A businessman was attending a conference in the mountains and decided he would to do some fishing and white water canoeing . So he texted his mate back home to send his fishing gear, a punt so he could catch a big`un, and a canoe so he could discover the river. The next day the was a knock at his motel and there stood a beautiful woman holding a fishing rod and a note which read, "Here`s there girl you wanted but what the hell is a panoe!"
A drunk passenger on a flight happened to be seated next to a wine connoisseur who asked the stewardess for a glass of their finest red. Upon receipt of the wine, he proceeded to do his usual sniffing and swirling and peering and sniffing and eventually tasting, finally giving the wine the green light. The drunk quite impressed by all this asked him what it all meant. The connoisseur replied that he was such an expert that he could tell the age of any drop just by the taste. "For example, the wine I have in my glass right now was made from grapes plucked 6 years ago, and grown in the south-east of France from a vine that was planted circa 1930." Wow replied the drunk. A few minutes later he leant across the seat to the connoisseur and said to him " Would you mind tasting this and tell me how old it is? " The expert took the glass happy to oblige and looked at the contents closely. " Hmm unusual color, strange aroma," then putting the glass to his lips tasted some for a moment before spitting it out. " yuk that tastes like piss" " Yes I know " said the drunk " but how old am I"
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying - a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, 'Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old'..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..
Don`t you just love stupidity? In case you thought we are thought of as having some sense of intelligence, here is a sample of instructions written on product labels.
On a Tiramisu dessert : Do not turn upside down. Written on the bottom..duh !
On a packet of peanuts: Warning contains nuts !!
On a bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. Ya think?
On a hairdryer: Do not use whilst sleeping. Hmm!
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion. Defrost!
On sleeping pills: Warning may cause drowsiness! Hope so !!
On some christmas lights: For indoor and outdoor use only. As opposed to..........
On children`s cough medicine:Do not operate machinery after taking this medication!!!
An old Italian who lived all alone wanted to plant his tomato garden, but the soil was hard and he was too old. His only son who used to help him was in prison. He decided to write to him to tell him of his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I feel terrible because I won`t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am too old to be digging soil , but I know that if you were here you would dig the plot for me and my problem would be solved. Love Papa.
He gets a response : Dear Papa, whatever you do, do not dig the back yard, that`s where I buried the bodies, Love Vinnie.
At 4 am the next morning the FBI and local police raided the old man`s house and dug up the entire yard looking for the bodies. Unable to find any they appologised to the man and left.
The next day he gets another letter.
Dear Papa, go ahead and plant the seeds now that`s the best I could do under the circumstances.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' He demanded. 'Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, Here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ... Her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either. 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers.' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?' She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the Love'o Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit !
What would I do....imagine the rush of the wind through your hair as you lift the mainsail, the swish swish swish of the waves as they lap past your bow, mother nature taking you deep into the heart of the Pacific islands, just you, the vast open expanse of the ocean and your yacht. Yeah...
easygoingguy Forum Posts (274)
Funny one Merc
RE: A good Aussie Salesman