Ambrose2007 Forum Posts (8,881)

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Are you giving me the Vulcan hand-sign by any chance?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Well, I don't see the two - having help from one's partner and still being ultimately responsible for fixing yourself - as being mutually exclusive.

What do you think of Imago Relationship Therapy (the authors certainly incorporated transformational theory into their views).

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Yeah, I think you did.

Interesting that you wrote there "are things I cannot solve alone because sometimes one needs a person to mirror thoughts," because "mirror image" is used by the following therapists to describe what we're looking for in a romantic partner:

“One of the central myths of our culture is that if you’re whole, you don’t need anyone else. You can be an island unto yourself, a hero on your own journey. You can conquer alone.

“We are saying the opposite. We are saying that you cannot be whole without the Other. There is no “I” without “Thou.” Through relationship, we are mirrored into existence. The consciousness of who we are and what the world is like arises out of our encounters with other people… We can only exercise and enjoy the fullness of our own bodies, minds, and spirits if we develop and experience them in relation to other people.”

- Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, Receiving Love

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Are you high on something, Y?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Well, regarding "Do not tell me that what can be an issue for one can differ to another," I think that depends on the issue. Some are more universal than others; some may be powerfully triggered in a certain relationship, while not so strong in another. Some issues might not be triggered at all or very little by your partner.

Of course, I agree that once you're made aware (from past or your current relationship) that you have an issue, you certainly ought to work on it. And your knowledge should, I think, influence your next choice of partner. For example, if you've learned that you have an issue with loudmouthed partners, you probably should select a quieter one next time around.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

I think that may have been the point of my little pseudo-pity party, Nan.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

It's evening over there, eh? Good to see you, too, sis.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Okay, Nan. Still...why don't you read the article and tell me what you think then?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

I bookmarked the site, too. Hopefully we'll agree on a few things, but in any case, I'm always prepared to learn something new.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Yeah, I know what you mean, Nan. After years of looking for a perfect soul mate, I finally found one...but I soon ran into a major problem: I'm not perfect! So now, not liking myself much, I'm relying on her to help me fulfill myself, while doing a lot of crying, of course.

I wish I could find some way to keep myself amused, but ah well... what's the point, you know?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

My sediments exactly, Nan.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Well, you know I adore "sticky wickets," E. I might even love one of them!

Oh, why don't you let us know what you feel? I doubt this thread will turn into a flamewar...

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Thanks, Pike. Rather thought-provoking, no?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Already tried that, B (remember my various wigs??).

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Yeah, Ginger. Me, too.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

If I understand you correctly, I had a similar thought: if you followed the conventional wisdom of being more or less perfect and not expecting to work on yourself in a relationship, you would likely be constantly going in and out of relationships - exiting a relationship to work on yourself, and re-entering it when you believed you'd resolved the issue.

I'm guessing you'd spend a lot of time at In and Out Burger (a popular fast food place where I used to live )!

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Particularly the ones in our head - right, B?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

Right, Pike. It's not a simple equation. Certainly working on yourself inside and outside a relationship are not mutually exclusive.

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

That's an interesting point about not being able to fix what we are not aware of. The author of the article "You Must Love and Fix Yourself Before Being In A Relationship?" (http://www.virtuallylove.com) says something awfully similar:

Another reason for skepticism came from my observation that lots of my psychological issues came to fore in a romantic relationship; in fact, absent such a relationship, I would have likely remained blissfully unaware of them.

Now it seems clear to me that if romantic relationships illuminate some of our otherwise hidden issues, how would we become aware of them – a necessity for actually working on them – absent such relationships?

I think it’s fairly obvious that whatever we believe or know about ourselves cannot be extricated from our interactions with others, beginning with infancy and continuing into adulthood. We learn a lot about ourselves from our relationships with our friends, classmates, teachers, parents, and so on, so I think it stands to reason that we also learn about ourselves from our lovers. Surely each relationship we have imparts its own special knowledge? Why would a romantic relationship be an exception?

So given that we learn things about ourselves through romantic relationships that we wouldn’t otherwise know, how can it be that we can cure ourselves without those relationships?

Must We Solve Most or All of Our Issues Before Entering A Relationship?

RE: Is Turn Around Fair Play?

Well, sure, it's fair. But that doesn't make it sensible.

RE: Is Turn Around Fair Play?

I don't think that one is obligated to repeat or imitate the stupid actions of others.

RE: Marriage or Live Togather? and Why

Right, Langley - investing the time in self-discovery is doubtless the most important investment of all (I almost feel a song about "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" breaking out ). My feeling is that people who are shocked by developments in their partner probably haven't taken that time (though there are likely exceptions to that). A reward of self-knowledge is recognizing the qualities of others more accurately, methinks.

RE: Marriage or Live Togather? and Why

Very nicely said, Langley.

RE: Marriage or Live Togather? and Why

While a government certification (AKA marriage license) doesn't demonstrate the soundness of a romantic relationship, it does, in principle, symbolize a more serious commitment. Saying that you prefer dating or living together is equivalent, in my view, to saying that you prefer a half-assed, non-committal kind of relationship. It seems reasonable that as with most things you get out what you've invested in something, and therefore, if you start with a half-assed commitment your investment is minimal. and so, most likely, will be your returns.

RE: Marriage or Live Togather? and Why

RE: I get amazed how most women are happier to be called HOT...

Must be the "Roosterfish" in me??

RE: I get amazed how most women are happier to be called HOT...

I have a feeling many women might call Rilly "hot" (but there would doubtless be a "head" attached).

Happy New Year, RD!

RE: I get amazed how most women are happier to be called HOT...

Thanks, G! Happy New Year to you, too, my friend.

RE: I get amazed how most women are happier to be called HOT...

When Rilly speaks of his deep respect for women, I reach for my wallet (because I suspect it may suddenly go missing).