It Scares Me.

It is scary
In a sad sort of way
Does that make any sense?

My long time Soulmate
Whom I loved with a childlike abandon
Whom I wore rose tinted glasses for
Gave up so much of me for

Whose dark angry moods
were excused by me
as being part of his genius
His Art

The pain was unbearable for a few years
It came out in Depressions
psychosomatic illnesses, pneumonia

I simply lost the will to live
Like an abandoned puppy a thrown away Dog
I blamed myself for not understanding you
I blamed myself for not being pretty enough
Crazy thoughts

But the road to Damascus came when I was not looking
I met you, we met as friends
I was shy, reticent and although the s*xual chemistry was there
I looked at you in a clearer sharper light

What was it that had made me love you so deeply?
What was this blindness called love
I could not see your selfishness
your inability to be flexible, to give a little

I met you only last week
All anger is gone, and the all grief is gone
What frightens me is ~ I feel nothing
Except for a sense of wonder?

As to how I took so much bad treatment
Albeit not deliberate T'was just you were selfish
And it was always your way.
But I can say hand on heart
That though I miss being in love
The warmth of somebody whom I love
I have no feelings whatsoever now

Not repressed anger, not bitterness
I see how you have become a loner, a solitary artist
painting alone with many women admirers
But you are happier now you life is safe and without

I just fear that I could get this deep again
Without seeing the truth
Living in an illusion about somebody so near my heart
I hope this means sense.
It really does not matter if you meet me again

The saddest thing for me is
All the feelings are gone, dead, trampled on.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2017
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A lesser woman.....

You came like a tornado, into my life
I chose to ignore the warning signs
Those Red Flags they tell you about

On our first date, you told me I was beautiful
That I had presence, poise, laughter, wit
IT was true though, it was as if we had lived together
in a prior life

And so the Relationship began
The incessant texts, phone calls and everything rushed
Which I now know is the sign of a controlling person

I loved you with a love that was like an open flower
Every petal open, vulnerable, pure and lit , as if facing the sun
unafraid of the storms that were looming, the rain, the pain

Eventually, the emotional abuse began
but like heroin, I had become addicted to being in love
or at best , we both were friends, i dreaded leaving
I knew i must, if I was to regain sanity and self respect

and so I did, amidst great acrimony.
I still loved you with all my heart
I became ill, physically and dreadfully Depressed.
It took 2 and a half years to get over you, completely

Then you phoned, as we spoke now and again on the phone
your life had risen to high peaks, you were selling your Art
I was still struggling, just to get out of bed

you suggested that I meet your former lover, a woman whom
you had described to me as a person very like me.

And so, stupidly I agreed to meet this lady as you had suggested
we had so much in common
On meeting her I was absolutely shellshocked.
Because she was everything I am not.
She never read a paper, watched a News Bulletin
She was vain, silly, immature for a woman of her years.
She had nothing to say
For the first time I found myself at a loss to keep any conversation
with this woman going
And No I wasnot jealous, I no longer want this man

so why write about it ? in a poem that doesnot rhyme
Because, having given you my all. my Art, my heart, my love
happy laughing days, discussions about politics which you loved
similar taste in Movies and books and photography
Talking all hours about everything, both possessing inquisitive minds.

You had introduced me to a woman who you had gone out with
for six whole years
A woman who you said was so like me, we should become friends
At the risk of sounding superior, which I amnot
As somebody with a slight inferior complex
This woman was shallow conceited told me she wore no make up
she didnot need it. She flirted with my x as if it would make me jealous
it just made me embarrassed to see her make a fool of herself

She lacked dignity, intelligence, manners

I thought of the years I had given you. The clothes I had bought
To look feminine for you, the lovely underwear to delight you
I looked at this lady, whom I wish the best for
But I was frightened too because, things arenot as we think
And you can sleep beside, and love somebody you don't know at all

I didnot know you,
I loved and adored you and you told me Iwas the love of your life
But me and the other lady, were like black and white.

So, a lesser woman would have sufficed
I cannot but feel that I wasted many years with you
When somebody with far less to offer would have made you happy
As your x does now.

I wish you the best
But it will be a long time before I love again
And this time, I shall watch for the red flags
And leave the Rose tinted glasses in my handbag

Finally I blame nobody
No winners, No losers. I am alone, I am trying to find contentment
in that , in the present

But a lesser woman would have done you
And I have an empty space inside where I loved too much
Gave too much to someone who would have been happy
with far less
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Mar 2017
About this poem:
This poem may seem jealous, it isnot. It is about how one can be taken over by a new lover, have what they t hink is the perfect romance, relationship. Have a friendship t hat is terrific, share all the secrets in the world.

It is about loss, it is about betrayal it is the truth.... that having given all, having worked so hard on a relationship, the fact that somebody who was the total opposite to me, is now the woman that this man has chosen to go back to, and have another relatioship with.

It is about the Rose tinted glasses scenario. It is about me getting to know who I am, and what I should expect, and respect about myself, and most of all, that I should have gotten out earlier , when the emotional abuse started. and of course, the woman is a particularly unusual one, older than me, but silly, inept, I have no dislike for her, but it was a shock to meet her, to see what this man really needed.............. so different from me.

~i am totally over the relationship, but not over how I got things so wrong in my head.
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This is a list of goldengloss's Poems. Click here for goldengloss's Poem List

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