Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.......
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish...'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not..'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.. ....
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him..
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.
Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."
Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."
"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.
They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make $40,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil.. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George .
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
George looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Tunafish
Three guys that all worked bulding high rise buildings sat down to
lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish,
tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I'm
jumping."
The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing.
The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, "Ah, ham and
cheese."
The next two open their lunches and say, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate
tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I'm going to jump."
The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their
favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish,
tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that's it. I'm jumping." So he
goes to the edge and jumps off.
The other two look on not beliving what just happened. After a while
the first guy says, "Gee, that's sad. He actually jumped."
The second guy says, "Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own
lunch."
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