I just do not understand the level of hurt that is required to sully whatever it is that two others share. When I see two people happily embarking on such a joyous development I am humbled to know in my heart that what at some points in life seem unatainable can be imagined yet and taken to heart. Nothing brings me happiness more than when there is success delineated or proposed between others. It is a beacon to draw forth our own spirits to engage in the dance we have turned our backs on. A healing and testament to what may be if we only believe. Sadly from the experiences that many have had to endure for sharing their jubilance there are far too few examples to guide those who have yet to wet their feet. It makes it all the more hopeless for those who cannot see the victories and blessings of two lives made whole. The worst oddity is that the vampires are almost never those who speak in terms that indicate they do not believe in any possibility of success, but rather those who yet seem to have hope and faith. And I believe that the depth of horror comes from seeing those whom we may have cheered on in their own quests suddenly turn to another couple's impending harmony and infiltrate it with their own doubts. In fact for myself I was commended and praised publicly and derided and defiled in private. The confusion from this made me all the more aware that sometimes those with the biggest smile are just trying to lull their prey into a false sense of security and are often the worst predators.
Those truthfully seeking something more in their lives in the way of Love have a decided advantage through this sort of discourse, that is more difficult to attain in real life. I believe that because of the 'limitations' you have to provide more of yourself to others rather than allow sheer magnetism, charisma and the intangibles of physical presence to garner a second look. Our pictures might draw the eye of some few who can see clearer or hope deeper than others, but our words are expressions more complex than what typically occurs in natural face to face discourse. Of course we have threads based on the weather and other casual topics, mainly for fun or to vent frustrations, but there are always a plethora of threads that will drive you to know more of yourself through participation. In getting to know one's self we often see what we find in others of a similar mind and this is the sort of thing that true relationships of worth can be built on. Our eyes may be the primary sense we rely on but here we are forced to use all of our being to best filter out what we are actually seeing. In doing so it is possible to work through in a much shorter time frame many of the things that inherently destroy relationships that never sought deep enough for the truth in both ourselves and in others. Sure a few casual words strung together can attract a person but there is always the post listing to check in to to see what else has come from this mind that intrigues us to check the mindset or moral view that this person has. It is a form of cheating I suppose as in life if we were to check into the conversations between someone we are interested in that they had with others where we were not involved it would engender defeat of purpose and likely create ill will. Here it is common and expected.
I my own case I left this site bereft of reason and rife with betrayal from persons to whom I had foolishly believed lay the kernel or more of endearing friendship. I am unsure and uninterested in what the others gained or are left with as I know that the 50% of my trust that they expended was enough to keep them at arm's length until they have discontinued such compromise in their own lives. At that point who knows there always remains a seed of positive that initially drew us together as friends and perhaps it could be watered. I refuse to let go of the belief in the intrinsic harmony of humanity even against all the odds. Fortunately after I left this site I maintained a very deep conncection through other mediums of discourse and have not lost my friend to whom my feelings seemed to attract the flies to our honey. A temporary setback but to this day there is the same commerce of contact and more of the endless possibilities and promises of life than I imagined could endure and grow into what it is today. At least until tomorrow when it will have exceeded all my dreams of today of course.
This has much more to do with my own personal experience but I can see how it can be misconstrued to incorporate many others as it does seem to have a life of its own here. If anyone sees this as a personal assault upon their own experiences I am truly sorry. I am merely seeking some sort of solace from my own wounds inflicted in these very forums a year ago. Once again no names need be mentioned victims know who they are as well as perpetrators.
My last name is a testament to a man I have never seen in any way as a father or a man worthy of having his name continue through my life. I would gladly take the woman I Love's name as it has not lost any semblance of what should be recognized as a surname of honour and pride. I guess it would depend on the situation but I would never force my last name upon anyone willing or unwilling. If they chose to forgo their own I would likewise not object and in doing so perhaps regain some semblance of meaning for a word that to me has lost all meaning.
All too often we hear and witness (to great dismay) the discord that plagues any part of the joy that inseminates what it is that we all supposedly seek here and in life. Why is it that a single person has less appeal than one to whom there is given attention of a positive sort? Is it fear of watching the possibilities of life pass one by? Is it jealousy? Malice? Confusion? Mutual Attraction that unfortunately occurs at the inception of another’s possibilities? Is there a wrong doer? Is there truly a presupposed competition that must be engaged in?
Of course differing aspects of a person will attract others at times but when there seems to be a blossoming of Love in the air why is it that it is so often attacked as if to absorb its essence? Is the “intruder” truly seeking what they desire in another or feeding off what is growing?
