You must read this...a proper decision by the courts...for a change.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLiDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us! -----------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us! -----------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us! ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us ! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and. went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us! ----------------------------------------------------------------- While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
Dumb as a box of Rocks A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sweetowen have a wonderful birthday and many happy and healthy more.Wishing you also a great trip and visist. Remember we need to see pictures and hear all the details
I was stopped by a cop for making a U-turn. He told me I will let you go if you promise me you will never make another u-turn. I said; "Officer I promise that I will never make another u-turn, when I know You are watching" He laughed so hard he let me go.
New tricks to watch out for when using your credit card anywhere
SCENE 1.
This is a new one.
People sure stay busy trying to cheat us, don't they?
A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, 'Funny,I thought I locked the locker. Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order. Everything looked okay - all cards were in place.
A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000! He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions. Customer care personnel verified that there was no Mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen.
'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep - you guessed it - a switch had been made. An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet. The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.
Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.
A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card. The bill for the meal came, he signed it,and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the card along. Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person. He called the waitress and she looked perplexed. She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under thewatchful eye of the man.
All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card. No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology.
Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.
Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time. Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming' that it has to be theirs.
Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in. I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly to my checking account. The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure.
While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing. I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on. It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing.
set his phone on the counter, leaving it open. About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved. Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card.
Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened. Needless to say, I immediately canceled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlor.
All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times. Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.
Be aware of cell phones, because many have a cameras in their phones these days.
: Mental age assessment.........are you able to do this test?........
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10 This is for cat. 11 This is forty cat. 12 This is seconds cat.
go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
............... 11. One of the following sentences given below means approximately the same as the proverb: "Don't count your chickens until they are hatched." Choose the one: Some eggs have double yolks, so you can"t really count eggs and chickens. You can"t walk around the henhouse to count the eggs because it will disturb the hens and they won"t lay eggs. It is not really sensible to rely on something that has not yet happened and may not ever happen. Since eggs break so easily, you may not be accurate in your count of future chickens.
12. There are 1200 elephants in a herd. Some have pink and green stripes, some are all pink and some are all blue. One third are pure pink. Is it true that 400 elephants are definitely blue? Yes No
13. Which word of four letters can be added to the front of the following words to create other English words? CARD BOX CODE BAG HASTE
14. Following the pattern shown in the number sequence below, what is the missing number? 1 8 27 ? 125 216
36 45 46 64 99
15. What is the following word when it is unscrambled? H C P R A A T E U
16. Which same three-letter word can be placed in front of the following words to make a new word? SIGN, DONE, DUCT, FOUND, FIRM, TRACT, DENSE
17. The same word can be added to the end of GRASS and the beginning of SCAPE to form two other English words?
18. What is the word coiled inside this circle? N G O E R R T S
19. Only one other word can be made from all the letters of INSATIABLE. Can you find it?
20. Which vowel comes midway between J and T? A E I O U
Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my finance, Clotille, is still a virgin - in every vay.'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an impressive work of art and engineering.
Boudreaux mentions none of this to Clotille, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.
That night in the motel room, Clotille slowly open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen deez.'
Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,
Life in the 1500 your going to love this.....now you know where these sayings came from
How it came about.
Life in the 1500's You're gonna love this. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's Most people got married in June beause they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty goodby June. However, they were starting to smell, so the brides carried a bouquet of flowersto hide the body odor, hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the priviledge of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty that you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Houses had thatched rooves, thick straw piled high with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs and cats and other small animals(mice and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house either. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where the bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection and that's how the canopy came into existance.
Enjoying your education?
Sometimes pork was obtained, which made the family feel quite special. When visitors would come over, they would hang up there bacon to show that the man of the house could"bring home the bacon". They would cut off little pieces to share and everyone would sit around "chewing the fat"
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got themiddle and the guests the top or "the upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for several days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would eat and drink while waiting to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folk started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up the coffins and take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these about one in twnty five had scratch marks on the inside. They realised they were burying people alive, so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Then someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell. Therefore someone could be "saved by the bell" or was a "dead ringer". Whoever said history was boring?
clever little kid................... Thread: AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION...............
A young italian boy decides that it is time for confession...so he goes to the local church and sits in the confession box. moments later, the priest slides open the window and waits....
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
I had lost this one when my computer crashed so I Googled it and sure enough there she was. Therefore I believe this is a true story. Yeah good pay-back indeed. Sure would have loved to see her face the next morning.
Mildred the church self appointed monitor of the church morals.....she got it served right back
Mildred, the church gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.........and left it there all night.
Atheist holyday.................
Subject: ATHEIST HOLYDAY, you will love this
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY.!!!
You must read this...a proper decision by the courts...for a change.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLiDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!