kind of lost me, because I don't think of this as "projecting," exactly...or at least that's not the word I'd use. I would call it more "self-delusion." But I think we probably mean the same thing.

I was just trying to point out that once you've actually been with someone, once you've tasted those in-person delights, that can make it harder to let go...can give you some grist for the "clinging to a virtual relationship" mill, so to, uh, speak. Without those incredible times together - and also without my guilt over my behavior at a critical time in our relationship - I never would've tolerated a purely virtual relationship for so many months. The thought of what I'd experienced, and the desperate hope - however misguided it was - that I might re-experience the awesome highs once again certainly prolonged that torturous period.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Hey, V - well, someone had to do it, I guess! I'm just reading your awesome post now, after awakened from an after dinner nap (was watching a documentary on stress and its incredibly negative effects - didn't have the pick-me-up effect I was hoping for, it seems ;-).

Now let me reply to your post above -

jeff

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Yeah, it's not being able to move forward...that's kind of the essence of it.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Well, I suppose that would beat eternally suffering, Stef. (Though I'm not sure I personally found the two to be much different.)

RE: Suspicious Minds...

"A leap of faith is required at some point." Though I'm a scientific atheist type, that's the conclusion I came to as well, B. I'm not sure it's really a leap of faith in the sense you have no evidence for your decision, but what I mean by it (and I've used that exact phrase in trying to sell the idea of marriage to my SO) is that we never can be completely sure...we can never have enough or some form of absolute evidence. At some point we just need to decide based on what we know and feel.

From what I've seen, if you don't "womanup" or "manup" at some point and make that decision, you will founder in a sea of ambivalence which will foster greater and greater insecurity vis-a-vis the relationship.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Yeah, the moving question is kind of basic if you're looking to have a romantic relationship with someone in a different country. One of you has to be willing to move. In my opinion, both of you should be, in principle anyway, willing to relocate. If you live far apart, be realistic as you say, Lang, and acknowledge that it will take considerable "love energy" to overcome that obstacle. As if relationships aren't difficult enough in general.

I think a lot of people get in the following "trap": they talk to a distant person just out of curiosity or because something about them seems appealing, and then after a few more talks they start to feel something a bit unanticipated: an actual connection. Then, if the conversations continue, you can find yourself being the subject of this thread - or, if you're more fortunate, actually begin a real flesh and blood relationship.

But even there you need to come to grips with making a life together eventually. You can't be on "holiday" forever, as much as fun as that is. And it WAS so very fun while it lasted.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Well, I think the living together business indicates a certain inherent lack of commitment, Lang. I think that might explain why more people who live together before marriage break up than those who didn't. For some people that's a logical conundrum, but I don't believe it truly is. Not everyone lives together for the same reasons, of course, but in general there's a certain wishy-washiness about it, I think...I kind programming for relationship failure involved.

I've always believed that nothing's gained from protracted courtships. After my last relationship I believe that DOUBLY. Protracted courtships not only don't help prepare you for commitment - they actually undercut commitment and the chance for a real, long-term relationship, in my view.

RE: Suspicious Minds...

I would say the prime possibility would be making an unjustified logical leap. That is, the fact that you were with someone who wasn't loyal doesn't imply that others are the same way. I see that so often here - people extrapolating from their own bad experiences as though they represent some universal truth. "I was with a bad man, therefore I don't trust men."

Still, I think that's understandable. One does tend to favor one's own experiences naturally. If you've only known philanderers, for instance, you may tend to assume - not logically, of course - that most or all men are philanderers. I've heard from one party that men are inferior morally based on her experience.

That, in my view, is a crippling attitude. Now if only women were more trustworthy, I could finally find the right one for me!

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Ha! Maybe not so crazy as it sounds!

I don't believe in love at first sight (don't believe BLINK would certify that), but I do think we have a pretty good idea quickly whether love is a possibility. And once you are in love, in my view, the most important "choice" has been made. Then it's just time to roll up one's sleeves and get to work.

I wonder if couples just made snap decisions to marry based on a short get-together whether they'd fare much worse than those who took much longer. They wouldn't have much to beat, would they?

And the state of mind which fears that kind of commitment pretty much creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn't it?

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Langley!

Yeah, I'm wondering if someone who has trouble deciding which socks to wear might also have trouble - much more trouble - deciding something important like making a commitment in a relationship?

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Heh. Seriously, this book has really got me thinking. Someday I may actually read it (in accord with the theme of the book, I just glanced at it and made a snap-judgment. )

I've been thinking back lately on my first impressions of _____ and of other women I've had dalliances with, and compared those "BLINK" first impressions with what I came to learn much later.

It's remarkable how similar they were. Maybe there's something to speed dating after all. Perhaps they ought to have Speed Serious Relationships/Marriage, too?

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Hmmm...well, I'll have to think about that a bit...though you might be right...still, you might not be...I'll just have to consider it some more...

I've been reading a book called BLINK that talks about the advantages of "snap decisions." Its thesis is that often less is more - that over-thinking/analyzing can actually lead to less accurate results.

There was a HUGE divide about making a decision in my last relationship. People, especially VERY cautious people, like to take their time making important choices. But I'm with BLINK: when you are in love, when you've proclaimed a love that is above all others, you have enough information to make a choice. If you don't, you'll just enter the eternally dithering mode. And that's a relationship-killer. And it did kill.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

Sadly, that's almost invariably the case when a relationship breaks down. One person simply no longer wants to try.

The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship

How about 1 1/2? As long as two people want it to work, it WILL work, imo. They'll find a way. When one person doesn't want it to work, there is NO way.