I believe from all the past occurrences that I have had the great misfortune to witness here and in real life, that it is a form of psychic vampirism. Wherein the contender is drawn (consciously or subconsciously) to feed off the life blooming before them. They have somehow lost their own ability to Love and are starving for some part of this loss to be filled. In doing so they seek to implicate themselves in the richest evidence of this loss they perceive in themselves, much to the dismay of the couple walking the first steps of the most tenuous of journeys, and likewise those to whom this vision is a testament to what they themselves desire with all their hearts.
Psychic Vampirism avails none of the individuals anything of merit and leaves the emptiness all that much more real. Eating pictures of food will gain you needed fibre but nothing else of any lasting sort except the misery of pretentious victory and assurance that no one gets ahead in a game which they feel themselves the most worthy competitor. Grand sabotage of this sort cripples the entirety of human experience and seeks to enforce solitude upon the masses for fear of attracting these leeches who will eat all of worth in a heart and turn from the corpse to find fresh pastures when the victuals cease to flow.
I do not see this a any sort of Curse on Cs but it has been replayed ad nauseum by far too many vultures who prefer a warm corpse to the faces of the dead who have lost their own hearts or the will to seek life. We are all humans and share common ground yet we seek to dismantle what we do not have for fear of being left truly alone rather than lift ourselves on the wings of chance to seek with Hope Faith and Love that which alone can sate our being.
Is it intentional or merely preprogrammed into our desperation to free ourselves from solitary confinement in the one prison that endures and weathers all storms- the heart?
I am very curious and am not pointing out any part of what has occurred herein as it has already played its hand and win or lose there have been far too many witnesses to these tragedies, and few too many successes against this rapine plunder of the real treasures of life.
Please do not bring personal experiences here where they can be attacked and continued, it is not for that purpose that I ask this. Thank You.
Most likely this young man is interested in the purely visual stimuli accorded to a relationship and is seeking others of a like mind to share pictures for which he does not wish to pay a men's magazine for. And also a suitable audience to view his own.
Hello sweetheart I trust last night has come and gone and that your heart knows best the truth of the matter? All is well but for the ruckus and tilted pictures on the wall so I do believe that the making of Shepherd's pie is still on the menu. Loyalty lies in the heart not the words of a man and in that particular heart the world has found new colours inspired from you. The paintings are magnificent and more real than reality itself.
Outside of the resonance of this thread's intention I would like to add to the construct of lying.
Lies are the substance by which we as people create the bastions and ramparts of the fortresses, which unnecessarily 'protect' us from the world around us. Each lie we tell requires more and more lies to substantiate the ideal. When this twisted skein is applied to those around us they require as much work to maintain as another entire life. Eventually the person birthing these fictitious views is so overwhelmed by the pressures of this new 'life' that they lose their original one. By now so much effort and constant work has been applied to the fortress of illusion that we live in, that we cannot abide the loss of our life's great work, when it begins to crumble as it inevitably will. First one crossed wire in the web, then another, then the panic stricken frenzy of trying to realign the 'truths'. The multitude of bandages applied to the castle can no longer support the fragile foundation and the keep comes crumbling down. Despair sets in as the 'life' created falls to pieces despite the most valiant attempts to rebuild the crumbling edifice. This despair is no less real than any other despair, because even though the fictional house of cards we applied as our front to the world was never really there, the resources required to create it were real nonetheless. Now the person has a choice to abandon the fraudulent for reality. Human nature and the pride associated with it, make a subtle attempt to assure the person that they can do better next time, after all if at first you do not succeed, try, try again. The truly wise abandon the course of deceit, but then again life is all but over when the true course of wisdom arrives at one's doorstep. Most often the repentant learn a few new tricks to the art of misconstruction, and sets sail for new lands in which to build glass houses more resistant to the stones of truth. If this is the course chosen, as is sadly to be expected of most, the person gradually becomes a shadow of their former self as the energy allotted to a person's life divided by two (or more) makes each fragment not truly whole in any way. The whole person has a fair chance of living life to its fullest, the fragmented, none at all. The liar ends up with nothing, but the sands of their ‘lives’, which slip constantly between fingers, made of frail shadow. The only means to the end of such despair is the creation of yet more illusions, to the point of the loss of the liar to all who once knew them. A burden the liar never intended for themselves in the first place nor the loss they envisioned for the living they leave behind. A very lonely sort of wasting created by the grey lies that burn in the light of truth at every dawn.
Back to the thread I likewise have a sister who suffered much of the same traumatic childhood yet in her lies the polar opposite of my own self and the two cannot coexist in the same place for long without negatively impacting each other or one devouring the other. I have fought much too long and hard to allow this loss of who I am and she has fought equally hard and long to maintain her own incarnation. I do miss my sister but she is lost and only through her own course, a trail I cannot follow in my heart.
