mcradloff Poetry (529)

He lived long ago
He stood about fifteen feet tall
He had a pumpkin for a head
His body was the color of dead pumpkin vines
He lived in a castle
It was surrounded by a moat
The moat was filled with the bones of boys and girls
The king was so afraid he had the giant shakes
So did most of the people in the kingdom
A simple potato farmer was gathering potatoes
His son was helping too
Though he was so fat he had to roll to get around
All of a sudden the pumpkin giant came for the boy
The farmer threw a potato and it lodged in the giant's throat
The Pumpkin Giant choked to death
The head was cut off and made into a play thing for the boy
He broke it one day and the following spring
Pumpkin Giant heads appeared by the hundreds all over his field
None opened their mouths
The farmer had nothing to feed his family
So the son in desperation ate some of the giant head
It was delicious
The mother made some into pumpkin pies
The king smelled the pies as he happened by
He had some after his knights tried it first to be sure it was safe
He knighted the farmer on the spot for killing the Pumpkin Giant
The farmer's son ended up marrying the daughter
And they all lived happily ever after

If I were president here's what I would do
Make drugs legal and the drinking age 18 too
I would get out of Afghanistan and Iraq
I would give the Iraqis their oil back
It would be legal to not wear a seatbelt across my pants
I would make it legal to not have car insurance
People could talk on cell phones in their cars without a fine
I would get rid of income tax so I could go out and dine
My stance on abortion would be it's none of the government's business
My stance on guns would be keep them locked up so noone makes a mess
I would pay back the national debt and get rid of the federal reserve
A bright future without their parent's debt is what kids deserve
I would stop bullying at school
I would make it legal again to teach the golden rule
There would be prayer in school
I would make Halloween a legal holiday for kids to rule
Even adults could dress up and look like a fool
So listen clear to what I say
I would do all of that on the first day

Dear Diary,

I am so mad at Dr. Frankenstein
He wants me to call him dad
I should be grateful for him giving me life
But I wish he would have given me a good brain
Not some criminal brain he dropped on the ground
I have a square head
Two bolts sticking out of my neck
Scars on my wrists and a green face
Every time I try to hit on a girl she screams
I can't even get a prostitute because they scream too
I am also afraid of fire and I really could use a cigarette
It would help calm my nerves so I'm not breaking stuff all the time
Well, I have to say goodbye for now
I see the angry mob coming towards the castle
With their pitchforks and torches
It's not easy being me

Romney's got a gun
Romney's got a gun
Sesame Street's come undone
Big Bird is on the run
What did Bird Bird do
Romney said this is your very last I.O.U.
They said when Romney was elected
They found him in the garbage can
Now Oscar lost his home
and the Count is in distress
Romney's said but nobody believes me
We're running up a massive debt
Debt! Debt! Debt! Debt!
Run away
Run away from the Mitt
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Run away
Run away from the Mitt
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Run away
Run away
Run awayayayayayaya
Romney's got a gun
Romney's got a gun
Sesame Street come undone
Every puppet is on the run

When you need the cash
And don't mind paying 400% interest
Come on into Check-Into-Debt
When you just can't say no to
Cigarettes, booze, prostitutes, meth
Compulsive spending, eating out all the time
High insurance because of OMVI's
Deadbeat friends who expect you to pick up the check
Live in a house you can't afford
Job lost to illegal aliens
Job lost to your job moving to Mexico
Cost of living going up four percent a year
And you only get a two percent raise
No health insurance and you get injured
Or get real sick and need hospitalization
Or for whatever reason
We hope to help you
Check-Into-Debt!

I was listening to Tear for Fears on my cd player
The song was Mad World
I pulled into the parking lot
I always park so I can pull out without backing up
I get out and walk away
Did I turn off my lights?
What if I didn't?
I'll have a dead battery
So I check again and lock it up good
All the doors are locked now
I am doing my window shopping
I'm looking at cds at Books A Million
I'm looking at Halloween costumes at a halloween store
Why do all the female ones look pretty much the same?
I go into Spencer's Gifts and look at the posters and funny buckles
I check out the pets up for adoption
I leave and it is cold out there
It is windy too
Where did I park my car?
I can't remember
I have a Homer Simpson on the dash
I have a Cheyenne Red car
So I walk up and down the aisles
Not too many personalized plates out here
Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois
There's Texas Roadhouse
I wish I could afford to eat there
I look over, is it mine?
No! Someone else has a car that looks just like mine!
So after another three minutes of walking I get lucky
I get in my car and turn on the heater
I should have worn a hat and gloves!
Enough of Mad World
I'm listening to Wierd Al's Traffic Jam!

