Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live." Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10." Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?" The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
A gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score. One hundred percent would have been a perfect score, but he received a 200%! How was this possible? So he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor said, "Well, you got 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
See Merky, you are just looking at it the wrong way. You already have a boat and are sitting in it with other able bodied rowers. It is just a matter of finding a direction and setting sail.
If you get a glass or plastic watering device with a ball and a slender tube and fill it with water and stick it upside down in the soil of the plant pot it waters itself. As the soil dries it releases oxygen which travels up the tube and replaces the water with pressure. Then your plants will last a few months at least or you could just fill the watering device again and keep them indefinitely. There are also self contained biospheres for sale that can last up to ten years with no help or harm from your not so green thumb.
Lela you know this will never work right? How many times have any scammers even checked your profile? Besides with you explaining your contortionism hobby you will be hard pressed for the next month to even scroll through all the newly inspired hopefuls. Wishful thinking and at least along a good line.
Yup! Just checked she's on the list. If anyone sees her nearing a plant report her to 1-800-SAVE-THE-TREES or 1-866-KEEP-EM-GREEN She is a class 5 threat so please do not tarry else your neighbourhood will be defoliated.
Merky young lady it is best not to look out the window and see the roadkill. Leprechauns who sell their pots of gold for self-esteem always fall short, and tend to wander highways blindly until stuck by oncoming traffic. I just wonder with all the targets she paints that they wasn't a 20-car pile up to nail this one.
Thank you for all the lovely emails. I know she is a lunatic and has done this before to others. Of course you are free to report her but i will not do so myself as truly vipers are not worth the effort. Surprising how many have endured her bite and have less use for her than I?
She is enduring the longest incarceration in CS Guantanamo ever recorded to my knowledge. I am begining to wonder if they have misplaced her diminutive self. She may be hiding behind one of the tins of water or a loaf of bread. Someone should bake her a cake with a file in it. I do know she is alright though as she manages to maintain contact through carrier pigeon or is that email? I always get those two mixed up. Email her if you need to hear from her. She could use the extra reading the dim lights in her cell are begining to affect her eyes and she needs to work them out.
Well then you should keep the birds out of your house.
Look I know you do not like me and I really could not care less but please if you have nothing to add to the thread OP then by all means take your attitude elsewhere or bring it to email where we can have a good laugh at your foolishness.
I appreciate your words Jan but I can assure you there is no weight issue that could sway any part of my Love for her. She is perfect just as she is each and every day of her life. I am concerned about how this issue affects her. I will support her one way or the other no questions asked. I met her as she is and if there were some underlying issue as you imagine here I would have wandered off to 'greener' pastures long ago without batting an eyelash backwards. Of course this would assume I was shallow enough to believe that something so petty would make or break a woman. Which I assure you I do not. Much of what I have written here is being taken out of context as it is directed towards specific posts. I do not understand this issue and am merely seeking a further education as to its depth or cause, reason or effect. I have never even asked her how much she weighs, her clothes size or anything even remotely similar as I do not see her like that and it does not matter in the least to me. I Love her and if she was in an accident that disfigured her (God forbid) I would still Love her the same. She knows i Love her and that is all that matters really. I was just asking what the deal is with this subject as it confuses me. I have heard it from friends before but never in a way that explained it more in a contrary way that exposed concern. I am sorry you feel that I believe otherwise but it is not in my hands to determine your beliefs, nor would I of course. I like your mind just the way it is.
Not just all looks and brains my friend but rather a complete package that should terrify the younglings about for fear of their demise from the sheer exhaustion of trying to keep up.
And what's wrong with comic books? Really what is wrong with them?
Seriously there are far different comic books out there than you imagine. Try this Doc...
download a program called bittorrent run it on your computer dowload a program called cdisplay go to thepiratebay.com search for Promethea dowmload this wait for it to finish downloading right click on it (at the bottom of the torrent program) and remove it from the list find a folder named downloads in your documents (commonly referred to as My documents- even though they are not mine) open the first issue and revel in the glory of one of the finest comic books ever written to empower women. The writer has won many awards only seen by book authors for his comic work. After this try Sandman (another genius author) Preacher for raw humour and amazing story telling Hellblazer for what it should have been like (rather than that horrible movie) Fables (for the twisted child in all of us) etc... Email me for a list of worthwhile authors then search away. Say goodbye to free time though.
You wouldn't be on the plane long with your attitude. No chute either. Crack jokes about yourself but try to keep your idiocy to a dull murmur as it infects people like a disease. Hope you had a good nap btw.
I agree about the minimalizing of course but the root of the issue is where the problem originates and should be plucked. Not by me of course as this is not my garden but by her. The strength required to do this is in her hands but mine is their to support her through it if she goes this path. If not then my strength is there regardless.
Truthfully I am seeking an understanding of this issue. I know it is real but I have no idea how it affects someone. I do not want her to be hurt in any way. Life will do things that hurt her I am sure but not from my hand if I can prevent it. Very good input here so far and it gives me some introspection to the issue.
I agree. The worst part is that I cannot see the problem at all. She looks ravishing every day and I have no idea what she is talking about. I understand it is real to her and therefore needs to be addressed in some fashion. But it is not something I have much understanding of. I am sure she will be fine of course as there can be no lies from the eyes, and she knows I can't lie to her anyway. Damn, I bought her a gift and she asked me what it was and I told her without even hesitating. If it was wrapped I would have unwrapped it before I knew what I was doing. One look from her and my resolve melts away. If this was an issue for me she would know and she knows that it is not. Does not make it any less real though as it bothers her. She is active like an athlete and since her surgery she has been slowed down. I feel it may be more the lack of energy than any weight issue that harasses her wonderful mind. We will fix that in no time though at her pace.
Then you've come to the right place my friend. Here you only talk to the computer. Or post to the public in forums. There are no women to talk to until you are ready to speak with one of them. They are most pleasant of course and will inspire you to find the ways to reach out to them. Seriously though just take your time and be who you are. Faking some over-puffed chest and machisimo will get you busted in no time flat. They are much smarter than anyone has ever let you in on and can smell lies a mile away. Besides being shy can be quite attractive to the right one. Good luck
BarrenPneuma Forum Posts (1,561)
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Jokes
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."