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Hello Rusty.

So are you stating that your ex partner has denied contact with these members of your family?

Just so I know, because you know what a pain in the ass I am about facts.

Yup - she denied all knowledge......... and that is something I find hard to forgive.

Hello Rusty.

I am a staunch believer in keeping children's relationships with people alive, regardless of what I feel about the people.

I cannnot bear my ex in laws, but they are great Grandparents, I would never erode a warm, natural, loving relationship. Because, I do not have the right to take my children's rights away from them.

But you know, you are the parent too here, so you can take the lead, do not bury yourself in not being able to forgive her, channel that energy into your son, show him these people, it is not too late, help him learn about his family and what they were about.

It will not help your son, you not forgiving his mother, but it will help him if he can get to know what his family were about.

Trust me, I have been there on this.

Trust me - I have never met my younger son; my ex wife's partner took on the role of being a father figure and my partner has found out that my ex wife and this gut split up and my son is living with this father figure!

I made contact via a German Uncle on my son's 18th birthday last year - he got the message but replied that he does not want anything to do with me......... I guess my ex had 18 years to brain wash him against his natural, legitimate dad.

Never mind me, though - what about knowing his grandparents, brother, cousins, aunt and uncle from my side of the family? With three of these people already dead I just think it's a crying shame...........and his mother's parents were both dead years before we even met!

Okay.

Now we are getting to the bottom of the facts.

How old is your son?

If he was 18 a year ago there is a reasonable chance he is 19 now.......

So, and forgive me.

But why have you never applied through the courts for contact?

If his mother has not encouraged the relationship, then why have you not made the necessary moves to secure contact?

I am not advocating what she has done Robert, but you have to ask yourself why you have not taken some control and applied for contact.

Which is perfectly easy to do.

If you and his mother have had no contact, then it would have made sense to go down the legal route.

I know you may find it hard to forgive, but given your recent loss then I think you are a little vulnerable, but it is not too late now.

Begin by writing to him.

An address would help, but I only want it if freely given......... my girlfriend/partner has managed to speak to him. I didn't really want an address unless he wanted to give me his address - I'd be tempted to go and see him and it's not right to force yourself on somebody.

Non-contact was quite simple - if I let my ex wife know I was going to go to Berlin, she'd just make sure she 'left town'...... and if I didn't let her know in advance she could create a huge legal fuss.

I've seen kids used as footballs between parents. I didn't want to interfere in my son's life and cause him confusion while he was growing up. I'd never known him, we had not been able to bond. He was born several months after his mother got rid of me. I soon found out that she was living with a man she'd lived with for five years and split up with a year before she met me; maybe they could not have kids. My father was convinced that she married me just to have my child!

Who knows?

Regarding writing to my son - I tried several times to get my ex wife to agree to me writing him a letter that he could open on his 18th birthday. I was happy for her to read the draft and for myself to rewrite it as many times as was necessary until it met with her approval. I wanted my son to know about how his mother and father met and about his family on my side.

My ex wife refused. She dismissed me with total contempt and arrogance. She told me I just happened to be the biological father (never mind by marriage), and that my son was nothing to do with me.

When he was born she at first refused to even let me know if the baby was a boy or a girl! By the time I found out he was born I was going crazy with concern to find out if mother and child were ok; she only finally told me he was born twelve days after the event (he was born a week earlier than expected).

There are always two sides to a story. I do not know her side. I just feel sad that my father died without ever having had the chance to meet his youngest grandchild.

My father loved my ex wife as if she was the daughter he never had. She loved him like a father; and she'd lost her own father 20 years previously.

It's all very sad........ maybe one day he'll want to see me; until he wishes to see me I'll not force myself on him.

'All things come to he who waits'....... I just hope I meet my son before I die.

Hello Rusty ,

Firsty i am sorry to read about recent troubles..all i can say is time is a great healer...

Getting back to your thread,

You are his father and you have the same rights as your ex..if you want to see your son, go for it..you do not need his mothers permission..he is 18/19 yrs old, makes him an adult..he can make his own mind up...

If you are on 'friendly terms' with some members of his(your sons) family then get in contact behind her back...by asking one of them 'not your ex' to pass the letter on...if you have his address take the bull by the horns post it special D..