I will attest to this as she even refused a brand new car for but one picture of her standing ankle deep in a simple puddle. The mystery of women is far beyond me...
Human rights much like most forms of altruism are dominated by those who manage our personal and physical environments. The greater the ideal the higher up the food chain of the machine runs the control. Human rights are a catch phrase that generalizes what each of us needs as if we were all the same. The high ad low ends melded together in the middle to subsume the entirely of the populace excluding the ones who run the show of course. After a period of such control it is often used as a carrot to dandle from a stick to ensure compliance and continued support. The Powers That Be determine the ability to have any connection to human rights and in fact define the ideal and redefine it at their whim to goad those lacking such intrinsic basics into a well maintained flock from which they exist.
The price of Love is the only thing that no matter how much one has, if they refuse to pay it they will lose everything that really matters. As money cannot buy Love the currency is more valuable and should be spent on what it is intended for. Food stamps cannot buy you a vacation any more than the tokens of Love be used for anything other than Love.
Who is to stand in the way of a thief who has been given the grace of a beautiful and pure heart? Not this man, especially when in truth the safety of the woman in such noble company could never for a second be put in question. I but stand back and guard against the watchful eyes of louts more scurilous than our magnificent band and leader of course. Oh yeah and keep to the shadows on the odd chance that some of what you share can be witnessed and learned from, but I never said that out loud... or did I?
Oh I do agree but to deprive yourself of time (as it is the only currency to which we can in truth lay any claim) with the woman of your dreams? Are ye daft man...? Get up with her and make her task as difficult as possible. Imagine the endless possibilities her unaware posture can portent? How long does it take to make bread when you are actively seeking to delay said reward in the face of other more tantalizing morsels that present themselves with a heart-shaped bottom bent over looking in the lowest shelf for a pan? (You do intend to keep the pans on the bottom right? Please say you have thought this through to this degree man! I know your passionate heart but do not let the delicate aroma of the bread dissuade you from the real goals here). I am not overly fond of the mechanically induced bread myself but there is now way that the woman of my dreams would be left unattended in a kitchen rife with odours formulated so carefully to create such a rise in desire. Especially if attired in her birthday suit. The time spent in the act is lovely and a most noble recompense of course but solitary actions are not engendering of true reciprocation. The lubrication of the heart and soul are greatly inspired by the lubrication of other more appealing aspects of the female anatomy. A caress here, a whisper there, the slightest glancing stroke across a curve, a sweep of unkempt hair from eyes that struggle against burning desire, to complete such a laour of Love. These are all worthy additions to the recipe my friend. And the culmination of the full bellies and sated hearts coupled with the sweat of a wonderful morning will not only cure the blues but provide a bounce to your step for the duration of whatever callous tasks draw you apart for reason of necessity.
This thread was not concocted to allow myself to air only my own insecurities. I have had a lifetime and a very serious approach to disabling my own ambiguities. I am seeking first and foremost a means to transcend the insecurities of others so that they may find all that lies outside their burnished towers and find reason to tread forth from their own labrynthian prisons. I have seen the ideals and examples of abandonment yet I have only read a few (very profound and healthy) means of overcoming this debilitation. Please offer more along the path to healing as there can never be enough of that and I do know that there lies more wisdom herein than I have seen in this thread. Please.
I agree and PPV you should change your list immediately to indicate that a woman with a bread maker is what you are indeed seeking, as it will leave both of you warm and snug entangled in each other's arms for a much lengthier period. Besides waking up cold and alone is no reward for the smell of fresh bread man. Let the machine do the work and you can both exult in the rewards of extra sleep (or activity depending on the consistency of morning wood of course) and then sate your bellies with the sumptuous loaf that will certainly draw the both of you from your heated bed.
Please show me a single fact of Love? I rather believe this topic has more clarity as it is part of a dating forum, yet it has profound depth that will ascertain the veracity and worth of other "inconclusive" realms of thought as well by removing the structured barriers that disbelief tend to mold over all thought for compliance and conformity. No matter how long you spend with someone, no matter if you have never been apart for a single instance you will never know what lies in their heart to the degree of certainty that science demands to push it past the theory state to a fact. In doing so we greatly devalue reason, and lessen the things that truth and altruism require of us to best fulfill our lives. If I were to allow such a pigeon-holed perspective to dominate my mind I would have to settle on Love being merely something which I alone can give as I can not prove one way or another if any other person is capable in even the slightest degree.
