Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

RE: Its Really Not That Complicated....Is It?

It's funny, because you're clearly a rather analytical person yourself. So you turn that part of yourself off when you're entering a relationship?

It's very hard to place yourself in other's people's heads and understand what they're thinking (and why they feel the need to think it). I look at relationships where people hardly seem to talk or think about anything (at least by my standards), and they sometimes appear to work fine. I see other relationships where the people talk a lot and seem to enjoy analyzing stuff and discussing it, and they appear to sometimes work fine as well. Really depends on how the people fit. I see no reason to believe that relationship are any more simple than the people who are in them. Would you say that people are generally "simple"?

"Over-analysis" is a fairly eye in the beholder kind of a thing. I also think it's not the cause but rather the symptom. If you feel like there's loads of things (usually problems) that need examining and re-examining, there probably are loads of issues that haven't been resolved. You could ignore or not discuss them, but that won't make them go away. And always discussing them also shows you haven't made the conflicts go away (otherwise, the constant discussion/analysis) would taper off.

What I'm claiming is that *usually* underlying problems are the source of relationship difficulties - not the constant discussion or lack thereof in a relationship.

I would place "over-thinking" in the category of over-used phrases that you authored a thread about recently, B. I do believe it's possible to over-think something, but even when people do that it's a symptom of deeper issues, I believe (what causes the over-thinking in the first place). Also, as long as there truly are unresolved issues in a relationship, there can't be too much thinking involved. If anything, those unresolved issues require more - or at least more effective - thinking, imo.

RE: Do you like the Cs Add Robo

I keep looking for the "ban" or "hide" button for the thing!

RE: Say Something Wonderful

Also, F, I think you included a good selection of photos of yourself.

RE: Say Something Wonderful

Something Wonderful. You know, someone had to say that.

I like your personality as it has emerged on the forums, F, the most, but I think your profile is straightforward and shows some pretty clear things about you, which is good. (Your "tend to be loyal..." etc., might be changed to "I AM loyal" - just a suggestion, because I'm pretty sure that is not a mere tendency of yours! )

RE: What is the most heartless way to dump someone?

The most heartless and cruel way, in my opinion, is simply silence.

RE: Talk/Email/Pen Pal

While there may be a few people who are actually looking for those things, I'd guess the majority are in fact using it as they would their voicemail - that is for screening purposes. It's probably mostly code for "I want to talk to you and get to you know you and then, maybe, I might consider something else."

But I suspect the code is rather more multi-layered than that. It seems likely that it represents a certain ambivalence toward the notion of finding love/being in a serious relationship. I think a lot of these people are looking to be talked into something more serious. If so, I think there's a fundamental dishonesty involved.

You're either interested in a serious romantic relationship or you're not. These people probably are interested, but they don't want to acknowledge that. They'd prefer to keep things fuzzy in order to avoid making a firm decision and just simply thinking hard about what they truly want.

I am very personally familiar with this phenomenon.

RE: What would you like to say to your Ex today?

I wish I could've been there better when you needed me the most. I wish you had been willing to give me another chance.

RE: people's dark sides

Well, C, it's a judgment call. A darkness that one person feels okay about accepting will be unacceptable to another.

RE: people's dark sides

I would venture to guess that almost everyone has, at a minimum, "dark moments." I've never had a romantic relationship with someone who didn't have some form of darkness within them (or so it seemed to me).

RE: people's dark sides

"Spiffingly fit"? Thanks, V.

Yeah, you make a good point. I guess I was thinking more of "objectionable" than "dark," and it makes sense that "dark" should be more than that.

Okay, rather than matters of personal hygiene or annoying habits, I think most of us would mean a part of a personality that's rather disturbing...or shall we say, a personality trait that contrasts somewhat disturbingly with a person's other traits.

I don't see why it would have to be as extreme as Jekyll and Hide. I think darknesses could come in various hues and shades. I think of a family friend who was usually funny as hell and amicable, but would periodically drink too much and descend into a surly, semi-depressive place. But in my observation he would do that only once every few months. For some, a dark place might just be hiding out and sulking in their homes or bedrooms for a few days. I think there are a lot of possibilities here.

I believe I have some moods which can be a bit dark, too, but nothing as extreme as J&K. I think it depends on how dark and how much and how it contrasts with other more felicitous personality qualities.

RE: people's dark sides

Well, that's another question - what do you put up with now or find charming that you will not tolerate/find charming later in the relationship.

I actually had a dialogue like that early on in a relationship. The things we named that we suspected we wouldn't find charming or tolerable later proved to be complete non-factors.

RE: people's dark sides

Heh. One can always hope.

It's an intriguing question, I think, because it turns the usual "what are the qualities you need in a person" sort of on its head. It asks what's truly important - the make or break attributes - in reverse.

Nice pic, btw, V.

RE: people's dark sides

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Yeah, I've known a few "frank" women in my life, that's for sure. We have to keep in mind that even if there do exist gender-related personality traits, there are massive amounts of differences between individuals. As Monty Python's "Brian" once pointed out: "We're all individuals. We're all different."