I'm afraid today
I went to a parade
Children were all around
One complained to her teacher
She wanted something to drink too
It isn't fair that guy gets a pop and we don't
I'm afraid I made her jealous
I'm afraid of being alone
Why won't anyone call me
I'm afraid of being in public
I'm afraid they'll see me staring at them
I'm afraid that I don't have enough money
I'm afraid I can't afford to fix my teeth
I'm afraid I can't stop eating crap and drinking pop
I'm afraid to go walking by myself
I'm afraid of my new neighbors
I'm afraid of my family
I'm afraid of big dogs that bark
I'm afraid of my landlord
She is always snooping around
Especially in the parking lot
Slow down, this is not a street!
When I was little I was afraid of ghosts
I was afraid of Bigfoot
I was afraid of the bullies at school
Things were much simpler then
I'd trade those fears back then for the ones I have now
In a New York minute!

Gilligan's Island
98 episodes
They got canceled after three seasons
Because Gunsmoke needed their time
They were moved around every season
But still rated at the top for their time slot
Tina Louise who played Ginger never came back
After the original three seasons
Alan Hale who played the Skipper loved the show the most
He always wore his Skipper cap
Even when he golfed
Dawn Wells who played Mary Ann
Got the most fan mail
She never got to show off her bell button
Bob Denver who plays Gilligan
Got the theme song changed in season two to include
The Professor and Mary Ann
The Professor, Mary Ann, and Ginger are still alive
Natalie Shafer who played Mrs. Howell was 64
Noone knew her age till she died at 90 in 1990
Russell Johnson, the Professor
Had a son die of AIDS
Gilligan's Island is actually Coconut Island
It sits in a harbor in the Hawaiian Islands
You can walk out to it on a bridge
So this is a tale of the show
It will be here for a long, long time
So join Netflix my friend
You're sure to get a smile
From seven stranded castaways
Here on Gilligan's Island

Get a pot
Put water in it
Let boil
Put in carrots, potatoes, onions, meat
Let cook for two hours
Open door
Feed man
Watch football with man
Laugh at his lame jokes
Don't complain
Give him sensual touches
repeat tomarrow

Howdy folks!
I was your president from 1993-2001
I made believe that I was against George Bush Sr.
I lied
I pretended I cared about the American people
I passed NAFTA
I encouraged illegal aliens to steal their jobs
Through insourcing and outsourcing
I passed the biggest tax increase in 1993
I said I was against Mitt Romney a few days ago
Mitt Romney is no different than Barack Obama
We all work for elitist and are paid well to lie to you
I am worth over 100 million dollars now
My wife get to be a big world leader
In excange for my cheating with Monica, Jennifer,
Too many to count
Schucks
I'm just a hillbilly from Arkansas

Well
I bet you didn't expect to see me here
They froze my body and thaw me out every four years
So I can tell you how proud I am of all of you
You have expanded on my plans of crushing unions
I big shout out to Scott Walker
I never did real good in Wisconsin
Seeing Walker do what he has done makes me real proud
I would also like to thanks my predecessors
Bush and son Bush
You did a real good job in Iraq
For all I did for you
I ask for only one thing
Put my face on Mt Rushmore
One more thing before I got back in deep freeze
If you look under your seat
You will find a box of jelly beans
Black, my favorite color
Well
See you all again in 2016!

Johnny Carson Terms for Death

Passed Away
In a Happier Place
Among the Angels
Bought the Farm
Cashed in his Chips
Kicked the Bucket
Deep Six'ed
Doing the Lawn Limbo
Time Sharing the Oblong Condo
In the Horizontal Phone Booth
Deceased
Departed
Hard as a Carp
In the Marble Mailbox
Booked into the Motel Deep 6
Taking a Spin in the Brass Handle Sedan
Hanging 10 on the Satinlined Surfboard
Booked on a Cruise in a Dirt Submarine
Hoffa Halftime
Pushing up Parking Lot
Pumping Lid
Snuffed Out
Kicked Off
Wearing the Wooden Waistcoat
Playing in the Subterranian Sandbox
Doing the Pinebox Lambada
Trolling for Topsoil Trout
Dead as a Doornail
Gone out with the Tide
Taken the Final Curtain
Serving a Major in the Pine Penalty Box
Standing in line at the Sod Sizzler
Dancing the Hokey Croaky
Riding the Satin Pony
Flying the Marble Kite
Demised
Defunct
Signing for the Lower Me Down Bouquet
Pushing up Miss Daisy
Parking the Broze Bus
Shopping at the Mahogoney Mini Mall
Run His Race
Bitten the Dust
Riding in a Soil Sidecar
Renting the Grass Tuxedo
Going to Sod Prom
Crashing the 6 Handled Pool Party
Staying at Club Mud
Passing the Grey Puopon
In a Taper Tanning Booth
Doing the Worm Wave at Stiff Stadium
On the Sod Subway
Wearing the Toetag Turtleneck
Eating Moss Muffins