Murky Depths (4)
Images flicker, reminders at every corner to remind you of another life, grief sets in, followed by resentment, followed by anger, followed by forgiveness, yet the sadness can never be buried deep enough.
The murky depths claim another one.
Yet it was willing, head first.
Are the depths bad? It’s what you make of it.
There are other fish, there is always other fish.
Some say don’t go into the waters there is only pain. But there was only pain before the plunge. There was pain from the beginning and there will always be pain.
It’s how you deal with it.
It’s hard to see the light but its there it’s always there, you have to look for it.
The cold sand is felt between the toes as every step is sluggish, trudging through the silt and rocks at the bottom, trying to free yourself of these burdens that you so readily strapped on before the plunge.
Maybe it’s suppose to work that way, to give you weight so you can easily reach the bottom.
Funny how life works.
Cast out and in the deep, you realize you aren’t who you think you are.
Who was this person; do you want this to be you again?
You’re in the depths now there is no one around. There is no road, no path. Just you.
Lungs scream threatening to explode and leave their confines.
Fear sets in. it’s a loosing battle.
Dropped to your knees, a cloud of debris hangs around you.
This is it.
Fallen
The murky depths claim another one.
Yet it was willing, head first.
Are the depths bad? It’s what you make of it.
There are other fish, there is always other fish.
Some say don’t go into the waters there is only pain. But there was only pain before the plunge. There was pain from the beginning and there will always be pain.
It’s how you deal with it.
It’s hard to see the light but its there it’s always there, you have to look for it.
The cold sand is felt between the toes as every step is sluggish, trudging through the silt and rocks at the bottom, trying to free yourself of these burdens that you so readily strapped on before the plunge.
Maybe it’s suppose to work that way, to give you weight so you can easily reach the bottom.
Funny how life works.
Cast out and in the deep, you realize you aren’t who you think you are.
Who was this person; do you want this to be you again?
You’re in the depths now there is no one around. There is no road, no path. Just you.
Lungs scream threatening to explode and leave their confines.
Fear sets in. it’s a loosing battle.
Dropped to your knees, a cloud of debris hangs around you.
This is it.
Fallen
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Conquered, slowly you release the last breath to appease the chambers inside of you.
Sight ebbs away, the tunnel closes in, colors turn to gray and beyond.
Blackness
The only thing the brain registers is the sound of the water
It’s soothing
It’s alive
It surrounds you. Calm sets in. breathing is easier when you don’t fight it.
Eyes open for the first time.
It’s not dark anymore. Blinded from within, a darkened soul sheds no light.
Rivers of sadness turn into streams of tears that lead to oceans of doubt.
Pinpricks of pain numb the heart and snuff out the desire.
The flame extinguishes and there is no fire, just a smoldering once was.
But what of the could be, it just takes a spark.
No flint, just a glimpse of what was.
So this is the bottom, you see a sign. Welcome again.
It’s not about sinking lower it’s remembering when you were here last.
One tends to forget pain till its surfaces again.
This wont be the last time you make this visit.
How soon we forget.
It’s easy to remember when you’re here.
In a fleeting moment the tides turn, flooding your senses filling your soul. Blind-sided.
Is it fate? Is it luck? Is it divine intervention? It’s the path given to you, a turn you didn’t see coming. It was suppose to happen. There are no directions in life. There is freewill. You choose the path. you look but you cant see.
And here you sit at the bottom on your knees.
Empty, cold, a heavy weight holding you down, hands free yet tied.
What’s around you? Are you blinded or is the water murky?
There is only up
There is only you.
Sight ebbs away, the tunnel closes in, colors turn to gray and beyond.
Blackness
The only thing the brain registers is the sound of the water
It’s soothing
It’s alive
It surrounds you. Calm sets in. breathing is easier when you don’t fight it.
Eyes open for the first time.
It’s not dark anymore. Blinded from within, a darkened soul sheds no light.
Rivers of sadness turn into streams of tears that lead to oceans of doubt.
Pinpricks of pain numb the heart and snuff out the desire.
The flame extinguishes and there is no fire, just a smoldering once was.
But what of the could be, it just takes a spark.
No flint, just a glimpse of what was.
So this is the bottom, you see a sign. Welcome again.
It’s not about sinking lower it’s remembering when you were here last.
One tends to forget pain till its surfaces again.
This wont be the last time you make this visit.
How soon we forget.
It’s easy to remember when you’re here.
In a fleeting moment the tides turn, flooding your senses filling your soul. Blind-sided.