It takes a brave and very special person to reply: "I'm not!"

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

I left out photos of my four-wheeler, rider-mower, and my scooter!

Yeah, photos don't convey a lot of things, though I suspect they convey more than we might think? They certainly can be misleading.

I find the photos people choose to put up here to be pretty interesting. The distances they choose, the amount of blur, the angles and light - along with their expressions. I've seen some photos here that make me wonder - women's faces half-obscured in darkness. The "aura of mystery" thing? Even the amount of effort to present a decent photo is itself surely significant, no?

Thanks for your kind comments, D.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

I think you're right, Daisy. Women are clearly more interested, as a *general* rule, in what's going on in relationships than men are. I mean, if you've been around guys, even intellectual, well-educated guys, they don't spend a lot of time talking about their relationships (as a general rule, again!). You'll hear a lot of discussion of politics or sports or house repair. If you get a group of gals together...well, you get the picture.

I think women have some pretty strong evolutionary-biological reasons for being interested in men and being able to read them. For much of our history as a species, their very lives doubtless depended on accurate readings of the men around them, so it wouldn't surprise me if they were better at that than men.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Wow...talk about missing out on a LOT.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Hi, Katt! Not only through hell, but sometimes into a world of co-created madness, spiraling downward on vicious cycles of misunderstanding. Man, I hope I don't have more relationship nightmares tonight (last night I dreamed about an ex looking Linda Blair in her "crusty" phase of the Exorcist!).

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

You definitely have to be motivated, and it takes some patience to perform it in real life. But when "normal" arguments/discussions just don't work, even an "old dog" can learn new tricks, I think. Necessity (or desperation?) being the mother of invention and all.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Daisy - how about for fun we check out your and/or any of the lady's intuitions about the guys here? Based on the body language and expressions of our profile photos?

Hmmm...I think I just came up with a new thread idea!

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Smart lady. A lesson some of us have learned a lot more slowly.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

I think many CS threads would greatly benefit from this skill. But to practice it does require some dedication, which in turn requires motivation.

Recently I was in a heated philosophy debate/discussion where accusations and misunderstandings were flying, and I recommended a David Burns variation of active listening. Strangely enough, several of the participants agreed, but one refused, and that was enough to destroy my would-be psychology experiment.

In order to enjoy this kind of communication you need both (or all) parties really working hard and with benevolent intent. They need to care about getting a good result. If someone has a bad intent, it ain't gonna fly.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Yeah, it's pretty hard to completely isolate any question of this type. In fact, I'd say it's impossible. The best one can hope for is to stay on relevant subjects, which this is one.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

This is getting tiresome.

The person who wishes to say something of course determines what is important to him or her. I've said absolutely nothing to suggest otherwise.

We can't even agree without arguing, it appears. I guess that shouldn't be surprising.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

There is no logical conflict between these two sentiments.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

I didn't say that. I was speaking of the *obligation* to tell everything, not the obligation to listen should someone wish to speak about such things (whatever one wishes to speak of).

Of course one should be willing to listen to mundane things or whatever one's partner wishes to discuss ad infinitum (note I didn't say ad nauseam ). But good, honest communication doesn't necessarily require telling your partner everything - just the most important things about one's thoughts and feelings.

I wouldn't count, for example, a thought about my SO looking fat in a dress as being something which requires my honest comment.

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Well, that's a whole 'nother question, AM.

No one can be everything for someone else. But they can be the most important things - and I count among those "closest confidante."

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

Right - I think sometimes it's a very good idea to attempt to work stuff out on your own, to avoid bugging your SO about everything...especially things which really stem from your own issues rather than anything she's doing.

If you ask for the Zeus's honest truth, of course you have no one to blame but yourself if you don't like answer (even if you really, really want a particular answer). And I tried not to hold it against my SOs. Part of me certainly respected them for telling me an unpleasant truth. Even while I was crying in my beer, it still led me to trust them more because they were willing to level with me. That meant to me that I could count on their honesty - and that when they said things I did like they were also being honest.

Too much drama? Perhaps we should allow CC, our drama-less relationship guru, to prescribe drama-free people to us?

The sad truth is that drama in our relationships is co-created. If you're experiencing that, you are part of its cause, even if you want to believe it's the "other guy," it ain't.

When I hear someone say "I'm not into drama," I always want to retort: "Then don't help create it." To paraphrase POGO: "We have met the Drama Queen/King, and He/She is us."

The Aura of Female Mystery as it Relates to Communication

It's always a tricky situation when it comes to confidences. Unless specifically asked, I would not count any information as off-limits to my SO. And if someone specifically asked to exclude her, I'm not sure I would agree (though I can imagine an exception).

The thing with your daughter and her husband can cut in another direction - namely your SO sharing all your confidences with his or her best friend. That's pretty tricky also, because one's best friend is a person one naturally shares pretty much everything with as well.

My only thought is that if you feel your SO shouldn't share something with his or her best friend, you should make that clear. I do believe your SO's wishes in this regard should come first as a general rule.