Life is oft times the harshest Lover but I do Love her in all her glory. The Spirit is indomitable as long as we allow it to continue to reside within our hearts. If I allowed what has been ripped from me to define the life before me then I have at best failed myself and at worst failed everyone I Love. I hold my children in my heart where they are safe from all that the world can throw at them, I pray to have some simple opportunity to do more but never will anything but the cold clammy hands of death remove that last vestige of Hope for their lives. Their presence in such a miniscule organ is evidenced by the tears I shed daily for their loss, not only to myself but their own loss grievously and selfishly placed in their lives by miserable humans shorn of all that Love offers. The more I keep my children in my heart the more tears are displaced, and it is in this eternal flow that I can see the memories and dreams we once shared together that now can only be together in the whirlpools and eddys of time and Hope. Not one day passes that I do not pray that their mothers find themselves if only for the sanctity of our children's lives. It is never too late and I have already initiated this effort by forgiving both myself and them for whatever it was that led us down this dreary path.
Rest assured that it is only when you can no longer cry that defeat is absolute. In our tears we can clearly see our life and that alone is worth the loss of salt.
Often the worst things in one's life provide an opportunity for the best. I would not wish this upon my own worst enemy or a stranger but for me I have managed to become who I am through this and all of the other challenges of my life. Even bereft of choice or any sort of control I can still take from what happened what I choose. My father was an absolute tyrant of whom I could not even imagine a single person in his life that was not terrified of him in all ways. He provided me with all the lessons on how to be a man by thinking carefully of what he would have done and doing the complete opposite. Of course this is a rather limited perspective and one that does not always work as the opposites of his actions, deeds and thoughts are often in contention with right as well but it did give me a solid foundation from which I have and will always be able to sort through my life. Direction from a demon of a man of sorts that has ensured that in no way would I ever have even the simplest of connections with im beyond whatever physical attributes I gained from his DNA. I am my own man and am truly proud of who I am and who I have become through my own very personal fire of tempering. It was always my choice to take from this what I chose and I wouldn't change a thing because I do believe I am much better for my decisions.
I learned respect out of fear by realizing that all he ever managed to have was fear, and it was this blunt force trauma that allowed me at a very early age to recognize the differences, between a man and a human. I choose to be a man and strive always to maintain that path in defiance to his end, and more importantly for the welfare of my life and any who manage to cross it.
My life has been one series of endless abandonments and yet I stand here (or sit here rather) full of trust and Hope and Faith, and of course Love. If any part of my being can infect my children it is in this durability that I pray for any solace to envelop them.
As many of you have borne witness to my attitude of positive belief I have countered that with something I posted the first time I was here just to show the depths that one can rise from to regain oneself.
And yet through all of this and what it bred in my life I still see the best possible light ahead of me. It has not been easy but I do believe in the rewards being equal to the obstacles and tribulations.
A little boy of five Somewhere between my two son's ages Is brought up in his loving father's arms To bed Kissed and tucked in for the night Safe from the outside world His father lies beside him and holds his son Soon the two are close enough to share their heat The little boy is suddenly pushed onto his face Gently, but firmly and feels something strange It begins to hurt And he starts to cry The pain overwhelms his mind He clutches his pillow tight Tears and tiny screams It is over The boy lies bleeding Sobbing Alone
The pain is with him for the next few days And his father is somehow different The boy knows by the looks he gets And he feels as if he did something wrong A little time passes With a bit of healing No more blood Again his father brings him to bed Again the horrible feelings And the pain And the blood His father leaves him Alone Sobbing The cycle repeats itself The boy can remember the smell of his father's breath on his neck The animal grunting drowning his own cries The course touch of his hands Directing his tiny hands to his father's private place The swelling of his manhood And the pain it will bring The pattern begins to fill the boy with dread of night He prays that no one will come at night Sometimes he hears his father come up the stairs But thankfully something keeps him away In the morning his sister has the look His tiny little sister
Alone Sobbing The children fear the night The boy retreats into the darkness of his crawlspace Sometimes it is enough His father goes away But his sister suffers instead Occasionally he is found And dragged from his safety And filled with his father's love The coarseness of his beard burns Leaving marks he is sure will be seen No one notices anything No one says anything No one helps The boy is alone His sister is alone The boy grows older and begins to resist his fate Fighting back only gets him hurt more Beatings begin to occur in the day Sacred day where safety always lay Now becomes as frightening as the night Now as scary a place as the dark Nowhere to run Nowhere to turn His mother oblivious to his fate Father tells him it is for his own good And that it is what all fathers do To teach their sons to become men Years of this horror Shut the boy's mind down His father's game grows more obscene His manhood forced into his mouth And wet fluid spewn across his face On his back On his chest Scrubbing will not remove the smell Or the feel The taste mars all he eats He cannot wash it out