Is it fate? Is it luck? Is it divine intervention? It’s the path given to you, a turn you didn’t see coming. It was suppose to happen. There are no directions in life. There is freewill. You choose the path. you look but you cant see.
And here you sit at the bottom on your knees.
Empty, cold, a heavy weight holding you down, hands free yet tied.
What’s around you? Are you blinded or is the water murky?
There is only up
There is only you.
------ This thread is Archived ------
A strobe light flicker, a painfully cold satisfying lungful of air, a brief vision of another life is seen.
The brain connects the fog clears the engine is running how ever slight and fragile.
Thoughts scream go go go before the slight breath to kill a candles flame is found.
The realization that you are drowing in your sorrows ignites the tank in a flash fire of rage.
Punishment of ones self will commence when your safe on the sand.
No time to waste
Seconds die every second
Its painful to move
But what is the alternative?
Mind made up the show must go on, another foot forward, another glimpse
Hard to make out, but brighter than the present surroundings, the steps lift the heavy moorings that tied the body in the depths.
Like a sunrise ever slowly lifting its head to smile at the world, light gets stronger as a tree grows before your eyes.
At the speed of patience.
Legs working building up speed slowly, awkward at first like a brand new lover trying to satisfy your need to live for the first time.
Motion is constant the weight getting lighter, and lighter
The speed is gaining ripping through the murky blackness like the flesh of ripe fruit in a blender.
How sweet the drink of success.
Faster and faster the light is gaining, winning the fierce war, like gasoline igniting and burning the darkness with the ease of a liquid blue flame.
The motion of life is back, so strong the momentum you can float like a comet the last few yards.
The sight before you is one of speechless beauty.
A sight so wondrous all motion stops
A paralyzing joy overcomes you.
There it is
Am I dead?
Is that life moving along with out me?
Inches from the surface floating in bliss you realize in your euphoric state of relief that your tank is empty.
You’re at a good place.
No pain
Happy
So close yet so far
You know you can’t make it the next few inches to break the surface, much less pull your self out of the depths once and for all.
You can see.
Inches below heaven
Warm, wrapped in a blanket of content after hours of sleep.
Your dream life is just out of reach.
You stretch out all you can, contorting your body, cramping at the body’s unwillingness to grow on command.
As you reach out for the final time you notice a figure in the ripples above
Standing above you looking down at you reaching up
Faceless yet almost feeling as if you share the same flesh.
It’s the one you have been looking for
Or is it?
A hand breaks the finite line that separates your world.
Reaching in, fingers outstretched offering freedom, a bridge for the last few inches and beyond
Is this the one you were looking for all of your life?
Do you take the invitation?
Do you latch on for dear life?
The ripples and waves of the waters of life are clouding your vision so you can’t tell if this is the one you have been after your whole life.
Are you just another fish in the sea?
Can this person looking at you from above see you clearly, or are the depths clouding their vision as well?
Enter free will
Will you take the hand of freedom and the chances that go with it?
If your mistaken you might take another plunge.
If you stay where you’re at you will eventually slowly slip back to the bottom from the weight of regret.
Regret of the what could have been, will grow like the sands of the hour glass, falling, gathering at the bottom of the glass, gaining weight from the corpses of seconds that tick off and die.
Every second that ticks adds a second of separation.
Do you take the chance at the better life, running the risk of visiting the murky depths again?
You’ve been there before.
You just came from there
You can do it again
And you probably will again.
Life goes on with or with out you.
You are just a second on life’s time line.
So make the most of the good and the bad after all your still alive to see the next second coming.
The brain connects the fog clears the engine is running how ever slight and fragile.
Thoughts scream go go go before the slight breath to kill a candles flame is found.
The realization that you are drowing in your sorrows ignites the tank in a flash fire of rage.
Punishment of ones self will commence when your safe on the sand.
No time to waste
Seconds die every second
Its painful to move
But what is the alternative?
Mind made up the show must go on, another foot forward, another glimpse
Hard to make out, but brighter than the present surroundings, the steps lift the heavy moorings that tied the body in the depths.
Like a sunrise ever slowly lifting its head to smile at the world, light gets stronger as a tree grows before your eyes.
At the speed of patience.
Legs working building up speed slowly, awkward at first like a brand new lover trying to satisfy your need to live for the first time.
Motion is constant the weight getting lighter, and lighter
The speed is gaining ripping through the murky blackness like the flesh of ripe fruit in a blender.
How sweet the drink of success.
Faster and faster the light is gaining, winning the fierce war, like gasoline igniting and burning the darkness with the ease of a liquid blue flame.
