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Lamont's Rules of Jen
A constantly evolving set of guidelines for dealing with resplendent Jenitude on a day-to-day basis. (The gaps in the numbering are intentional and represent rules that have yet to be written, not rules that have been omitted, and I’d like to thank everyone who has contributed Rules or suggestions -S) Simon Lamont’s Jencyclopaedia
1. Jen is an exceptional person who is to be worshipped and adored at all times
2. Jen is always special
3. Jen is frequently up to something
4. Jen can usually get away with it.
5. If your relationship with Jen fails, it is your fault.
6. (The Jennocious Tenet of Remote Control Ownership) If Jen wants to watch a particular movie or TV show, she will. Even if it clashes with The Game. You may, however, purchase and fit new batteries in the remote.
7. There is no rule 7
8. Jen isn’t easily fooled. She has Her own reasons for letting you think you’ve pulled one over on Her, which will only become clear when it is advantageous for Her so to do.
9. (The Srey Maxim) Jen does not like being kept waiting.
10. If and when she so desires, Jen is to be cuddled and comforted without question or hesitation.
11. Thou shalt not taunt Jen, lest ye be consigned to the fifth circle of hell-dating where the women are all named after department stores.
12. Jen is always right, especially when she isn’t.
13. Jen does not procrastinate; she waits until the time is right.
14. (The Goldfinch Guideline) Dating Jen is a commitment to a lifetime spent worshipping the wonder that is Her, even if you never see her again (see also #5).
15. Jen will cross the road when and where she wants, which may be before or after everyone else.
16 . (The Jezzie Precept) For the duration of your relationship or acquaintance with Jen these Rules (and any personal supplements) will render null and void any or all of your own rules, at her discretion.
19. Jen can always read maps perfectly. You, however, can’t follow her clear, precise directions, no matter how many milliseconds she give you before screaming “Left! Left!” as you pass the turning.
20. The last piece of candy, brownie, popcorn, soda, beer, slice of pizza, breadstick or spoonful of ice cream belongs to Jen.
21. Jen always looks beautiful.
22. Whatever Jen has to say is worth listening to.
23. (The Powroz Principle) The subject changes when Jen says so.
24. However Jen want to pronounce or spell her name is the correct way.
25. Jen is a tidy eater. That piece of food on the restaurant floor fell off your fork. If it’s something only Jen ordered, you must have picked at her plate while she wasn’t looking…
26. (Corollary to #20 and #25) Jen does not like people picking at her plate while she isn’t looking.
27. Jen should not be expected to work on her birthday.
28. (The Stevens Sutra, addendum to rule #27) Jen’s birthday is a holiday, and should be treated as such, even if it means taking the day off, calling in sick, or cancelling other plans to be with her.
31. Jen is exceedingly clever.
31. Jen doesn’t like seeing two rules with the same number.
32. Jen always has the last word. Anything you might say after that is the start of a new discussion/argument.