Your son is 50% you, he probaly has a lot of your looks, traites, habits...the first few 'get togethers' my be a bit tense but thats only to be expected, give it time..Fathers need sons, like sons need Fathers..not subtistutes or stand in's....

Personally I have three 2 daughters(14/7) and 1 son(6) here and the mother of the two smallest is constantly trying to stop me seeing them. In the past few years I have been to court 5 times for access, and in a few weeks i'm back again...If I was a 'danger' to my kids I could understand the enemy's reaction but i'm not...

Tomorrow my daughter is 8 and I don't know where either she is or my son, i 'have' the right for the 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends of the month and half of all the holidays..since the start of august the enemy took dynamite and the mutt, where...je ne sais pas. Every time I phone I get the reponder, I think she has moved. My oldest daughter I know her life like my pocket. As for the smallest 2, if they don't want to see me then thats their choice not their mothers..and they want to see me..and I will not let anybody stop me seeing my kids..... mothers, judges ....The day my kids say ..'pops dont want to have any contact anymore', I want to see the white of their eyes..not someone elses telling me that....

In a nut shell Rusty, he's YOUR son too...go for it, you have nothing to loose but everything to gain..If you don't you'll, only keep kicking yourself ...if I was in your shoes, I'd want to see the white of my sons eyes...Blood is thicker than water...

Don't know if it's any help..my 2 bits worth...

phoenix

Rusty,

Nothing will ever ever change the last 18 years. Ever! It is done. Done and unchangeable.

You know where your son is, your partner has been in contact with him. He is now a young man and probably very very angry with you (perhaps unfairly), because he does not know you and has been denied the opportunity to do so. His wishes to not see you now are the reactions of a hurt 18 year old boy...But you are an older wiser person. You FIND him and you barrage him with your desire to see him until he relents. Let him know, by doing so that you desperately want to be a part of his life. It will definitely not be easy and you will get hurt, but if you can get over that anger and hostility..oh the rewards.

Do not give up. Do not give his mother the options of censuring what you write to him. Be relentless and persistent. Do not put yourself in the position that you regret not having tried harder twenty years from now.

Use your strength from your father's passing to do this.

Do this for you and for your son....please.

He is your son.

Wishing you all strength.

Immanuelle

Well I understand now, and you took a step back.

I agree with not using children as emotional missiles, but parents do. She has done this. I understand your story more than you think I do.

Now he is older and hopefully able to make his own decisions then I think you should beging by wroting to him. Ask him which uni he is at then write him there.

Control freaks have no right --- that they will eventually find out when the one they are trying to control - breaks free

You were not there for last 18 years, even when he needed you.
You can't change this and he will probably never think of you as "father".
But you can be his friend. Try to approach it this way....

hi common me ,

Sorry but you need to re-read the thread completly. Unfortunatly not all parents are level headed, there are some parents who use kids as an 'emotional-football'.

He( rusty's son), will always think off him as his father. Maybe a father who wasn't there to kick a football with in the park on a sunday afternoon, but a carefull re-reading of the thread and you should understand, why that wasn't the case..


I'm going to bow out of this thread and Rusty good luck

Phoenix.

I am dreadfully sorry you are going through all of this.

Are you going through UK family law with these contact orders?

What your children's mother is doing, is called Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Unfortunately, only recognised in the US and not all states. In the UK, it is not recognised at all.

I was alienated against my children, after my divorce. My ex husband severly alienated them, so I know what you are going through.

But with patience, love, understanding and letting them know that your heart, arms, sofas are all open.

They do return you know.

So I am with you both gentlemen, a subject I have researched thoroughly.

And this is from a mother, because there are many of us out there, I know one mother who has not seen her boys for seven years. It has almost killed her.

Mother or father, grandparents, uncles, Aunts, it happens, warm natural loving relationships are torn from children's lives by bitter ex partners.

I am out of this thread........

Yup, good idea. Too many jerky-jerky-heart-strings being pulled.......

One thing, in life, you gotta learn to believe people when they show you what they are like. Nite all.

i would think u r better off discussing these probs with a solicitor.people get emotional and upset,thinking about their own lives,which then often causes arguments between others.laws can be unfair which is why u need to get the right advice

Hi Pat

The fact that Rusty's son is 19, a solicitor, is not really going to be doing very much for him.

I think he just needed to get it out.