The motion of life is back, so strong the momentum you can float like a comet the last few yards.
The sight before you is one of speechless beauty.
A sight so wondrous all motion stops
A paralyzing joy overcomes you.
There it is
Am I dead?
Is that life moving along with out me?
Inches from the surface floating in bliss you realize in your euphoric state of relief that your tank is empty.
You’re at a good place.
No pain
Happy
So close yet so far
You know you can’t make it the next few inches to break the surface, much less pull your self out of the depths once and for all.
You can see.
Inches below heaven
Warm, wrapped in a blanket of content after hours of sleep.
Your dream life is just out of reach.
You stretch out all you can, contorting your body, cramping at the body’s unwillingness to grow on command.
As you reach out for the final time you notice a figure in the ripples above
Standing above you looking down at you reaching up
Faceless yet almost feeling as if you share the same flesh.
It’s the one you have been looking for
Or is it?
A hand breaks the finite line that separates your world.
Reaching in, fingers outstretched offering freedom, a bridge for the last few inches and beyond
Is this the one you were looking for all of your life?
Do you take the invitation?
Do you latch on for dear life?
The ripples and waves of the waters of life are clouding your vision so you can’t tell if this is the one you have been after your whole life.
Are you just another fish in the sea?
Can this person looking at you from above see you clearly, or are the depths clouding their vision as well?
Enter free will
Will you take the hand of freedom and the chances that go with it?
If your mistaken you might take another plunge.
If you stay where you’re at you will eventually slowly slip back to the bottom from the weight of regret.
Regret of the what could have been, will grow like the sands of the hour glass, falling, gathering at the bottom of the glass, gaining weight from the corpses of seconds that tick off and die.
Every second that ticks adds a second of separation.
Do you take the chance at the better life, running the risk of visiting the murky depths again?
You’ve been there before.
You just came from there
You can do it again
And you probably will again.
Life goes on with or with out you.
You are just a second on life’s time line.
So make the most of the good and the bad after all your still alive to see the next second coming.
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Created: May 2007
Last Viewed: May 7
Last Commented: May 2007
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I wrote this during and after my divorce (2 years ago)
sorry for the length and grammer mistakes
it did help me quite a bit to get it out and Yes i have gotten on with life!
Murky waters here we go again,
The pool so thick with doubt, turmoil, you can’t see 2 feet deep, yet you know its depths reach a fathmic tenfold.
Naked, the security blanket stripped away, cold shame sends shivers from fear at what must be done yet again.
Teeth chattering, eyes filled with a burn, a last intake of cool air, a long forceful exhale
The water seems black, no reflection, yet closer and closer inches away from the plunge, a dive yet once again in desperation.
Hands tremble as they are stretched out in front, heart stops briefly as the icy hot electric shock makes first contact.
There is no warmth here, head whips side to side searching, searching eyes failing, failing eyes darkening, only a pin light of help from the surface.
Like a fish in sheep’s clothing, wounded prey sinks.
Deeper and deeper, the body spastically writhing yet gaining no ground, a baby bird learning to fly, wings don’t work here, there is no flight.
The silt settles, lungs on empty, a subtle silence overtakes, the bound victim calms, cast out refuse with no recyclic value.
One’s trash is another’s treasure yet there aren’t takers.
Hands are free but they work as if tied.
So distorted the murky depths are.
Bubbles should rise but there aren’t any
Whispers, faint echoes of life pop on the surface, cast out light shimmers like blinks, in the depths.
A scratchy movie plays, a film of mistakes, frame by frame the pain grows, a final take there is no editing, there is no escape, there is no ending.
What brings us to the depths, is it hope or just the knowledge that its waters know no boundary and its possibilities endless?
A vast pool where there is emptiness and yet, can fill your soul.
Eyes lock on to features, hard points surround, fingers reaching to the sky, the brain registers finally, rock bottom, destination unknown.
Time is a tricky thing, when one is content it is elusive as a hand full of oil, when one is shattered it ceases to exist, and yet it has no trouble continuing on with or with out you, its as cold as the depths.
So fragile is our time, it’s as strong as a whisper in a storm, an unheard scream.
The light dances on the surface, teasing, luring, mocking, just out of reach, yet millions of miles away.
Abandoned, chances used up and spilt by the gallon, blinded by the truth of deceit, a veil of lies uncovered too late, there is no going back, life doesn’t work in reverse.
The what if’s are pointless, the hollow log of life crumbled, a one way ticket to the depths as fast as a trap door at the gallows, in a snap life has changed.
How could this have happened?
Simply put, it did.
Time to swim.