amahlala Poetry (47)

I cannot see what you see
Nor do I wish to.

I cannot hear what you hear
Nor do I wish to.

I cannot touch what you touch
Nor do I wish to.

I cannot feel what you feel
Nor do I wish to.

What I do wish
Let me fade away to oblivion.

What I do wish
Let me escape your punishment.

What I do wish
Let me walk away untouched.

What I do wish
Let me free.

Enough

I will lie to your face, if I see:
Your shoulders, broad though they are,
Cannot handle more pain.
I will lie to your face, if I see:
That the burden you carry,
Is more than you can handle.
I will lie to your face, if I see:
The tears that fall down your face,
Cannot be erased.
I will lie to your face, because I SEE.
I care, as you can tell.
I will lie to your face, because sometimes,
Just sometimes, the LIE itself, is another way
To take you away from the horrors you face,
Never alone, never without courage,
But because, sometimes,
Just sometimes, you need that LIE
That I can SEE will bring a smile to your lips,
A laugh to your heart, a moment of peace
To your soul.

I sat there, in that chair.
Waiting, watching, listening.
Every fiber of my being, alert.
Poised to jump, to respond, to be.

I lay there, in that bed.
Restless, worried, tossing.
Each moment ticking by, concerned.
Ready to fly, to move, to run.

I walked there, on that porch.
Stomping, screaming, yelling.
All of me hurting, pained.
Seeking to flee, to move, to laugh.

I stopped there, at that moment.
Still, calm, at peace.
My heart beating, amazed.
Knowing it is over, done, free.

What are you looking at?
Why are you so confused?

The first time you've seen one?
Do you not have any yourself?

No, not hiding secrets.
Nor unpleasant memories.

Why is it important for you to know?
When did I give you permission to ask?

How long ago was it built?
What caused it to be done?

It came from always giving.
Never taking from others.

Past mistake made.
Chances taken.

Yes, it's quite thick.
No, you can't break it.

There is no key for that.
Destroyed forever.

Lonely? Sometimes.
Happy? Most days.

The defiant wall is needed.
Now go away, before you break the mortar.
Holding it all together.
Go away from my wall.

Your soul is searching again...
I can feel the depths of its anguish.

There, on the edge of the black-mist horizon...
That faint outline, wings spread, a dull, angry red.

I can feel the hunger and thirst emanating from you...
It's palpable, it makes me parched, hurting inside.

Seeking again, I know I can't reach you...
Tormenting me with a memory lost among the eons.

I can't break free of this chain that is around me...
I struggle to break myself free, knowing it is futile.

Your soul has been patient, waiting in sorrow...
Waiting, I know, for centuries perhaps.

Until I've learned this lesson and my soul knows its name...
I will be feeling the depths of your souls anguish for eternity.

You invaded my dreams again~
A little blip into my subconscious.

I am fine~
Other than wondering why I think I am fine.

I was so fine~
Then why do I let you creep into my dreams?

I can go about my life~
Knowing that you are not the solution to my equation.


Yet you slip in~
When least expected when my guard is down.

Funny how~
A chance memory brings you back again.

More mortar~
On that wall, a few more layers for defense.

I will be fine~
Until you creep into my dreams again.

Does anyone know the pain
of hearing again and again~
You're the best! A great person!
I hope you find that special someone!

In time, I suppose it could happen~
That elusive special someone.
Won't hold my breath in anticipation~
Nor belittle myself for trepidation.

Why pursue me? What is that you see?
The pretty words, the heartfelt gesture.
Without even trying, I've built you up~
Lo and behold! The "friendship" talk!

Its better, I guess, to know~
Where I stand, not a viable option.
You've gotten what you needed~
I can be shunted~discarded to the shelf.

Funny thing is, I will always be there~
In the background.
A half-remembered soul,
Quietly waiting, until needed.

I've no more expectations~
No more dreams of love.
I know that I can give,
I know there will never be a return.

I can be happy alone~
There for others, an optional option.
Sometimes~I am lonely~
I have myself and my heart.

On one hand, there is this option.
On the other hand, there is that option.

Does this fork in the road lead to satisfaction?
Does that fork in the road lead to disaster?

Can this be the one decision that will harm me?
Can that be the one decision that will elevate me?

How to ensure that I am choosing wisely.
How to ensure that I am choosing correctly.

When faced with this choice or that;
Do I analyze or agonize?

I have no answers from my mind, my soul or psyche;
Yesterday I flipped a coin, today I run in circles.

Tomorrow is just another day and maybe by then;
I might just make it a good choice; at least that is what I pray.

I keep wanting to dream within my dreams~
Direct my subconscious self as I do my conscious self.

As I watch the dream unfold~
I can't stay in the background.

Yet~I find myself, standing on the sidelines~
Unable to be the director of my dreams.

I attempt to voice my concerns~
Only to find I silence myself.

Can I not make the decisions I want and need~
Do I silence myself out of fear or anger.

Dreaming within a dream~
Awaken, renewed, yet~still confused.

I watched you in your ivory tower~
Saw the pedestal you put yourself upon.

Gloating in your righteousness~
Imagining you were king of all.

I heard the stones that you cast~
Crumpling those that you aimed for.

The words you used, to put fear in their hearts~
Quick, you were, to be on the defensive.

Your tongue was double-bladed~
Sharp as a razor and cutting so deep.

You expressed it as caring and concern~
Never imagining yourself falling from grace.

Reality, has opened your eyes at last~
Although I could gloat, it isn't worth it.

For you see, I am now my own priority~
And finally, you are no longer an option for me.

Smooth, creamy, dark, milky.
Standing there salivating,
in front of the displays.

This one has chopped nuts,
that one has a hint of orange.
Unique, peppery infusion.

Samples out on little trays.
Just one little taste,
Well maybe another, so tempting.

Drooling, eyes aglow.
Which to choose, the smooth,
or the crunchy, the choices!

I'll settle for the one,
in the wrapper right there.
Dark, bittersweet and scintillating!

Chocolate!

Fingertips.....
lightly touching the sides of my face,
tracing my jawline, tangling in my hair.

Hard.....
body touching my body, softly and gently,
little pockets of air between.

Tension.....
building between us, electric pulses,
straining together in synchronization.

Gasps.....
of intake air, fragrant with the perfume,
two scents melding into one.

Hearts.....
racing, beating to their own rhythms,
intoxicating music only we can hear.

Gazing.....
into your eyes, seeing the desire,
answering your silent plea for more.

Reaching.....
together, for the stars and moon,
knowing our universe will soon be completed.

Content.....
fulfilled desires, hearts eased,
only to be repeated in our dreams.