Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I doubt Snickers cares much about that, Dag.

And speaking of breaking up and how that feels and why it happens, I'm thinking you might have something to say on the subject (I noticed your profile no longer mentions your special lady )

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Thanks, Dobe, for your account and thoughts. I guess the first thing that I wonder is what you've learned about relationships from your two marriages (plus other relationships). I hear a lot of people coming off a bad relationship speak of "taking time to find themselves," but I rarely hear about lessons learned or about what specifically they plan to work on to have a better relationship next time.

For me, and I think most people, the easiest thing after a failed relationship is to see the negative things you want to avoid next time - you know, next time you won't stay with a gambler, drug-user, cheater, chronic m**turbator/flatulator, that kind of thing. In my case, I know I would never choose to stay with someone who does not fully commit to the relationship once mutual love has been declared.

But knowing to avoid that and other negatives, I suspect, will prove inadequate, since the next person (if there is one) most likely will have other qualities that I find problematic, so I prefer looking at the issue more fundamentally - looking at myself and what kinds of things I do or have done that are not good for a relationship and what the origins of those actions/viewpoints are. That kind of personal responsibility is one which, in my observation, most people avoid or are uncomfortable with.

But there are no guarantees that even doing that I will avoid problems, I figure. Each person introduces his or her own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. The only solution I can imagine is to be prepared to grow in your understandings in every relationship circumstance.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Hi, Lilly -

Thanks for your thoughtful words, and congrats on your 4-year relationship (though I'm puzzled that your profile gives no indication of it!).

I guess one thing I've learned is that without "true commitment" (as you write above), there simply isn't the motive power, so to speak, to run a relationship. Without true commitment, when things get rough, as they inevitably do at some point, you simply lack the foundational motivation to solve those problems and grow. Instead, you founder in a "sea" of ambivalence and uncertainty.

It's funny, because my erstwhile love also joined CS on a recommendation from a friend, and within a few weeks had found someone who would come to love her very deeply (though she would say, no doubt, quite flawedly [is that a word??'-])

I don't believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but in this instance apparently I'm alone in that belief.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I'm glad you got out of that horrible and dangerous situation, Faithful.

I've often wondered how any woman can stay in a relationship after she's been physically abused, and am surprised how often that seems to happen. Sometimes until it's too late. I'm glad you're not one of those women, Faithful.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Good for you.

One problem for me is that I don't know that at all. In fact, I'm quite sure that's not true. Which might prove rather unsettling if I weren't so distracted by being depressed.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I'm sorry to hear that, Narnia.

Sometimes I think it's easier to have something clearly bad and unforgivable happen so that one can end the relationship with a confident sense of rightness (not to say that I or anyone would wish to experience their lover having an affair! ).

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

You a cougar with respect to Kid? Hmm...maybe you should ask him about that. Heck, I wonder what that makes me - being 11 years older than the fabulous GG? Maybe an African Wild Dog or perhaps a hyena?

Yeah, I guess I'd better get busy prettying up my corpse before it starts to smell...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

OPRAH'S LEAVING!!?? Just when I thought I was starting to find some peace with my grief!

Thanks, Monte, for your story. That's some of the detail that I've been hoping for.

That seems so sad to let someone like him - and I say this to Forever Single as well - to deprive you of the chance for love. To me, that seems like being horribly hurt twice: once during the relationship, and then again for years afterward.

I would think twice about letting someone impose that double-penalty on you. (Again, I'm saying this to every lady or guy who is so traumatized by a past relationship that they've given up on love.)

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Ah, this is great. Love springs afresh from the rotting and probably besotted corpse of my romantic love. Hey, folks, some discretion here - my "love body" is still warm!

Wouldn't that be something, though, if my little pity party actually led to a serendipitous meeting of hearts?

(Just be a little cautious, Harry; judging from one of Jono's paintings, she's a crack shot! )

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

1 - zip for what? Are we talking curling?

You people and your curling and hockey. It just about drove me nuts during my relationship with a canuck.

AND GOD I'M GONNA MISS IT (and all those crazy Canadianisms)!!

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

'Night, A. Have a safe trip!

And you're right - I will cut back on the pancakes!

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I thought for a moment there, A, that you were going to break out with that "Be happy, don't worry" song. Thank Zeus you didn't!

