Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, I foresee one problem with continuing to sit on the bench. Eventually you'll be covered by pigeon-droppings, for one. For another, you'll eventually be arrested for loitering. At some paramedics will need to be called as you run out of food and your body melds with the hardwood.

Just a few reasons why I prefer to keep changin'.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, at the risk of pointing out the obvious, L, people who make such declarations are not doing so from a fount of self-confidence or a "strong identity." That's not the kind of proclamation a self-confident individual makes, anymore than they would announce something like "No players wanted." Of course that, much like the defiant "I won't change for anybody" doesn't logically imply that the person is against games or is in a rut, but it *psychologically* implies a defensive attitude much as "no players wanted" suggests being defensive because of a past tendency toward poor discrimination.

You would never place such a statement in your profile (should you ever choose to write something substantive on it), would you? Ask yourself why you wouldn't, and then you'll have your answer.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

What if I requested that you scowl more often? You look too happy, Scar!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I don't even remember writing "What's wrong, Laura?", not to mention seeing your "chancge."

But I always appreciate such corrections, L, you know that.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Thanks, Sultry!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Thanks, Sultry!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

What's wrong, Laura? Baffled by the wrongheadedness of your post? I don't blame you.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I think it's an honest representation of themselves (in most cases, excluding very few people for whom it's just a rotten attitude).

I would disagree with your disagreement, L. That statement expresses a rotten attitude (excluding a few god-like individuals/saints for whom it's a good attitude).



When I hear someone say that I hear a person who's resistant to self-exploration and introspection and who has taken a defensive stance with respect to their faults and to the possibility of change. In other words, I hear exactly the opposite of what you're hearing. Go figure?




I value compatibility immensely. I also value self-improvement immensely - because all of us except the aforementioned demi-gods and saint good use some, probably a lot, of that. There is not mutual exclusivity between those two things; quite the contrary. A person dedicated to growth and improvement will make the most potentially compatible person of all - as opposed to someone stuck in a self-congratulatory rut.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

I guess I'd want to be a pack of starlings, then (they scare the bejeezus out of my cat!)!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

That sounds to me like a very powerful confirmation of Harville's theory...

By the way, I'm very sorry you had to endure that. I can't imagine how terrible that must've been, Snuggie. The ultimate betrayal of parental love.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Yeah, I know what you mean, V. The first several times I said that out loud I tripped on the "I don't think." To say that about myself seemed so unnatural somehow...

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, if we're so great, Arlene, why are you sticking your tongues out at us??

Seriously, good to see you, A!

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

I must confess, Amity, I don't have a sense that I know at all where you're coming from on this issue. From your profile photos, you clearly value looking like a model. If you find this in some way contemptible, why have you chosen to look this way?

I remember you from before. You seemed far more "mellow" then. So what's up? You seem rather angry about all this? Why?

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

Judging? Sure - in the sense I'm using your photos to make an assessment.

It's true that being slim or even looking good isn't a guarantor of being physically fit.

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

Hi, Jan. Yeah, I suspect he is bald and unattractive. I find it amazing when men express narrow and demanding esthetic preferences that they would fail miserably themselves!

Yeah, his attitude seems highly suspicious to me. If he truly were so turned off by her weight, why did he stay with her for so long? Perhaps it is basically about his desire to control her.

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

Interesting attitude, A, given that you are so - judging from your photos - physically fit.

It's hard to imagine how someone's weight wouldn't be a factor in romantic attraction, health and other issues aside.

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

Two Swedish posters strongly oppose being overweight and endorse the appeal of slim, in-shape partners.

Do I see a pattern forming (I'm Norwegian)?

Well, according to many past CS threads/polls, there are a number of men who are okay, or who even like, overweight ladies (I didn't observe a reciprocal number of ladies preferring overweight men).

I wouldn't be surprised if cultural considerations play a role in this esthetic questions. Some cultures - I'm guessing the Scand culture - may have very different views from those of average Americans.

In America (and Canada - sorry, honey!), there are VAST numbers of overweight individuals. I know in my town I'm a veritable freak for being slim and in-shape at my age (most assume I'm a lot younger, largely on the strength of my relatively buff physical conditioning )

RE: Would you lose weight for love?

It's funny. I am SO into slim women. I can almost see really liking someone and thinking: "God, if only she were slim." And maybe if I were getting along with a lady who wasn't slim, I can see the subject coming up.

The difference between me and this "gentleman" is that I wouldn't date a woman who wasn't basically slim...or at least fairly average in body proportions. I can't imagine getting hot and heavy with someone whom I considered to be at all overweight.

So I have a problem with this older dude's modus operandi. I don't see his being romantically involved with someone who doesn't fit his attraction-parameters as being reasonable.

Let's say your friend manages to get skinny. They get married. Then she - fairly likely, I think - regains most if not all of her former weight. What then? Divorce?

I think if a certain personal attribute is extremely important to you, you ought to begin with someone who possesses that attribute.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Am I right, women?

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Ah, you're plenty good-looking enough to have decent-looking women, in my humble opinion. What would turn women off most would not be your looks, but the attitude above, I think.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

From "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay":

"Here's a Four-line history of many relationships:

* "I can't believe how many things we have in common

* Actually, in some ways we're very different

* We are really so different

* We were just too different."

That sums it up beautifully, imo.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Psychologists that I've read say that attitude is a sure-fire means of achieving solitariness in perpetuity.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Well, you're certainly right about "female can demand that her male partner dresses better and gets better hair," but I see a double standard in not permitting a man to make similar suggestions for improvement.

The weight issue is an interesting one, which Mira Kirschenbaum discusses with a case study in her "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." She does not conclude that a person marrying someone with clear esthetic standards known from the beginning is wrong in asking his or her spouse to maintain some physical conditioning decorum. It's just an example of many possible negative changes that can occur in a relationship/marriage (for instance, your partner takes up smoking, gambling, or robbing banks)

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Makes me wonder how they got there in the first place...

RE: ....."....The full faith and integrity.."....?

Makes me want to go count my silver coins again...

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Wow. I didn't think I'd get off that easy! I mean:

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Sheesh. Leave the thread for a moment and some other dude is honing in on my guy.

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

(About as many cheerleaders as I can risk before people will talk. )

That's so cool, Chris! You give us all hope!

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Why? Was there something else positive one could say about her?

Okay, I must confess I like her music. There, I said it...on a public forum...

Is it reasonable to ask or expect a partner to change?

Ah, you two...so wonderfully in love it almost makes me want to wear blinders (or strong sunglasses?).

I think your relationship is rare, Chris. But it does happen. Count yourself (incredibly) lucky. And that couldn't have happened to a nicer person, imo.