The little boy grows up He is now twelve Having endured the beatings and his father's love For far too long He wishes he were dead He prays to God to kill him Or do anything to him Just make his father's love go away His sister has withdrawn within herself And no longer has friends His mother's eyes are empty Cold Alone Blind Rage is replacing some of the fear But the little boy cannot do what his mind demands The conflict always gets him hurt And rewarded with his caresses One day he lashes out and beats his father Trying with all his heart to kill him His father lies broken and bloody Soaking into the pillows of his bed He is free His father is dead Sobbing Unknowing His father's eyes open And he smiles The boy's mind shatters as he runs away Never is he touched again Physically Privately His sister is the sole recipient of his father's love Her precious time alone While dad was loving his son Is not there to give her mind a break Her attention becomes constant She is lost Gone Empty Authorities come They take the father away in chains He is gone for a while And then returns He is sent away The father is gone The boy cries He has ruined his father His mother is lost His sister is crying Their family is alone
If I attempt to regain any sort of contact even though it is court mandated it turns into misery for my children and everyone involved. When I removed the mothers (two of them) from my life I completely removed them. I do not attempt to carry any part of who they are with me and have no interest in continuing any sort of semblance of what once was. This affects their self-esteem to the point that they become exceptionally malicious and harmful. Both of these women are drug addicts and alcoholics amongst other less printable things. I have had a Molotov cocktail placed on my doorstep to remind me to stay away from my children. I have had a monster of a human who could literally have wrapped his fingers about my chest with one hand come to my town from Montreal to bury me, until I met with him and answered his reams of endless questions to his satisfaction. Oh yeah he was a member of the Hell's Angels and not one who just rides for the grace of the road. I have had uncountable threats of destruction of my home from guns and fire, even when my children are present. My children are emotionally tortured and made terrified of the men in their lives with increasing correspondence to my attempts to see them in any way. I have been accosted by at least two dozen drug dealers in the past 5 years due to attempts to see my children. I have had my job threatened with accusations that I would do not wish to print here. My home has bee destroyed, as in looted and ransacked multiple times with my property being stolen or smashed in response to a weekend with my children. My daughter is now controlled by a steady stream of illicit drugs and free alcohol from her mother. This increases with any contact from me. My youngest son has been told repeatedly that I am dead and the horror is too much to bear in his eyes when he sees me again just to have his life torn asunder a few weeks later when I refuse to give my ex money to go out and party (I already pay child support and have never missed a payment). I have spent 70 thousand dollars in court and have won rights but they are fragile when it comes to the well being of my children and the endless games of these two women. I could go on and on listing literally hundreds of occurences but I think this explains well enough.
Sommer, I know of what you speak from our own conversations and I am just overwhelmed that even though this weight buried you in waves and oceans of introspection, you have come out stronger and oddly more pliant and endearing than you would ever have imagined. A testament to success that will grace every aspect of your wonderful life for every day you grace us with your eternal victory dance.
I likewise have three children to whom I am refused even the smallest contact. I understand exactly how you feel and have only Faith Hope and Love to comfort me through this seemingly endless loss. The only blessing in all of this bleakness is that I have to hold firm to the belief that when they grow they will seek me out in some way and that at that latter date I can somehow make up for some of the lost time or at least be there if they need me in any way.
BarrenPneuma Forum Posts (1,561)
The CS Curse? Or Psychic Vampirism?
I just do not understand the level of hurt that is required to sully whatever it is that two others share.When I see two people happily embarking on such a joyous development I am humbled to know in my heart that what at some points in life seem unatainable can be imagined yet and taken to heart.
Nothing brings me happiness more than when there is success delineated or proposed between others. It is a beacon to draw forth our own spirits to engage in the dance we have turned our backs on. A healing and testament to what may be if we only believe.
Sadly from the experiences that many have had to endure for sharing their jubilance there are far too few examples to guide those who have yet to wet their feet. It makes it all the more hopeless for those who cannot see the victories and blessings of two lives made whole.
The worst oddity is that the vampires are almost never those who speak in terms that indicate they do not believe in any possibility of success, but rather those who yet seem to have hope and faith. And I believe that the depth of horror comes from seeing those whom we may have cheered on in their own quests suddenly turn to another couple's impending harmony and infiltrate it with their own doubts.
In fact for myself I was commended and praised publicly and derided and defiled in private. The confusion from this made me all the more aware that sometimes those with the biggest smile are just trying to lull their prey into a false sense of security and are often the worst predators.