There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .
After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.
The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons were missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"
Two friends are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and then throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a 40 miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a father who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the father and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The father simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the father asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The father nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the father again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The father nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic child you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the father... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her."
Success can be defined as merely getting up one more time than they knock you down. Of course, if your prior 'dates' have been knocking you down, perhaps you have been selecting the wrong men. Then again, if they all knocked you up, that wouldn't be good either.
I love his warped mind. Here are a few of his short jokes;
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Everywhere is walking distance.. if you have the time.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
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