I am looking for someone; who could understand, even if a little, when I talk about gardens reflected on buildings, when I taste some candy, or when I have these visions in dreams; of tall pine trees and dirt roads that make me feel like I'm in a place that I'm supposed to find, eventually...
Okay, let's see... Uhmmm, my connection to this f*ck up world is more about where the seekers go. I mean, I'm Argentinian but I've lived in Iceland, Sweden, England and Spain; I've been to several places to see if I could find someone to connect to. You see, it seems that I can get along with almost everyone but cannot really find someone to relate to.. . When, in reality, there doesn't seem to be much time left for connections when the rest of the world's imploding in the name of other people's ideas, right?
You know, once a person sees it, they'll be enlightened immediately because it's so beautiful; but I wouldn't say there was anything specific; there's no flag wearing, there's no document like a Bible, or anything. It comes from a general sense of longing and a feeling that I've got to find someone to relate to, to talk to. Yeah, it's really that; a real, flesh and blood, living, breathing, unpredictable love for someone I haven't met yet. The point to this love, is that I know where it's going. It starts in a familiar place and then rise, though a series of pleasurable twists and turns, to an exciting climax. That makes it a comfortable, cheering, cosy pleasure that is never the same and yet recognisable; have you ever felt like that? But surely the point of myself, a f*ck up bastard on permanent walkabout, is that I take all this to somewhere unexpected? A straight line to nowhere, I guess.
I guess you could say that now I would like to talk to someone on the phone, instead of plowing through pill bottles; cos you know, I've emerged from the pharmaceutical rainbow of the last years in my life, and I gotta go looking for pots of gold elsewhere.
Sometimes, in these dreams, I see myself in a lost hotel room in the United States, those that look like come out from the movies, tossing things at a discussion. The heat of Los Angeles and not the heat from Buenos Aires, not the heat from Argentina. I threw the clothes out of the hotel room, I am in an arguement because she broke my heart. I tossed my heart form the window of this hotel room, but this time around, the Bible in the top drawer of the nightstand might be spared. I am hardly religious and barely reformed, but my search has moved beyond the chemical-pharmaceutical luxuries and into the wide-open spaces of a life lived, instead of a life avoided.
My search for HER has made me an independent thinker, and a dedicated existential empiricist (fu* my life, in the midst of fu* social/hipster absolutists); I became a bloke ever deliberately seeking new truth by observation, and experiment; that's why I have to get back to the north and see what happens.
I definitely have to get a girlfriend, I have to get back to HER. And when I confess this I feel the need to tell you to suspend judgement once again, and try to understand me. Don't fight it, feel it. You can go back to your old sceptical/psychologically oriented selves later. Just try to get inside my head. Yeah yeah, I know it's kinda scary in there, and the wide open spaces may frighten you, but just think of it as a whole, drink some tea, or listen the news on the background... It doesn't really matter, just stay with me.
The visions in my dreams are becoming clearer with every week passing. The feelings I have, cannot be described in words. The idea, whether it is true or not true, is absolutely gorgeous....I even woke up crying a few times. Think what you will, but I, me, instead of writing/talking about sex, or cool cars or work, instead of talking about depression, instead of talking about any number of topics that are repeated every fu* day...
Agnosticism? Yeah, I mean that's basically you get a bit sick to death about the way we've f*ck this up. Misogyny and power, and male power.
What I am trying to prove is that through my intentions I am creating angels, messiahs and prophets. Isn't that better than living an empty life? Isn't that better than settling for what you have?