Seriously, I appreciate the sentiments. But really, this isn't about me...well, maybe some of it is...okay, it entirely is - but still, it's not consolation or mourning, I think, but rather understanding. And spiritual enlightenment. Both of which are telling me it's time for another beer...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

And maybe a shoe rack, too, since you Canucks are so intent on removing your shoes (me, I love to come in from a muddy field and just kick my boots up on the table while slurping cheap beer and shooting my trusty .357 at my indoor targets while watching Jerry Springer...but hey, I'm just a typical red-blooded American, after all )

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

The bolded/colored/enlarged portion really speaks to me, A. Neither of us did that work - didn't resolve our issues from our past relationships, or even resolved those relationships themselves - before we embarked on our romance. That came back to haunt us big-time.

As far as other issues...well, as I've written about previously here, you don't always know what to work on until you're there. Each relationship I've been in (well, there have only been two, since they're fairly easy to keep track of! ) raised unique problems where the solutions seemed obvious only in retrospect. I'm not sure how useful generalizing from this one will be, though I've certainly spent godzillions of hours contemplating every possible bad attitude on my part and just about everything else.

I've learned a huge amount...but so much of the learning is centered on understanding a particular and uber-unique individual whom I expect never to see the likes of again. As a result, I believe I know a great deal about what makes her tick, but it remains to be seen how useful that will be on the next go-round. Assuming there is another go-round...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

The pancakes and beer strike again...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

The pancakes and beer strike again...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Hi, A - it's good to see you, too!

Yes, I know the very basic outline of what you went through, and in a very basic sense it seems like a familiar one.

I believe it's possible, with some help, the right tools, and a determined spirit, to get through the bad spots of a relationship to the "other side" - you know, that place where the sunset begins and the music is cued in.

My own theory, shared with the Imago theorists (Helen Hunt and Harville Hendricks, along with many other therapists), is that many relationships that fail would succeed with the right "tools" and attitudes. Unfortunately, that requires two people committed to solutions. I've learned that it is an absolutely impossible task for one person alone to perform.

What have you learned from this failed relationship, A??

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Damn. I should never post and eat pancakes and drink beer at the same time!

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Jeez. No my grammar and spelling is failing me, too. Will my suffering never end.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I think, considering what the first two did, three would surely kill me. Hence I'm considering the possibility that I and my future would-be lovers would be better if I stuck with the single life from here on out.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Thanks, my friend. Only "2 love experiences"? By some coincidence, that's my number, too.

And they say one is the loneliness number. Liars!

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Thanks, Eternally Single.

Do you think I should join you in being single forever? I've honestly considered that, but it seems rather bleak.

I've often wondered what led to your deciding on this particular course for yourself. Was there a particular event or was it more of an accumulation of experience and reflection? If so, could you elaborate on that?

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Thanks, RD, but how about telling me about a true love of yours that went bad and how you dealt with it? That's what I'm after here.

Believe me, I have enough self-pity for any hundred CSers. That's not what I'm looking for here...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I think it's a LOT like that...except the person is still living, sort of like a ghost, tormenting you with the possibility that there is in fact life after death...?

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I kinda prefer the "hunt them down and..." etc. version of Gibran's saying, Cherry.

But I'm looking for specific instances and feelings, C, not bromides or sympathy.

I'd like to know how other people handled losing someone they deeply loved. Gimme some specifics, please, CS comrades!

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Oh, god. Please, for the love of Zeus, my CS friends - no more song recommendations!

Now that damn song is playing and playing in my head.

Right now my preference is for music that is so hard-edged that it burns straight through the cranium. "Solitary Man" as sung by Johnny Cash is at least in the ballpark...

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I'm not sure breaking up with someone necessarily involves drama, but there certainly must be some pain involved. I'm not sure how you plan to avoid that, Swiss, if you ever expect to open your heart to someone. The moment you do that, there's the risk of being hurt. The only way to avoid that with absolute certainty, as far as I can see, is to avoid romantic relationships altogether.

Is that your plan?

Glad you didn't leap in front of a truck, btw.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

I agree, Life, but then again, perhaps life can be a lot less at times as well.

I think not loving someone you're breaking up with would be utterly fantastic. Unfortunately, I'm not built that way. For me, love does not go away...not immediately, in any case (or even any time soon).

I've read that one test is whether you feel happier after having left someone. I believe I'm rather horrifically flunking it, if that's the case.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

B Natural sounds way too happy and festive for my current tastes, Al.

But thanks for reminding me that only "forever is forever." I was starting to become afraid that only "infinity is infinite," so that's something of a relief.

The Goodbye Thread: How you Know, What you Feel, and What you Do, when it's Over

Good heavens...well, that doesn't bear a lot of resemblance to my song, Bomb, but, uh, thanks...?