(I didn't write this, but I couldn't resist not sharing it with you all.)
God Talks to St. Francis: GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, with stand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of song birds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for ustonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Yes kitty Barren is right your digging into it too deep here. The Mormons at my mom's home told me to pray and ask God if the book of Mormon was the right book, (not asking about the Bible) but the book of Mormon and if Jozef Smidt was a true prophet. On my flight back to Canada I received my first answer.......NO!
That same week I met others who showed me the way to Jesus.
I tell you a little story. I lived in S. California and moved back to Canada in '79. I found a cottage next to the the big house. A new roof was put on the cottage. It was heated by an oil stove. In the winter this oil stove had to be cleaned out once a months. In Vancouver it rains a lot. For some unexplained reason there was a leak in the roof right above the toilet. Yes a new roof with a leak. It is funny today, but believe you me, it was not then. One day I came home tired and found the cottage cold as the oil heater had gone out. Forgotten to order oil in time. So here I am tired and cold!
A scripture popped into my head; I came to give you life and give it more abundantly. I lost it! I slammed my hand on the sofa and yelled; If this is the abundant life, Jesus You can have it back!
The Lord was soooo impressed by my outburst......Not!, that two days later I am having coffee with a go-worker when she said; I think of renting out my basement suite. Really? The Lord was not at all impressed by my anger at Him, but it had more to do with my prayer from the heart! As I said earlier, be honest! If you are not sure if He cares or whatever it is that is bothering you, Tell Him this, tell the truth about how you feel. He won't strike you dead, I promise!
Lord I don't understand You, I have prayed and You are not listening, not answering me, are You on vacation? Not Orthodox perhaps, but it comes from my heart and He understands this.
He knows your heart and it is okay even when you are angry with Him or upset. There is nothing to be scared about as He will Not strike you dead no matter what you say or do! He seeks honesty not fancy words. Talk to Him like a friend put Him in the chair next to you. Tell Him the same as what you have said here.
Words at times like this sound so inadequate. We watch the things going on in Australia here on the TV. I heard yesterday that fire fighters from BC are on their way. I am sure others from other states, prov. and countries will follow. We want you guys to know we are here with you in spirit. My condolences to those who lost lives from family and or pets. It is too difficult to comphrehend the magnitude of it all. God be with you and may this horror soon come to and end.
Computer Tech Support This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it....
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red.. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
Can the romantic part of a person be cloned? The one that I have in mind could use just a bit more. Not bad in the romance dept. but could use a few pointers The one I have in mind is good with work etc.
For myself I wish to get some intelligent cells Barren. I am much to naive and gullable. Not alway quick on the trigger lol Not dumb, but at times slow on the uptake. This is partly because I don't posses a suspicious mind. I ought to get one though. Aww probable too late now.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage
I do believe Barren mentioned he did have dimmers. Boy I was never fanatic about cleaning but did better in the pasr. I do like things neat, clean and tiddy and am doing my best. Now I say; Work stays in the world but we don't..........?
Just read your profile you seem like a very nice guy. Your poem shows that you have been hurt. I am sorry about that. Keep reading the forum as it shows you a lot about people how they interact with others etc. Have a look at blogs I think you will like what you will read there. Why the negative name trailertrash. If you want to change this you will have to re-register, I hope you will.
What a breath of fresh air you are Barren and yes your lady love is to be envied. You are sooo into pleasing her it is remarkable. Well YOU know who is sooo much into himself it is pityfull. Pittyful as he himself can not see it, and I know he never will. Just don't lose yourself Barren!
You have been given good advise by the other women. I used to be much more of a neat freak, I gave a lot of it up once I realized that work stays in the world but I don't.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
The origional plan was a very good one...we should have stuck with it.....
(I didn't write this, but I couldn't resist not sharing it with you all.)God Talks to St. Francis:
GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, with stand drought and multiply with abandon.
The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of song birds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.
Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord.
They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight.
They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.
It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for ustonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.