Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Yeah, well, I think most people don't learn that much from their relationships, regardless of their number. I think you can learn an enormous amount from one long-term relationship...though that can be problematic, because some comparison is necessary, I think, to hone in on what you want.

Sometimes I kinda hate those people who get it right the first time. Who died and made them gods, anyway? (Or dare I believe it was mainly just dumb luck?)

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Well, uh, maybe I know what you're saying...?

So you're saying women tend to use language more ambiguously than men do, and are projecting their own more "multifaceted" communication practices onto men?

I doubt very much that's true - overall (but perhaps I hang out with different men than you do?). I mean, I think with certain kinds of communication what you're saying may apply. But my experience with men is that they very frequently mean something quite different from what they're saying - at least if the issue is a difficult one for them (for example, anything relating to emotions). Perhaps when expressing simple preferences they may be more straightforward?

Also - and perhaps this is what you're speaking of? - men don't expect you to read their minds as much as you expect them to read yours? In my experience, and from my readings, it seems more commonplace for women to expect mind-reading skills from their mate.

However, I've known a guy or two, including myself, who expected (or perhaps hoped!) for that on occasion.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Wow, N, that's a whole lotta learnin'!

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Hmmm...I'm wondering what exactly you meant by that, L...

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

I'm glad. I'd hate to have you think I'm a fruit... (Maybe it's the glasses?)

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Uh, thanks?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

You're certainly free to not do that.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

I hope you're not hinting that I'm some form of "fruit," CC!

Anyway, I don't agree. We're all human and share some fairly basic things.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

And I believe everyone here, incidentally, has failed at one time or another to keep their relationships together, no?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Well, I think especially people who can't keep their own relationships together have good reason to look at other people's relationships - particularly those that seem to be working - in order to learn how they might improve their situation.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Yeah, there's something called "active listening" which I think is a must in every relationship. Basically, it consists of making sure you understand what your partner has said (even if you don't agree) before proceeding to your response. Not much point in responding to something that was neither said nor meant. God, the amount of time I've wasted either being misunderstood or misunderstanding because of not practicing this!

In order to see past your own problems, you have to have some idea what your problems are. Then you need to be willing to step back and take a more dispassionate look at the "bigger picture" - which most notably includes your partner's perceptions and feelings.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Ouch!

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Are you talking about you, Al, or about me?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Hmmmm...well, then if wearing your heart on your sleeve is a mistake...then perhaps you learned that?

Ambivalence: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Yeah, I gotta stop listening to that Sting song.

Thanks, KC, for "coming back from the dead" to write that.

RE: Peter Falk R.I.P.

"Well, uh, you know I was just wondering, one more thing..."

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Well, sounds like he manipulated you, C.

I guess I would generalize and say - however it happens - if large amounts of money are flowing from one partner to another (outside of marriage, particularly), you may have a problem. If I witnessed that happening in a romantic relationship (well, really almost any relationship), I would take that to be worrisome sign.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

"Everything"? That covers a helluva lot of territory, Venus!

If I only knew everything...sure would make things simpler (though awfully boring, I suspect).

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Ouch!

Though in the early stages of a relationship I don't think there'd be anything untoward about sharing more or feeling closer to one's family than one's dating partner.

However, when one's partnership becomes serious... Step...back...from the...mother.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Right. And this points - conversely - to a problem with identifying objectionable behaviors/situations in past relationships, and using them as a basis for identifying future partners.

Let's say you were involved with a gambler, and learned how horrible that was. Next time you make a point of choosing someone who isn't a gambler. True, you now don't have the problems associated with a partner's gambling, but that's merely one of a million possible issues that could prove objectionable, so I'm not sure that necessarily leaves you in a better place - unless you've identified more fundamental traits that lead to various objectionable behaviors.

I learned specifically from my past relationship that I will not be with someone who is emotionally attached to a former lover (to the extent that they are still actively involved in each other's lives and have strong emotional needs to continue that involvement).

The flip-side is even more important: I should not attempt to be in a relationship until I've resolved my former relationships; if I am emotionally/socially dependent on a former partner, then I have not completed that resolution.

The damage of not resolving a former relationship was legion in my case. First, that inhibited my emotional commitment to the current relationship, and also triggered behaviors in my partner the reinforced my conflicted feelings about commitment. The guilt of not having resolved my feelings led to over-sensitivity regarding my partner's behavior with respect to her ex, and so on.

But what's the general lesson from this specific "learning"? I think it's that when you're with someone you need to be CLEARLY with them; that is, you should not have conflicting values which make it difficult or impossible to focus more or less fully on your current relationship. An unresolved "ex-relationship" is a huge barrier to that - though it's no doubt one among many.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Jeez... That's quite a list VV.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Yeah, CC, you seem to have hit on something really special. I'm happy for you (and a bit envious!)

I think people who come from families where the relationships were less than ideal may tend to resent a partner with good familial relationships. I can think of one excellent example of that.

Also, being raised by controlling/abusive parents can't help.

I guess what the lesson that could apply to future relationships might be that one should carefully scrutinize the familial relationships of one's partner. If there are lots of bad blood in his or her family that perhaps should be rather worrisome.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

I would add, C, that in most romantic relationships (and probably most relationships period!), being asked to lend/give large sums of money to one's partner would be a HUGE red flag, I think.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

That's a huge challenge, determining the balance of power.

One thing I've learned from a past relationship is that it is necessary to negotiate one's differences with an eye toward resolving them rather than merely complain about them. There's a very powerful difference, I think, between arguing and complaining and negotiating - the difference between a relationship failing or succeeding, in many cases, because complaints and criticisms sans productive problem-solving inevitably accumulate over time (since their sources are never eliminated or reduced).

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Understood. Which raises another issue (as though we need more!): How much substantive variations would one expect between partners? It seems that our basic preferences would somewhat limit the degree of variation...

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

As opposed to...?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

To trust what they do and not what they say... Wise words, C.

Thanks, I am feeling better.

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Hi, CC.

Did your previous relationship have control issues like that, or was that typical of your past relationships in general?

Would you mind giving an example of someone trying to control you?

What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future?

Really? I would think not liking your partner's family would be a very large red flag with respect to your compatibility (though not in all cases, no doubt).

Ironically, one ex's family came to consider me as a member of their family while my partner did not. Go figure.