tips for survival when you find yourself in a horror movie..
Survival Tips:
When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
Your dog can take care of itself...
So can your spouse...
And your kids.
If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire.
Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn . . .
Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.
Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart.
If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.
Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".
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