About me and who I'm looking for

About me: Ok--where shall I begin. I was born at a young age (so I have been told),I am planning on living carefully until I get old thereby leaving a fairly respectable corpse. My hair is falling out due to a mixture of age,gravity and years of sticking my head in amplifiers. I still have my own teeth,though not as many as I had back when I was fit and healthy.I also suffer from the misplaced idea that I am a werewolf/trainee priest with a love of curry-beer-Jamesons Irish whiskey and flame throwers,(handy to keep things at bay). Oh yeah, due to having major surgery last year I am what you would politely put as Desexed therefore I am looking for friends only, unless of course you know of a good surgeon who can repair me--lol.

I'm looking for: 1.Must be breathing (desirable). 2. Have the ability to carry inert objects (taxi optional). 3. the ability to hold mindless drunken conversation (preferable). 4. age is not a problem as long as she is not older than me (200).hair and eye colour is not a worry but red would be an advantage (both).All in all my ideal match would be me, but that obviously cannot be,(Well maybe). So basically I am looking for a female friend who can make me laugh, and has no long term plans to convert me to sanity. Applications close in 2020.