Now I know it's Past Time For mY Meds ! Tom Diamond The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Who Knows How To Post Photos on The forum ? If anyone can give me some advcie I would appreciate it as now and then I see photos posted on threads. Thanks folks ! TD
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish. want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.
' PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where my new house?'
THIS IS GOOD ........
The fairy said 'Tough s--it, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
" A re you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Ne ver be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Hi Druidess,,,,, First off I have reviewed your profile. You have a very lengthy drawnout profile. Not mean to be nit-picking, but there seems to be more than people need to know. Because you may decide to cut down on it, I won't post particular weakness's I have spotted. I will however point out that you do advertise an Inter-Net business. Among other things just thinking that you might consider changing about 50% of the personal info. you have posted on your profile or deleting it. Being a Widow as you posted could be saved for a later meeting with a prosective date. Many people relate Widowers,Widows to be totally alone , self-independent and financially secure. The less openings you post the safer you'll be. As an example, in another Site,I discovered a woman who's profile photo also included the make model and actual License plate of her pick-up! I sent her an e-mail and she deleted that photo very fast. Sincerely TDThanks for your advice in my threads.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far bet ter lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
Diamond123 Forum Posts (460)
boy did I ever open myself up,,,,,,,,
Now I know it's Past Time For mY Meds !
Now I know it's Past Time For mY Meds !Tom Diamond
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?